The WTF Collection

“What the fuck is the problem with your sink?”

Sometimes I just have to ask, “What the fuck?”

Customer: “Telescreen is way worse than anything else I’ve ever had. They’re just the worst! Worster! Worsterest! You hear me? Worsterest!”

Well, your grammar is shit, shitty, shittiest.

Customer: “It’s not my responsibility to understand what the agent is saying to me!”

So…who should be listening to the conversation then? I’ll just assume you have an assistant following you at all times.

Customer: “Let me tell you man, don’t have kids, there’s no damn refund.”

I was just wondering as your kids were screaming in the background if you could actually return them once they turn into little assholes. Apparently you can not.

Customer: “I told you these kids messed up my cable line. Don’t ever move into a neighborhood with kids, they are motherfuckers!”

Well, I suppose you may be right that some kids are pieces of shit, but finding a neighborhood kid-free will land you in an old folk’s home.

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You’re Gonna Hang!

Free-range, organic chicken, available at Whole Foods.

As you’ve probably gathered, I’ve had plenty of threats against my life over the last couple of years. There have been too many to count and even too many to mention all of them on the blog. I can only justifiably mention the creative and original threats, like this one:

Winston: “I’m sorry ma’am, but I can’t get the refund back to you sooner than three to five business days. It has to clear with your bank first, but we have no control over that process.”

Customer: “Na-na-na-na. You think you can get away with this?”

Winston: “Ma’am, we made sure the refund was sent to the bank yesterday…”

Customer: “Na-na-na-na. You’re gonna hang for this, you hear me? You’re gonna hang mister! You’re gonna hang!”

Hmm. I can’t make money magically appear so I’m going to be executed? By way of a noose? No, this isn’t the fucking 1600’s and I’m not a fucking witch. It must have been a figure of speech or something, because that made no sense whatsoever. Even literally speaking, I don’t think the death penalty is sentenced to people who can’t get a refund sooner than three business days.

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