Why Are You Here?

I ask myself that same question every time I walk into the call center.

Stupid People Say The Dumbest Fucking Things:

Winston: “Ma’am, please calm down.”

Customer: “Don’t fucking tell me to calm down!”

Winston: “Ma’am…”

Customer: “The installer told me he would solve this, and now just look at my bill!”

Winston: “Again, I can’t see those charges on your account; they don’t show up on our end.”

Customer: “I know! That’s why they told me not to call Telescreen.”

Winston: “You mean, the main line here?”

Customer: “Yeah, they said, ‘Don’t call Telescreen under any circumstances’ or they’ll mess up your account! Boy were they right.”

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The Honest Agent

“If you think this is nice, just wait until you see the Kias.”

We deal with a lot of sketchy sales agents over in Super Department. We have to help them build accounts when they get caught manipulating the system (which happens on a minute-by-minute basis). We then have to build accounts for them because they fucked with the system. As much as I think they’re pieces of shit, I happily build accounts for them because it beats talking to that trailer trash redneck yelling into the phone with a lisp because he’s missing teeth, but that I still can’t hear because of his fucking crying kids, barking dogs, and asshole friend revving an ATV engine in the background. That’s just one example of a fine Telescreen customer.

Day in and day out, my colleagues and I have to deal with the sketchiest mother fuckers around in the sales department, lying and cheating their way to getting any type of commission. No one at Telescreen seems to care since the management appointed everyone in Super Department to help make sure sales go through. So after years of all that daily lying bullshit, I really appreciate an honest sales agent. I like a man who’s not afraid to lie, and willing to simply speak the truth.

Winston: “So they already have an account?”

Agent: “Sounds like it. Say goodbye to my sale.”

Winston: “Well have you accessed their account and told them what we need to do to get the account moved?”

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The Fail Agent

Epic fail.

Considering the type of employees at Telescreen, you would figure it’s not that hard of a job. If you barely need a high school degree, limited “customer service experience,” and must be a chain smoker with two kids driving a rusty pinto, you would think the job is pretty fucking easy.

From reading some of my past blog posts, I’m sure you also get the sense that this it’s probably one of the more stressful jobs out there. Take a normal cubicle job, but toss in appeasing the screaming toothless redneck while navigating ten different near-obsolete applications as quickly as possible, and you’ve got a recipe for a shit job.

Me, I like to keep shit simple. That turns a stressful job into sometimes, an easy job. For example, some dumbass calls in and starts bitching about their bill. I throw free shit and money at them. They then quit bitching, hang up the phone, and leave me the fuck alone. See how simple that is?

Of course it’s not always that easy, but if you strive for simplicity, it really makes the days a lot easier. In a place filled with ESP’s, easy is a key savior of sanity.

Some employees aren’t quite that enlightened. They go by the book and seem to think they can solve everything using the bullshit mandates from the upper echelon of Telescreen. Of course all of the rules thrown at us don’t help us with our jobs, but only impede them. You’ve got to think outside of the box, and well, actually think in the first place to survive the day to day.

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