The Mysteries of the Remote Control

“Where’s the call button on this damn cell phone?”

I’m sure you’ve gathered by now that elderly folks and technology don’t mix very well. A large portion of my tech calls are simply telling them to press the TV button on the remote. These should be easy calls, but getting to that button pushing moment usually takes about ten minutes. To the clueless and elderly ESP’s, the remote is some sort of mysterious device that should be feared. And you know when ESP’s get confused (all the fucking time), they get pissed…at me.

One of my biggest problems with angry old assholes and the remote is the lack of pressing the select button. Yeah, actually selecting an option instead of staring at the screen waiting for something to happen. This is especially frustrating when you’re troubleshooting, because you assume they’re following along with you, but they’re miles behind. If you say go to the TV menu, you would think that means pressing the menu button or selecting the menu option, right? No, apparently it’s a real fucking toughie. I’ve had a lot of confusion over this one over the years, but one was pretty bad. Old Dumbass could not unravel the mysteries of the remote for the life of him.

Winston: “Go ahead and push the menu button.”

Customer: “What?”

Winston: “The menu button.”

Customer: “Where?”

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PHD: Pathetically Hopeless Dumbass

She’s guilty.

One of my pet peeves in life is people with egos. Now this is a pet peeve in real life, beyond the confines of Hell on Earth (aka the Telescreen call center). Now these egotistical people like to flaunt their “status” in order to feel better about themselves. They need to put other people down to prove they’re “better” than them. This of course includes call center employees. Sure they may be more successful, make more money, and definitely have a better job than me, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t fucking stupid.

Winston: “Sir, I’m looking right here at your bill. All of the charges have been added up correctly. I even double checked with a calculator while I had you on hold, and everything adds up to $113.”

Customer: “No, you’re wrong. Your system is wrong. Hell, your calculator is wrong.”

Winston: “I can go through each charge again if you want, feel free to add them with me.”

I figured I’d teach him how to use a calculator and avoid this issue in the future.

Customer: “No, I don’t need you to teach me how to add, pal. Do you know who I am?”

Oh shit, not this spiel again.

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