Top ESP Searches: Volume 4

Oh, so that’s how Google does the street view thing. How green of them.

As intelligent as loyal ESP readers are, there are always a few stupid people that slip through the cracks and land on the blog. The dumbasses have to get to ESP somehow, and this is how they’re doing it:

“Im Extermly Stoopid Rigth Now”

That’s for damn sure. Now what’s the goal of that search?

“Stupid Business Casual Hobo”

What? Are you saying business casual is stupid or inquiring how a hobo would dress in a corporate environment?

“Call Center Agents Are Assholes”

Only if they create blogs retelling stories about their interactions with stupid fucking customers.

“Stupid People And Computers”

Yeah, they don’t mix very well. Please see every post on the blog as proof.

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Top ESP Searches: Volume 3

“Listen, you’re not gonna look cool unless your binocs match your shirt.”

Wow, these searches just keep rolling on in! I have more searches than brain cells left in my noggin after spending a couple of years chatting with ESP’s. Let’s get cooking with the stupidest of stupid searches before I lose the few braincells I have left.

“Rednecks From Mississippi Are So Dumb”

Yeah, no shit. Did you really need to search the Internet for confirmation? A pet rock could have told you that.

“I’m A Master of the Custodial Arts”

No, you’re a fucking janitor. I am not a master of the intelligent arts; I work in a fucking call center and am forced to interact with idiots all day. Let’s quit sugarcoating it, okay?

“Why Legs Don’t Move In Elder People”

Um, because they’re fucking old.

“Stupid People Gaga”

What the fuck?

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Top ESP Searches: Volume 2

Crazy Uncle Jeff was in charge of watching little Stacy. Good thing he had plenty of toys for her to play with.

It’s that time again! Here’s the second installment of the outrageous search terms that lead people to the blog. This is how ESP’s find a blog about, well, ESP’s. After reading all of these search terms, please ask yourself a quick,”What the fuck?” I mean really, how the Hell do people come up with this shit?

“People At Work Think I’m Stupid”

Well, shit, they’re probably right. I mean, if you have to Google that while you’re at work, then the coworkers have you pretty well figured out. I’m sure this sent you to my similar post, My Wife Thinks I’m Stupid. That guys wife was right, these coworkers are right, but I can’t help but wonder what exactly is the goal of this search? An article on a self-help blog entitled, “How To Deal With Difficult Coworkers?” How about an intelligence test? Let’s figure out a game plan for you, Mr. Genius Coworker. Get off the blog, go grab a dictionary, and read it. The whole fucking thing. When you’re done reading the dictionary, come back and we’ll talk.

“I Have Lunch At Five”

Okay, cool. Good for you. That’s a late lunch, you may want to classify that as dinner and do a new search for “I have dinner at five.” Then you can get in on that Early Bird Special old folks like so much. Maybe that’s the reason for the search? Or you think if you Google your lunch plans it will automatically go to the calendar and then your brain? I assume you were lead to the post, No, I Have Lunch That Day, and felt much the same as that ESP. I really can’t figure out why someone would search for “I have lunch at five,” but hey, there are a lot of things I don’t understand about extremely stupid people.

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Top ESP Searches: Volume 1

Who needs glasses when you have a giant magnifying glass?

Even though most of the clicks on ESP are from a loyal base of highly intelligent readers, there are some genuine morons that find their way over to ESP as well. WordPress has a nifty little thing called, “Top Searches” on the admin page. It displays all the top search terms, words, and phrases that people use to get to ESP. In the early days, no one was really able to find ESP, as it barely made a dent on the ol’ Google. Yet as ESP has grown over the last year and half, more and more people are finding the blog through various search engines. Since I can see all the search terms, I can clearly tell that a fair amount of the people finding ESP are pretty fucking stupid. Allow me to elaborate with few of the top searches:

“My Wife Thinks I’m Stupid”

This is the top search for ESP, with variations such as, “Wife says I’m dumb” and “Wife thinks me stupid.” The dumbasses searching are always lead to my post entitled, My Wife Thinks I’m Stupid. All I have to say in response to that is, really? I mean, really? If a guy has to go online and search, “My wife thinks I’m stupid,” his wife is obviously right. What is he hoping to find with the search? A magic cure for stupidity? If that were the case, this blog surely wouldn’t exist. The entire Southern portion of the US wouldn’t exist either.

“DJ Jazzy Jeff”

I included a picture and a little dialogue about Will Smith, greatest rapper of all time, in a post called, She’s Just A Receptionist. Why in the fuck are people searching online for Jazzy Jeff, Will Smith’s cool sidekick on The Fresh Prince? Who has such little time in their day to allow them to say, “I wonder what Jazzy Jeff is up to?” I’ll answer that question for you: Not a fucking thing. Though you can feel free to peruse his official website, follow him on Twitter, listen to his terrible CD’s, or learn about him through the most accredited encyclopedia of all, Wikipedia. Or just watch reruns of The Fresh Prince, laugh when he gets thrown out of Uncle Phil’s house, and then forget about him completely.

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