You’re Not In My Will

No stamp collection is complete without the “Bread Forever.”

A call came my way with a woman disputing a 300 dollar charge. After searching high and low, I told her I didn’t see the charge in our system. Maybe it was from competitor Telethon and not Telescreen. Maybe her eyesight was going. Maybe she just couldn’t fucking read. Either way, she was being a pain in the ass.

Winston: “Again, I’m sorry ma’am, but I don’t see the charge in our system. The only thing that will help us track down whether or not this was in fact a charge from Telescreen would be if you could send in the bank statement you have in front of you showing the 300 dollar charge.”

This made her mad because she was old, she was dumb, she was lazy, and apparently she was fucking Amish since she “didn’t have a computer.”

Winston: “I wish there was more I could do, but there’s no charge that I can reverse.”

This made her even more mad, but she kept pressing. I told her no again. She got really mad, but kept at me. I told her no again and then she pulled the pity card.

Customer: “I have cancer! I’m going to die! You’re killing me right now!”

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How To Protect Yourself From Identity Theft

Always listen to a truck covered in American flag asses.

How To Manipulate The Customer Service System

What do we all want? To save money and get our way, duh. Fear not, gentle reader, I’ve got the inside scoop on the customer service system. In Super Department, I know the ins and outs of every facet of the call center. Scroll down to learn how to manipulate the customer service system and get anything you want.

This will be a continuing series that will first appear in posts, and then permanently be placed in a page called “How To Guide.” The customer service system can be manipulated as long as you know how to do it. I know all the secrets of Telescreen and I’m happy to spill them all…

How To Protect Yourself From Identity Theft

One of the things I deal with a lot in Super Department is identity theft. Anytime a customer even mentions it, the frontline reps are required to send them over to us. Which is a lot of fun, because most people are pissed off, generally at us. No Cletus, I didn’t steal your identity, I don’t want to be a dirty Redneck living in a fucking trailer outside of Hays, Kansas. Now that I think about it, identity theft really is serious, because the only thing worse than one dumbass Redneck is two!

We have a strict protocol when dealing with identity theft at Telescreen. We can’t tell the people anything about the account and have to refer them to the identity theft team. Seems easy enough, but people flip their shit. Hell, I’d be pissed too, but us reps get in hot ass water if we spill the beans. Damn, this identity theft business seems like some serious shit. Fortunately there are some solid ways to avoid having to talk to my uncaring self when someone sets up shitty Telescreen service in your name.

The definition of identity theft is when someone uses your personal information without your permission. Talk about a bullshit definition right there. Who the fuck would give permission to borrow their identity? “Don’t worry, I’ll give it back to you next week, I promise.” I mean, come on, this isn’t like borrowing a Con Air DVD or something.

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How To Get Out Of A Contract

So what’s the correct way?

How To Manipulate The Customer Service System

What do we all want? To save money and get our way, duh. Fear not, gentle reader, I’ve got the inside scoop on the customer service system. In Super Department, I know the ins and outs of every facet of the call center. Scroll down to learn how to manipulate the customer service system and get anything you want.

This will be a continuing series that will first appear in posts, and then permanently be placed in a page called “How To Guide.” The customer service system can be manipulated as long as you know how to do it. I know all the secrets of Telescreen and I’m happy to spill them all…

How To Get Out Of A Contract

Nothing is a bigger pain in the ass for me than angry ESP’s and their contracts. I would sympathize with people if they weren’t such assholes, because Telescreen really can fuck people over with early termination fees. Fortunately there are many exceptions to get out of a contract and one very secret exception that you will soon be privy too, gentle reader.

TV companies love to fuck you over immediately when you sign up for service by locking you into a lovely little contract. Some even require signing a contract while others only give good promotions to those with a new contract. If you hang out with the TV company for two years, you’ll doubtfully have any problems. But shit happens. Sometimes you need to move, you lose your job, or you decide to live off the grid for awhile. Or there are TV companies like Telescreen that suck and have really shitty service that deserves to be immediately replaced by any other service provider.

Yet if you cancel early and break that agreement, you’re looking at a hefty early termination fee. The amount you pay depends on how much time is left on the contract, but with Telescreen, that can run well over 400 bucks. Do you know how many beers you can buy with that? A lot, that’s how many.

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The Big Spender

A history lesson while I buy a Slim Jim? Score.

Well hot damn gentle reader, we did it. We hit the century mark! 100 stories of stupidity. If you’ve been with me from the beginning, you know the impossible is possible. A normal person may believe in the intelligence of the human race. Yet we have 100 examples that there are some real fucking morons out there. Really dumb people. I’m talking about extremely stupid people here.

Now I’m not trying to be defeatist by any means, because quite a bit of good can come from 100 stories of stupid. Had a shitty day at work? Feel better by laughing at those with lesser intelligence. Did something dumb today? Boost your self-esteem by realizing you aren’t a dirty Redneck that can’t count past 2 (the number of Busch Lights ordered in a round at the bar).

I’ve got plenty more than a hundred stories, believe me. It seems like I can’t stay ahead of them. Everyday I go to the call center, really not wanting anyone to be so fucking ridiculous, but I’ll be damned, they just keep on coming. Endless stupidity.

So while we’re talking about numbers, allow me to enlighten you with a story about a man that got really fucking pissed over a really fucking small number.

Winston: “What do you mean you’ve been charged? Your service hasn’t even been setup yet.”

Customer: “I have my bank statement right here and I see a charge. I can send it to you, because I’m not blind!”

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The Infamous Credit Score Guy

I think the politically correct term is “disabled.”

An extremely stupid person doesn’t listen too well. It’s like stupidity blocks a portion of their hearing or something. This is nothing new, because most ESP’s get all worked up over some dumb shit that can easily be solved. The problem lies in the fact that they don’t understand rationale, mainly because they aren’t listening to any solutions. Come to think of it, they don’t understand much of anything at all, because they’re fucking stupid.

There was one guy who was particularly stupid deaf. I like that term, “stupid deaf,” has a nice ring to it. Anyway, his story isn’t particularly stupid, nor is it particularly hilarious. Yet for some reason, it’s been spread around the call center, and fellow employees as well as supervisors enjoy asking me about it. If they only knew how to Google “Extremely Stupid People,” they would have way more than one ESP story!

Customer: “So why don’t you tell me about this here rebate y’all sent me.”

Winston: “So you purchased the receiver box at full price, this is the $100 off the salesman told you about when you purchased your service a couple of months ago.”

Customer: “Yeah, but where the Hell’s my money? Y’all gave me this dumb card.”

Winston: “Correct, the money is on there. It’s a prepaid debit card with $100. It will spend just like cash.”

Customer: “Um, no, it won’t. Ain’t no way in Hell I’m opening up a card in my name. I’m watching my credit score.”

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How To Get New Customer Promos

The redneck version of a Las Vegas casino sign.

How To Manipulate The Customer Service System

What do we all want? To save money and get our way, duh. Fear not, gentle reader, I’ve got the inside scoop on the customer service system. In Super Department, I know the ins and outs of every facet of the call center. Scroll down to learn how to manipulate the customer service system and get anything you want.

This will be a continuing series that will first appear in posts, and then permanently be placed in a page called “How To Guide.” The customer service system can be manipulated as long as you know how to do it. I know all the secrets of Telescreen and I’m happy to spill them all…

How To Get New Customer Promos

Telescreen, like most companies, only wants to sell their service to new customers, and really doesn’t give a shit about the loyal ones. They have a ton of promotions available to entice new people, but not a damn thing for existing or long-term customers. Since Telescreen is such a piece of shit, their customers don’t last very long. Yet when I encounter people that are dumb enough to stick with them for 1o years or more, not one additional promotion is available. I think that’s pretty fucked up, but fortunately, there’s a foolproof around this new customer promo problem that I call The Company Bounce Method.

This method is based on contract terms, which dictates quite a bit with companies like Telescreen. With TV, Internet, and phone providers, you almost always have to sign a two-year commitment to get the killer promos. You get all the good deals for the first few months, a couple more deals shortly after that, and then most of the time, everything rolls off at the end of the first year. You’re then locked into a contract for another year, and suddenly paying full price. Each bill that you rip open spurs and instant “fuck” when you look at the price.

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How To Maximize Your Monthly Savings

This is what a stripper looks like at the bank.

How To Manipulate The Customer Service System

What do we all want? To save money and get our way, duh. Fear not, gentle reader, I’ve got the inside scoop on the customer service system. In Super Department, I know the ins and outs of every facet of the call center. Scroll down to learn how to manipulate the customer service system and get anything you want.

This will be a continuing series that will first appear in posts, and then permanently be placed in a page called “How To Guide.” The customer service system can be manipulated as long as you know how to do it. I know all the secrets of Telescreen and I’m happy to spill them all…

How To Maximize Your Monthly Savings

Tons of people call in demanding, yelling, screaming, and bullying the employees. Unfortunately, these jerks usually get what they want because of this psycho behavior. In order to save money, you don’t have to be a lunatic, you just need to know how the system works. Here’s how to work your way up the agent ladder and maximize monthly credits on your bill:

When you call in to the main automated system, you’ll eventually get a frontline agent. Immediately tell them you want to cancel, and they will then transfer you to a “loyalty” agent. This job, as I know from experience, is just plain terrible, because the loyalty agents are paid to keep people from canceling. Their performance is based on how many customers they “save,” and with Telescreen, they must make two “save offers” before they are even allowed to cancel an account. When you get transferred to them, beware that they are smarter than the frontline agent and also more hardened, mainly because they get screamed at all day. This is a good thing though, because you can negotiate with a real person much better than someone reciting a script.

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