I’m Still Not Satisfied

So I can report the thousands of Angry Assholes I talked to, right?
So now I can report the thousands of Angry Assholes I’ve talked to, right?

A lot of times, Angry Assholes just call in to complain. It seems like they aren’t actually calling to solve an issue, they just want to bitch someone out to make themselves feel better. They like to make a point to the call-center workers that they aren’t happy, which usually comes across loud and clear when they’re screaming “fuck you.”

One woman could not be appeased no matter what I did. She just wanted to be an asshole. Boy did she succeed.

Customer: “You better cancel my account or I’m calling the BBB!”

Winston: “Again, ma’am, I cannot cancel your account because we have a contract on file. Why don’t you tell me why you want to cancel and maybe we can figure out how to make the service better.”

Customer: “I’m not satisfied.”

Winston: “With?”

Customer: “Um…the signal.”

I put her on hold and surprisingly was able to get a tech out that same day and waive the charge.

Winston: “Well…it looks like I can get a tech to your home by this afternoon and I am able to waive the charge.”

Customer: “I’m still not satisfied.”

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The Phone Sex Badass

“Oh yeah, it’s definitely getting hot in here.”

Sometimes employees don’t get mad, they get even. I plot pretty much every single day how I can get even with these idiotic assholes, but so far I’ve come up with nothing. One employee was much better at plotting than me and ended up getting pretty fucking even.

I’m on the phone with some raging bitch who’s pissed about something I don’t give a fuck about. She’s insistent on talking to a previous agent who was working with her the previous week.

Customer: “I need to speak with John, he promised me he would get a technician out here today!”

Winston: “Well let me see if I can track John down then.”

Customer: “No, you get up and you find him right now!”

See the demanding bullshit I deal with on a regular basis? I put the raging bitch on hold and tried to track down John, the poor employee that had to deal with this psycho. I looked him up in our directory, and it turned out he had just quit earlier in the week. Smart bastard. That’s par for the course as the turnover is fucking unreal at Telescreen.

Winston: “I’m sorry ma’am, but it looks like John quit earlier this week. I’m not sure if you had tried calling him…”

Customer: “You’re damn right I have! I’ve been trying to call him all week, why do you think I’m so frustrated? Every time I called that number, you know what I got? A phone sex line. S-E-X! You know, that porno stuff. Can you believe that?”

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The Last Call

Now that’s what I call good customer service.

Your Stories: “The Last Call”

Thanks to oldsalt1942, we have a new and enjoyable addition to ESP via Your Stories. It looks like I’m not the only one that had endure the painful stupidity of a call center. Apparently this was his last call, and I must say, he went out like a boss:

Me: “How can I help you?”

Caller: “I’m a little confused about the instructions on your awning cleaner.”

Me: “What seems to be the problem?”

Caller: “It says mix one part cleaner with three parts water.”

Me: “Yes? What’s the problem with that?”

Caller: “What’s a part?”

Me: “It can be whatever you want it to be.”

Caller: “I still don’t understand…”

Me: “Okay, do you have a shot glass?”

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Winston Teaches A Redneck The Alphabet

To a third grader, this is the alphabet. To a redneck, these letters might as well be hieroglyphics.

In the initial job description for the call center rep job, it didn’t really elaborate on what “educating customers” meant. I assumed that meant telling people about billing policies, showing them how to use remotes, etc. Only years of hard time at Telescreen would teach me what that really meant:

Winston: “Do you remember the agent’s name you were speaking with yesterday?”

Customer: “Ah heck, Bobby? Barry? Ben?”

Winston: “Was it Bill?”

Customer: “Oh yeah, there it is. Yeah, get me over to Bill.”

Winston: “He’s on a call right now, but I can get you his number.”

Customer: “Okay, hold on now. Let me grab a pen. Alright, Bill. How do you spell that? B…l, right?”

It was then when I muted my phone so he didn’t hear me say, “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” 

Winston: “No sir, you’re missing a few letters. B…i…l…l.”

Customer: “That looks right, now what’s the number?”

Fortunately he learned how to count to ten, but the alphabet remained a mystery. At least now I know why they sell alphabet soup in Mississippi dollar stores.

Winston Teaches A Customer His Own Name

This gives “buying online” a whole new meaning.

Stupid People Say The Dumbest Fucking Things:

Winston: “I’ll go ahead and take the payment now. What’s the card number?”

Customer: “It’s 4521….”

Winston: “Okay, thank you. And could I get the name on the card please?”

Customer: “Visa.”

Winston: “No, the name as it appears on the card.”

Customer: “Let me see, yeah, it’s definitely a Visa.”

Winston: “Do you see your name on the card?”

Customer: “Well my name’s Bob.”

Winston: “Does it say your name on the card?”

Customer: “Maybe, let me see. Um, it says ‘Bob Dumbass’ right in the middle there. Is that what you mean?”

I’ll let that one speak for itself.

No, I Have Lunch That Day

“No Grandma, I can’t call you because you don’t know how to use a phone.”

Old people are so fucking difficult to troubleshoot with because they never want to do a thing. You ask them to press the power button on the remote and they act like you asked them for their first born child. This is exactly what happened when I encountered Social Mabel.

The call came in because she was refusing to troubleshoot her TV issue. Once Social Mabel came on the line, she was the typical clueless and elderly customer. She didn’t know her TV remote from a damn pencil sharpener, and the last thing she would be caught dead doing was troubleshooting.

Winston: “The first thing we’re going to need to do is reset the TV receiver.”

Customer: “I can’t do that! I’m an old woman, there’s no way I’m bending over to grab that stupid plug.”

Winston: “Okay, well how about we try pressing the power button on the remote. It’s the little red button on the top.”

Customer: “Are you kidding me? The remote is all the way across the room. I’m not getting up to press some dang whatever.”

All the while, I’m shaking my head, and I know she probably went through this for an hour with at least two other agents. CSR’s aren’t allowed to send technicians until they have followed all of the troubleshooting steps first. As I could see, there was no way anyone was going to get past step one with this old pain in the ass. Social Mabel was stonewalling everyone like a fucking pro.

Winston: “Well we need to try troubleshooting if you want to fix your TV.”

Customer: “I’m not trying a darn thing, you get someone out here to fix this, and you get someone out here right now!”

I argued for another five minutes and decided, fuck this, there was no way she was going to get off her old wrinkly ass to do anything.

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Is That Spanish?

I know I mock the Telescreen customers all the time, but shit, the employees are dumbasses too. Here’s an example: Winston: “Are you looking at the notes on the account?” CSR: “Yeah, I see a note from a John in your office. It says, ‘Couldn’t call customer back due to queue.’ Is that spanish, you […]

I’m Just Not Very Good At Thinking

“I wonder if I can wear this to work. Is this technically business casual?”

Stupid People Say The Dumbest Fucking Things:

Winston: “Do you see the premium channels on your bill?”

Customer: “The what now?”

Winston: “The $15 charge we’ve been talking about on your May bill. Do you see that charge, three lines down from the top?”

Customer: “Okay, hold on now, let me see. No, I still don’t see it.”

Winston: “Do you see anything labeled Premium Channels?”

Customer: “Um, yeah, I see that. Okay then, there it is!”

Winston: “That’s the one.”

Customer: “Sorry I’m not much help here, I’m just not very good at thinking.”

Winston: “That’s okay.”

I figured I’d agree with him on being an idiot, but you’ve got to appreciate an ESP that’s honest. Most think they’re smart for some stupid reason.

Happy Birthday ESP!

Hello again, gentle reader! It sure has been awhile since we’ve last talked. I have to admit, the future of ESP was looking grim. This recent hiatus is due to my debates over the future of this blog. With such low readership, it didn’t seem like all the effort was worthwhile. I think some of […]

The Hot Dog Eating Contest

Some companies support a healthy lifestyle by promoting outdoor activities or a discount for a fitness club membership. It’s no surprise that Telescreen doesn’t support a fucking thing that would benefit the employees. Maybe they’re worried that the costs would be too high because an insanely high percentage of the employees are obese. I’m not […]