Ain’t No Church Today


No one pays for GPS anymore. Just saying.

In honor of the birthday boy’s big day on the 25th, I thought I’d drop a fun little story about the importance of Sunday, the sabbath. Take note, don’t miss church, ever.

A woman called in because a technician didn’t make it out to her house that day and it had to be rescheduled. Something had fucked up in the scheduling system and by the time I talked to her there were no techs available. Sure it’s frustrating waiting for someone to come to your house and then not having them show up, I get that.

What I didn’t get is why this broad had to call ten times before she got to me and ignored everyone telling her they couldn’t get a tech out. If they could get someone out, they would, but man, she just didn’t like hearing the word “no.”

She spent most of the time threatening legal action against both Telescreen and myself because she was “a paralegal.” Oh shit, watch out everybody.

Customer: “I ain’t missing work no more, you hear me? Remember, I said I was a damn paralegal!”

Winston: “Well I can get someone to come out this Sunday so you don’t miss work again. If you’d like, I can also call the local office to make sure you’re first on the list.”

Customer: “Ah Hell nah! Don’t you know what day that is? I go to church on Sunday!”

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The Bible Belt

“Where do I go for my free fill up? This is a gas station, right?”

Gentle reader, the holiday season is upon us. I know you’re supposed to say “happy holidays,” but everyone knows that the big deal around this time of year is the birthday celebration of Jesus. Now I’m not a religious man myself, but I must say, many of the Telescreen customers come right out of The Bible Belt. They really love Jesus, and I’m sure they are getting all worked up over the big birthday bash this year. So in honor of His (you’re supposed to capitalize it because Jesus is that big of a deal) birthday, let’s look at some of the lovely sayings those folks in The Bible Belt have used in their efforts to make me a good Christian. If I go to church on Sunday, will it spare me from daily contact with ESP’s? If so, consider me a devout Christian from this day forward.

Customer: “Thank you so much, and remember, Jesus loves you!”

Does that mean He loves Angry Assholes and Dirty Rednecks too? Because He really needs to be more exclusive.

Customer: “I’ll write your number down in my bible, that way I won’t lose it.”

Are you kidding? That’s one big fucking book, the number is officially lost already.

Customer 1: “Ask him if he’s been saved!”

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