Is The Machine On?

Go ahead and press that red button before calling tech support.

Anyone who’s ever worked in tech support knows the first thing you have to ask is always, “Is the machine on?” The funny thing is, ESPs kind of know this by now, and in most cases, they get pretty pissed off and confused when you ask them. To make things go a little smoother, I started asking ESPs if there are lights on their receivers because “machine” and “on” was just a bit too much for your typical ESP. That still wasn’t foolproof, as they wouldn’t just get pissed off and confused, but also would just say “yes” without fucking doing anything.

Now I ask them what color the lights are on the receiver to not only avoid pissing them off, but also to make them get off their fat asses and actually look. When they say, “None” that means it’s off. When they say, “What lights?” that means they’re lost and staring at the back of the fucking microwave. When they say, “You mean them blinky thingies?” that means there’s no hope in Hell of troubleshooting so I just need to send a tech.

Even though I find my sneaky method of finding out just how dumb people are in not being able to press power, there still is some pushback. 

Customer: “I keep telling you the thing is on! Are you trying to ask me if I turned the damn receiver on?”

Winston: “Ma’am, if you could just look at the front of the receiver box and tell me what colored lights are lit up, that will give me a better idea of the state of your receiver box.”

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The Mysteries of the Remote Control

“Where’s the call button on this damn cell phone?”

I’m sure you’ve gathered by now that elderly folks and technology don’t mix very well. A large portion of my tech calls are simply telling them to press the TV button on the remote. These should be easy calls, but getting to that button pushing moment usually takes about ten minutes. To the clueless and elderly ESP’s, the remote is some sort of mysterious device that should be feared. And you know when ESP’s get confused (all the fucking time), they get pissed…at me.

One of my biggest problems with angry old assholes and the remote is the lack of pressing the select button. Yeah, actually selecting an option instead of staring at the screen waiting for something to happen. This is especially frustrating when you’re troubleshooting, because you assume they’re following along with you, but they’re miles behind. If you say go to the TV menu, you would think that means pressing the menu button or selecting the menu option, right? No, apparently it’s a real fucking toughie. I’ve had a lot of confusion over this one over the years, but one was pretty bad. Old Dumbass could not unravel the mysteries of the remote for the life of him.

Winston: “Go ahead and push the menu button.”

Customer: “What?”

Winston: “The menu button.”

Customer: “Where?”

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Extremely Stupid Computer Solutions

Your Posts: Extremely Stupid Computer Solutions

Thanks to a great ESP reader, here’s a nice set of  pictures that highlight very stupid people doing very stupid things to get around computer issues. I’d give them points for creativity, but they’re just too dumb to receive any credit for anything.

Mabel insisted whiteout was easier than the delete button. Mabel is stupid.
Bob bragged about the deal he got on his new pawn shop Apple computer. Bob is stupid.

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Computer Skills, Or Lack Thereof: Part 2

“No ma’am, the computer isn’t broken. You’re just not smart enough to figure out how to use it.”

Your Posts: Computer Skills, Or Lack Thereof: Part 2

Here’s the second portion of the stories sent my way about computer skills, or lake thereof.

Customer: My keyboard isn’t working.

Help Desk: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?

Customer: I’m not sure, I can’t get behind the computer.

Help Desk: Pick up the keyboard and walk ten paces back.

Customer: Okay.

Help Desk: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes.

Help Desk: That means the keyboard isn’t plugged in.

Props to this IT guy. Way to tell the fucking idiot they’re a fucking idiot without saying “fucking idiot.”

Help Desk: Your password is lower-case a as in apple, capital V as in Victor, and the number 7.

Customer: Is 7 capital or lower-case?

“Um, it’s lower-case. Make sure you put it in correctly.”

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Computer Skills, Or Lack Thereof: Part 1

“Hello, tech support? Yeah, something is wrong with my computer screen.”

Your Posts: Computer Skills, Or Lack Thereof: Part 1

A faithful reader sent over a collection of ESP stories reported from some long-suffering tech support reps. I’ve seen these stories floating around a few places, including the Telescreen monthly newsletter. This wonderful newsletter, by the way, isn’t handed out to employees, but instead is placed prominently on the bathroom wall. I shit you not, pardon the pun, I literally have only seen the newsletter in the crapper. So, stupid people beware: your idiocy will eventually end up in a call-center shitter. That’s motivation to work on your intelligence.

Help Desk: What kind of computer do you have?

Customer: A white one.

I hope they don’t use that answer for everything. “What type of person do you want to meet on your blind date? A white one.” Yikes.

Customer: I can’t get the disc out of the computer.

Help Desk: Have you tried pushing the eject button?

Customer: Of course!

Help Desk: Okay, well I’m going to need a few more details to help troubleshoot.

Customer: Wait, the disc is still on my desk.

Someone is on their way towards a doctorate in nuclear engineering! Or maybe someone needs to finish high school.

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