How To Protect Yourself From Identity Theft

Always listen to a truck covered in American flag asses.

How To Manipulate The Customer Service System

What do we all want? To save money and get our way, duh. Fear not, gentle reader, I’ve got the inside scoop on the customer service system. In Super Department, I know the ins and outs of every facet of the call center. Scroll down to learn how to manipulate the customer service system and get anything you want.

This will be a continuing series that will first appear in posts, and then permanently be placed in a page called “How To Guide.” The customer service system can be manipulated as long as you know how to do it. I know all the secrets of Telescreen and I’m happy to spill them all…

How To Protect Yourself From Identity Theft

One of the things I deal with a lot in Super Department is identity theft. Anytime a customer even mentions it, the frontline reps are required to send them over to us. Which is a lot of fun, because most people are pissed off, generally at us. No Cletus, I didn’t steal your identity, I don’t want to be a dirty Redneck living in a fucking trailer outside of Hays, Kansas. Now that I think about it, identity theft really is serious, because the only thing worse than one dumbass Redneck is two!

We have a strict protocol when dealing with identity theft at Telescreen. We can’t tell the people anything about the account and have to refer them to the identity theft team. Seems easy enough, but people flip their shit. Hell, I’d be pissed too, but us reps get in hot ass water if we spill the beans. Damn, this identity theft business seems like some serious shit. Fortunately there are some solid ways to avoid having to talk to my uncaring self when someone sets up shitty Telescreen service in your name.

The definition of identity theft is when someone uses your personal information without your permission. Talk about a bullshit definition right there. Who the fuck would give permission to borrow their identity? “Don’t worry, I’ll give it back to you next week, I promise.” I mean, come on, this isn’t like borrowing a Con Air DVD or something.

Read More »

Credit Cards 101

“I don’t care if you have a credit card, I’m not selling you 100 pounds of dog food.”

I’ve noticed that I help ESP customers with more than just their TV service. I mean, I help them with life in general. ESP’s need a little more assistance with pretty much everything. Like walking ten feet, eating a bowl of Wheaties, or simply using a credit card.

Winston: “I’m sorry sir, but the credit card is still saying ‘declined’ in our system.”

Customer: “Well Hell, it’s brand spankin’ new, I have no idea why it won’t work.”

Winston: “Have you used it yet?”

Customer: “Well, no. I told ya, it’s brand new.”

Winston: “That might be the problem.”

Customer: “What, do I have to do something with a new card?”

Winston: “Yes, you have to activate it.”

Customer: “Activate it? I have to activate a credit card? How in Hell’s name do I do that?”

I won’t go into detail on how to activate a card, gentle reader. I know you’re intelligent and can figure out that the giant sticker on the card saying “Call to Activate” isn’t there for decoration.