How To Quiet A Crying Baby

 

Disclaimer: Dressing a child up as a pimp does not guarantee future success in life.

When I’m on the phone with people, I’d say a solid fourth of the time I have to listen to babies crying or kids fucking screaming. Usually into the phone. Loudly. Constantly.

Now I don’t have any kids, but if I did, I’d probably try to tell them to shut the fuck up. Well, I’d try to explain to them that they shouldn’t scream like raving fucking lunatics while I’m on the phone fixing the goddamn Internet.

As for babies, I’d wouldn’t try to reason with them, because they’re babies. They can’t fucking talk. They just shit and sleep, so there’s no hope of reasoning there.

Yet some customers would argue otherwise. I was going over a customer’s bill and had to keep raising my voice to be heard over the screaming baby right by the receiver of her phone.

Customer: “Hold on sir. EXCUSE ME! Now what were you saying?”

The baby continued to cry because it didn’t quite understand what the fuck she was saying. I started talking again.

Customer: “Hold on, hold on. Um, excuse me! Are you serious right now? Can’t you see I’m on the damn phone?”

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The Mysteries of the Remote Control

“Where’s the call button on this damn cell phone?”

I’m sure you’ve gathered by now that elderly folks and technology don’t mix very well. A large portion of my tech calls are simply telling them to press the TV button on the remote. These should be easy calls, but getting to that button pushing moment usually takes about ten minutes. To the clueless and elderly ESP’s, the remote is some sort of mysterious device that should be feared. And you know when ESP’s get confused (all the fucking time), they get pissed…at me.

One of my biggest problems with angry old assholes and the remote is the lack of pressing the select button. Yeah, actually selecting an option instead of staring at the screen waiting for something to happen. This is especially frustrating when you’re troubleshooting, because you assume they’re following along with you, but they’re miles behind. If you say go to the TV menu, you would think that means pressing the menu button or selecting the menu option, right? No, apparently it’s a real fucking toughie. I’ve had a lot of confusion over this one over the years, but one was pretty bad. Old Dumbass could not unravel the mysteries of the remote for the life of him.

Winston: “Go ahead and push the menu button.”

Customer: “What?”

Winston: “The menu button.”

Customer: “Where?”

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The Big Spender

A history lesson while I buy a Slim Jim? Score.

Well hot damn gentle reader, we did it. We hit the century mark! 100 stories of stupidity. If you’ve been with me from the beginning, you know the impossible is possible. A normal person may believe in the intelligence of the human race. Yet we have 100 examples that there are some real fucking morons out there. Really dumb people. I’m talking about extremely stupid people here.

Now I’m not trying to be defeatist by any means, because quite a bit of good can come from 100 stories of stupid. Had a shitty day at work? Feel better by laughing at those with lesser intelligence. Did something dumb today? Boost your self-esteem by realizing you aren’t a dirty Redneck that can’t count past 2 (the number of Busch Lights ordered in a round at the bar).

I’ve got plenty more than a hundred stories, believe me. It seems like I can’t stay ahead of them. Everyday I go to the call center, really not wanting anyone to be so fucking ridiculous, but I’ll be damned, they just keep on coming. Endless stupidity.

So while we’re talking about numbers, allow me to enlighten you with a story about a man that got really fucking pissed over a really fucking small number.

Winston: “What do you mean you’ve been charged? Your service hasn’t even been setup yet.”

Customer: “I have my bank statement right here and I see a charge. I can send it to you, because I’m not blind!”

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Telescreen Goes To Lunch

Even Beetlejuice needs a lunch break.

Stupid People Say The Dumbest Fucking Things:

Winston: “When did you try to cancel before?”

Customer: “Well I tried a few days ago.”

Winston: “That’s odd, I don’t see any notes on the account. Did you talk to an agent?”

Customer: “No, I ain’t talk to no one.”

Winston: “What do you mean?”

Customer: “Ain’t no one answer the phone.”

Winston” “What?”

Customer: “I tried to call and cancel, but I couldn’t get a hold of anyone. Ain’t no one answer that damn phone of yours.”

Winston: “Um, I’m not sure that’s possible.”

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I’ve Only Got $10 To My Name

“Grab my wallet, it’s the one that says Bad Mother Fucker.”

Stupid People Say The Dumbest Fucking Things:

I’m fighting with some dumbass over his bill, mainly because he has every single channel, ever single package, tons of receivers, and the best equipment. I also see his address is in Alabama.

Winston: “Well sir, if the bill is too high, we could consider lowering your package.”

Customer: “No, I ain’t gonna do that. No way I’m losing any channels.”

Winston: “With the top package and all the add-ons, that’s the price you’re going to see each month.”

Customer: “What you think I am, rich?”

Again, I saw his address was in Alabama…

Customer: “When I signed up all this stuff was cheap.”

Winston: “The introductory rate was cheaper, but you kept all of the add-ons, and now you’re paying full price for everything.”

Customer: “Well that right there is some B.S! I ain’t paying nothing more. I want all these channels, but I want them for free because of all the hassle y’all have been causing me.”

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Sorry, I Wasn’t Listening

“No, I have the best beard in town!”

Stupid People Say The Dumbest Fucking Things:

Winston: “So if you want a refund, you’re going to have to send in a bank statement.”

Customer: No response.

Winston: “Um, you can do that by scanning a recent bill from your bank. Do you have a scanner?”

Customer: No response.

Winston: “Well if you don’t have a scanner, you can take a screen shot of your bill online. Do you know how to do that?”

Customer: No response.

Winston: “Hello, ma’am, are you still there?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m here. Sorry, I wasn’t listening, I was too annoyed.”

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