You’re Not In My Will

No stamp collection is complete without the “Bread Forever.”

A call came my way with a woman disputing a 300 dollar charge. After searching high and low, I told her I didn’t see the charge in our system. Maybe it was from competitor Telethon and not Telescreen. Maybe her eyesight was going. Maybe she just couldn’t fucking read. Either way, she was being a pain in the ass.

Winston: “Again, I’m sorry ma’am, but I don’t see the charge in our system. The only thing that will help us track down whether or not this was in fact a charge from Telescreen would be if you could send in the bank statement you have in front of you showing the 300 dollar charge.”

This made her mad because she was old, she was dumb, she was lazy, and apparently she was fucking Amish since she “didn’t have a computer.”

Winston: “I wish there was more I could do, but there’s no charge that I can reverse.”

This made her even more mad, but she kept pressing. I told her no again. She got really mad, but kept at me. I told her no again and then she pulled the pity card.

Customer: “I have cancer! I’m going to die! You’re killing me right now!”

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No! No! No!

You definitely don’t want to fuck with this mall cop.

Some ESP’s are in such extreme denial that they refuse to accept the truth. This happens quite a bit. For example, their bill says they owe 75 bucks. They think their bill should be free for some fucking reason. I explain why their bill is in fact 75 bucks, then they lose their shit. They yell, hang up, get their service disconnected, get sent to collections, and lose their shit again like two years later. I think the idea is that if they hang up, their bill magically goes away. Telescreen loves money too much to let that happen.

Other ESP’s like to jump on the denial train immediately. One in particular was quite skilled at blocking what he didn’t want to hear. He explained that he cancelled the service because it was a piece of shit. Understandable, Telescreen service is in fact really shitty. But then I had to explain a little issue with that. I kind of had to break some bad news. Since there’s a charge for breaking a contract, and Telescreen sure as shit doesn’t let us waive it, this psycho had 200 big ones on his bill. I started breaking the news slowly, but he was ready.

Winston: “Well…”

Customer: “No!”

Winston: “Um…”

Customer: “No!”

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The Remote Douche

 

Why yes that man in the tank is playing an anvil in front of a full orchestra.

Some people are just such raging assholes it’s ridiculous. They call up customer service and bully the reps into giving them what they want, all while verbally attacking and putting down the people that are helping them. I at least have the satisfaction of knowing that when they call me, I could give a fuck about their general existence on this earth, let alone their stupid fucking TV problems.

A call came in and must have been a cell phone, because it broke up a bit. I thought it sounded like some sort of salutation, but I wasn’t completely sure.

Winston: “I’m good, how are you?”

Customer: “What? I didn’t ask how you were. I asked if you have my account in front of you. Is that too much for you to handle?”

Winston: “I have your account here, what can I help you with?”

Customer: “Well then why don’t you look over my account and figure it out yourself?”

Apparently bitching is easy, but explaining is far too difficult.

Winston: “Well I see you’re trying to order a replacement remote.”

Customer: “No, I ordered a remote five times and five of you idiots failed. If they were working for me, they would all be fired. You are in a position of authority and you need to get this done NOW!”

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How To Quiet A Crying Baby

 

Disclaimer: Dressing a child up as a pimp does not guarantee future success in life.

When I’m on the phone with people, I’d say a solid fourth of the time I have to listen to babies crying or kids fucking screaming. Usually into the phone. Loudly. Constantly.

Now I don’t have any kids, but if I did, I’d probably try to tell them to shut the fuck up. Well, I’d try to explain to them that they shouldn’t scream like raving fucking lunatics while I’m on the phone fixing the goddamn Internet.

As for babies, I’d wouldn’t try to reason with them, because they’re babies. They can’t fucking talk. They just shit and sleep, so there’s no hope of reasoning there.

Yet some customers would argue otherwise. I was going over a customer’s bill and had to keep raising my voice to be heard over the screaming baby right by the receiver of her phone.

Customer: “Hold on sir. EXCUSE ME! Now what were you saying?”

The baby continued to cry because it didn’t quite understand what the fuck she was saying. I started talking again.

Customer: “Hold on, hold on. Um, excuse me! Are you serious right now? Can’t you see I’m on the damn phone?”

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I’m Still Not Satisfied

So I can report the thousands of Angry Assholes I talked to, right?
So now I can report the thousands of Angry Assholes I’ve talked to, right?

A lot of times, Angry Assholes just call in to complain. It seems like they aren’t actually calling to solve an issue, they just want to bitch someone out to make themselves feel better. They like to make a point to the call-center workers that they aren’t happy, which usually comes across loud and clear when they’re screaming “fuck you.”

One woman could not be appeased no matter what I did. She just wanted to be an asshole. Boy did she succeed.

Customer: “You better cancel my account or I’m calling the BBB!”

Winston: “Again, ma’am, I cannot cancel your account because we have a contract on file. Why don’t you tell me why you want to cancel and maybe we can figure out how to make the service better.”

Customer: “I’m not satisfied.”

Winston: “With?”

Customer: “Um…the signal.”

I put her on hold and surprisingly was able to get a tech out that same day and waive the charge.

Winston: “Well…it looks like I can get a tech to your home by this afternoon and I am able to waive the charge.”

Customer: “I’m still not satisfied.”

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Winston Gets Hit On

In Montana, they have caution signs for deer. Other places have slightly different caution signs.

My calls are about 50/50. I’d say roughly 50% of the time the calls are uneventful and therefore amazing. 40% of the time a customer flips shit on me and has a fucking fit over something stupid. The other 10% are, well, just a little different…

Winston: “Okay ma’am, I think that settles your payment, you should be all good to. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Customer: “I know my nurse told me not to flirt, but I just can’t help it. Do you have yourself a wife Mr. Winston?”

Winston: “Um, no, but I don’t think this is…”

Oh no, this isn’t happening.

Customer: “Hot dog! How about a girlfriend?”

Nope, it’s happening. Better lay down the law and hang up before it gets any weirder.

Winston: “Yes, I do have a girlfriend, now is there anything else I can help you…”

Customer: “Ah, shoot! Well you call me if you ever break up.”

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The WTF Collection

“What the fuck is the problem with your sink?”

Sometimes I just have to ask, “What the fuck?”

Customer: “Telescreen is way worse than anything else I’ve ever had. They’re just the worst! Worster! Worsterest! You hear me? Worsterest!”

Well, your grammar is shit, shitty, shittiest.

Customer: “It’s not my responsibility to understand what the agent is saying to me!”

So…who should be listening to the conversation then? I’ll just assume you have an assistant following you at all times.

Customer: “Let me tell you man, don’t have kids, there’s no damn refund.”

I was just wondering as your kids were screaming in the background if you could actually return them once they turn into little assholes. Apparently you can not.

Customer: “I told you these kids messed up my cable line. Don’t ever move into a neighborhood with kids, they are motherfuckers!”

Well, I suppose you may be right that some kids are pieces of shit, but finding a neighborhood kid-free will land you in an old folk’s home.

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Guilty By Association

Yes, that is in fact an OJ is not guilty pog.

There’s no denying Telescreen is an evil company. So very, very evil.

Big Brother, the dickweed that runs the place is one of the richest men in the US and treats his business like a totalitarian dictator. The company was founded on a set of principals where the upper echelon steps on others, manipulates employees, and will do anything in order to turn just the most miniscule of additional profit. I guess there’s a reason it keeps getting named the worst company to work for.

Surely, there are a lot of Telescreen customers that agree with that sentiment.

Customer: “Listen here pal, you may be a nice guy, I don’t know you. But you work for an asshole company and you know what? That makes you an asshole too. Good like with your life, asshole.”

Click.

Touché. I guess I’m guilty by association.

The Mysteries of the Remote Control

“Where’s the call button on this damn cell phone?”

I’m sure you’ve gathered by now that elderly folks and technology don’t mix very well. A large portion of my tech calls are simply telling them to press the TV button on the remote. These should be easy calls, but getting to that button pushing moment usually takes about ten minutes. To the clueless and elderly ESP’s, the remote is some sort of mysterious device that should be feared. And you know when ESP’s get confused (all the fucking time), they get pissed…at me.

One of my biggest problems with angry old assholes and the remote is the lack of pressing the select button. Yeah, actually selecting an option instead of staring at the screen waiting for something to happen. This is especially frustrating when you’re troubleshooting, because you assume they’re following along with you, but they’re miles behind. If you say go to the TV menu, you would think that means pressing the menu button or selecting the menu option, right? No, apparently it’s a real fucking toughie. I’ve had a lot of confusion over this one over the years, but one was pretty bad. Old Dumbass could not unravel the mysteries of the remote for the life of him.

Winston: “Go ahead and push the menu button.”

Customer: “What?”

Winston: “The menu button.”

Customer: “Where?”

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How To Get Out Of A Contract

So what’s the correct way?

How To Manipulate The Customer Service System

What do we all want? To save money and get our way, duh. Fear not, gentle reader, I’ve got the inside scoop on the customer service system. In Super Department, I know the ins and outs of every facet of the call center. Scroll down to learn how to manipulate the customer service system and get anything you want.

This will be a continuing series that will first appear in posts, and then permanently be placed in a page called “How To Guide.” The customer service system can be manipulated as long as you know how to do it. I know all the secrets of Telescreen and I’m happy to spill them all…

How To Get Out Of A Contract

Nothing is a bigger pain in the ass for me than angry ESP’s and their contracts. I would sympathize with people if they weren’t such assholes, because Telescreen really can fuck people over with early termination fees. Fortunately there are many exceptions to get out of a contract and one very secret exception that you will soon be privy too, gentle reader.

TV companies love to fuck you over immediately when you sign up for service by locking you into a lovely little contract. Some even require signing a contract while others only give good promotions to those with a new contract. If you hang out with the TV company for two years, you’ll doubtfully have any problems. But shit happens. Sometimes you need to move, you lose your job, or you decide to live off the grid for awhile. Or there are TV companies like Telescreen that suck and have really shitty service that deserves to be immediately replaced by any other service provider.

Yet if you cancel early and break that agreement, you’re looking at a hefty early termination fee. The amount you pay depends on how much time is left on the contract, but with Telescreen, that can run well over 400 bucks. Do you know how many beers you can buy with that? A lot, that’s how many.

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