How To Get New Customer Promos

The redneck version of a Las Vegas casino sign.

How To Manipulate The Customer Service System

What do we all want? To save money and get our way, duh. Fear not, gentle reader, I’ve got the inside scoop on the customer service system. In Super Department, I know the ins and outs of every facet of the call center. Scroll down to learn how to manipulate the customer service system and get anything you want.

This will be a continuing series that will first appear in posts, and then permanently be placed in a page called “How To Guide.” The customer service system can be manipulated as long as you know how to do it. I know all the secrets of Telescreen and I’m happy to spill them all…

How To Get New Customer Promos

Telescreen, like most companies, only wants to sell their service to new customers, and really doesn’t give a shit about the loyal ones. They have a ton of promotions available to entice new people, but not a damn thing for existing or long-term customers. Since Telescreen is such a piece of shit, their customers don’t last very long. Yet when I encounter people that are dumb enough to stick with them for 1o years or more, not one additional promotion is available. I think that’s pretty fucked up, but fortunately, there’s a foolproof around this new customer promo problem that I call The Company Bounce Method.

This method is based on contract terms, which dictates quite a bit with companies like Telescreen. With TV, Internet, and phone providers, you almost always have to sign a two-year commitment to get the killer promos. You get all the good deals for the first few months, a couple more deals shortly after that, and then most of the time, everything rolls off at the end of the first year. You’re then locked into a contract for another year, and suddenly paying full price. Each bill that you rip open spurs and instant “fuck” when you look at the price.

Read More »

Advertisements

How To Maximize Your Monthly Savings

This is what a stripper looks like at the bank.

How To Manipulate The Customer Service System

What do we all want? To save money and get our way, duh. Fear not, gentle reader, I’ve got the inside scoop on the customer service system. In Super Department, I know the ins and outs of every facet of the call center. Scroll down to learn how to manipulate the customer service system and get anything you want.

This will be a continuing series that will first appear in posts, and then permanently be placed in a page called “How To Guide.” The customer service system can be manipulated as long as you know how to do it. I know all the secrets of Telescreen and I’m happy to spill them all…

How To Maximize Your Monthly Savings

Tons of people call in demanding, yelling, screaming, and bullying the employees. Unfortunately, these jerks usually get what they want because of this psycho behavior. In order to save money, you don’t have to be a lunatic, you just need to know how the system works. Here’s how to work your way up the agent ladder and maximize monthly credits on your bill:

When you call in to the main automated system, you’ll eventually get a frontline agent. Immediately tell them you want to cancel, and they will then transfer you to a “loyalty” agent. This job, as I know from experience, is just plain terrible, because the loyalty agents are paid to keep people from canceling. Their performance is based on how many customers they “save,” and with Telescreen, they must make two “save offers” before they are even allowed to cancel an account. When you get transferred to them, beware that they are smarter than the frontline agent and also more hardened, mainly because they get screamed at all day. This is a good thing though, because you can negotiate with a real person much better than someone reciting a script.

Read More »

How To Save Money In Less Than Five Minutes

Pretty typical day at the ol’ call center, minus the free time to rock the Rubik’s Cube.

How To Manipulate The Customer Service System

What do we all want? To save money and get our way, duh. Fear not, gentle reader, I’ve got the inside scoop on the customer service system. In Super Department, I know the ins and outs of every facet of the call center. Scroll down to learn how to manipulate the customer service system and get anything you want.

This will be a new series that will first appear in posts, and then permanently be placed in a page called “How To Guide.” The customer service system can be manipulated as long as you know how to do it. I know all the secrets of Telescreen and I’m happy to spill them all…

How To Save Money In Less Than Five Minutes

You’re busy, I understand. You’ve got some important business like Tai Chi in the park and step team practice at the YMCA. I’ll tell you how to cut a small chunk of change off your monthly bill in just five minutes. Here’s how it works:

When you call into the main automated system, you eventually get to a “frontline” agent, or customer service representative (CSR). As I know from experience, these agents are unlucky folk, and they are the first line of defense against morons. The frontline agents follow a strict set of guidelines, because Telescreen has to be able to monitor such a large number of employees. They aren’t paid to think, they’re paid to read scripts, transfer customers, and follow a strict protocol. In attempting to save money on your bill, you just have to know what protocol to follow.

Read More »

Is That Spanish?

I know I mock the Telescreen customers all the time, but shit, the employees are dumbasses too. Here’s an example: Winston: “Are you looking at the notes on the account?” CSR: “Yeah, I see a note from a John in your office. It says, ‘Couldn’t call customer back due to queue.’ Is that spanish, you […]