The Deaf Conversation

Quietest. Service. EVER.

Most of the time ESP’s get pissed off at me simply because they’re fucking stupid. Yet sometimes they get pissed off at me because they’re deaf.

Customer: “Hello? Who is this? Hello?”

Winston: “Yes, this is Winston, how may I help you?”

Customer: “What? Jesus, speak up!”

So I figured, might as well start yelling. I get yelled at all day, why not give it a shot?

Winston: “Yes, this is Winston! How may I help you?”

Customer: “What? Seriously speak up!”

This continued for awhile. I’d yell, then she’d get mad and yell back. Note, that had never happened before. I don’t yell at people. Only ESP’s yell at strangers on the phone. Fact.

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I Know My Own Phone Number

Now there’s a phone number I don’t want to call.

One of the many problems with ESP’s is that they’re so fucking sure of themselves no matter how dumb they are. For some reason they always think they’re right and simply can’t be reasoned with. That’s why unfortunately you sometimes have to humor them and stoop down to their level.

Customer: “Could you do me a favor and call me back at a different number? It’s 555-5555.”

Winson: “Um, actually it looks like we’re talking on that number right now. Do you have another number you’d like me to call?”

Customer: “No, we’re not talking on that number.”

Winston: “Well, I see it right here on my phone. 555-5555.”

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The ESP Name Game

Related to Mr. Pee Pee Pants.

Even though ESP’s are so fucking dumb and almost always wrong, they’re just so damn sure of themselves.

Customer: “I was just talking to Amanda and we got disconnected. I need you to transfer me right away.”

Winston: “I’m sorry, but no Amanda works in our office.”

Customer: “I know who I talked to. I was just on the phone with her, now connect me back!”

Winston: “I can definitely check our employee list, but I’m almost positive no one of that name works here.”

Sure enough, after a little check, no Amanda existed among the poor assholes working in Super Department.

Winston: “Are you sure it was this department? Could it be another name?”

Again, ESP’s are never wrong. Yet always wrong.

Customer: “Damnit, connect me right now, I’m tired of waiting around! Just go over to her desk, it’s not that hard!”

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Ain’t No Church Today

 

No one pays for GPS anymore. Just saying.

In honor of the birthday boy’s big day on the 25th, I thought I’d drop a fun little story about the importance of Sunday, the sabbath. Take note, don’t miss church, ever.

A woman called in because a technician didn’t make it out to her house that day and it had to be rescheduled. Something had fucked up in the scheduling system and by the time I talked to her there were no techs available. Sure it’s frustrating waiting for someone to come to your house and then not having them show up, I get that.

What I didn’t get is why this broad had to call ten times before she got to me and ignored everyone telling her they couldn’t get a tech out. If they could get someone out, they would, but man, she just didn’t like hearing the word “no.”

She spent most of the time threatening legal action against both Telescreen and myself because she was “a paralegal.” Oh shit, watch out everybody.

Customer: “I ain’t missing work no more, you hear me? Remember, I said I was a damn paralegal!”

Winston: “Well I can get someone to come out this Sunday so you don’t miss work again. If you’d like, I can also call the local office to make sure you’re first on the list.”

Customer: “Ah Hell nah! Don’t you know what day that is? I go to church on Sunday!”

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Tell Him To Go To Hell

Yelling into the phone is just as bad as stealing a payphone.

Talking to one ESP is bad enough. If you throw another ESP into the mix, you’ve got a fucking problem. As was the case when I was talking to some dumbass about sending a tech out to his house. The only caveat was that his wife was in the fucking background telling him what to say. Apparently he couldn’t think for himself. Or maybe his wife didn’t allow him to think.

Winston: “I’m happy to get someone out there to look at the issue, but I’m not able to waive the fee.”

Yelling Wife: “Ask him how much it’s gonna cost!”

Customer: “Yeah, how much is this gonna cost?”

Winston: “It will cost 50 dollars to send a technician out to your home.”

Customer: “He said fifty bucks.”

Yelling Wife: “Tell him to go to Hell!”

Customer: “Yeah, that’s not gonna work mister.”

Apparently he wasn’t very good at translating. He was supposed to tell me to go to Hell.

Yelling Wife: “Damnit, give me the phone! I want to give this son-of-a-bitch a piece of my mind.”

Well I guess we know who wears the pants in that household. Obviously she made him call Telescreen, but didn’t think he was doing a good enough job, so she took over. Lucky me.

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Sleeping On The Job

Would this be considered reckless driving?

In order to succeed at a job and make it a career, and employee needs a desire to advance. They need to believe in the company and their position therein. The employee must understand that with some effort, they can not only benefit the company, but also themselves.

Having said that, I could (obviously) give a flying fuck about Telescreen. That’s why I sleep on the job.

Actually, it’s been awhile since I had a little nap in the cubicle. On the morning shift in Super Department, calls are one after the other for nine frantic hours straight. When I was on the late night Tech Department shift however, I had the opportunity to doze off from time to time, and even once, passed the fuck out.

Allow me to explain. When a customer gets a new receiver, if they can’t figure out how to set it up, they call us and we have to walk them through the process. It’s decidedly simple, very rarely deviating from the tried and true step-by-step process. But it sure does take a long time. We’re talking about Telescreen equipment here, so the stuff is pure monkey shit.

The agents are supposed to lead the customer only to a certain point and then end the call because they have to be available to answer more and more calls (the sweatshop mentality remember). Yet I know that if we stay on the line waiting for everything to download it will make our lives a lot better. I know customers appreciate having someone make sure everything works. I know that everything will usually work without any issues. I know that our Q and A team (Big Brother) stops listening to calls after 30 minutes. I know the call will last more than 30 minutes. I know I don’t have to follow any bullshit guidelines. I know I can chill the fuck out for a few moments in the otherwise crazy call center.

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No! No! No!

You definitely don’t want to fuck with this mall cop.

Some ESP’s are in such extreme denial that they refuse to accept the truth. This happens quite a bit. For example, their bill says they owe 75 bucks. They think their bill should be free for some fucking reason. I explain why their bill is in fact 75 bucks, then they lose their shit. They yell, hang up, get their service disconnected, get sent to collections, and lose their shit again like two years later. I think the idea is that if they hang up, their bill magically goes away. Telescreen loves money too much to let that happen.

Other ESP’s like to jump on the denial train immediately. One in particular was quite skilled at blocking what he didn’t want to hear. He explained that he cancelled the service because it was a piece of shit. Understandable, Telescreen service is in fact really shitty. But then I had to explain a little issue with that. I kind of had to break some bad news. Since there’s a charge for breaking a contract, and Telescreen sure as shit doesn’t let us waive it, this psycho had 200 big ones on his bill. I started breaking the news slowly, but he was ready.

Winston: “Well…”

Customer: “No!”

Winston: “Um…”

Customer: “No!”

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