Top ESP Searches: Volume 3

“Listen, you’re not gonna look cool unless your binocs match your shirt.”

Wow, these searches just keep rolling on in! I have more searches than brain cells left in my noggin after spending a couple of years chatting with ESP’s. Let’s get cooking with the stupidest of stupid searches before I lose the few braincells I have left.

“Rednecks From Mississippi Are So Dumb”

Yeah, no shit. Did you really need to search the Internet for confirmation? A pet rock could have told you that.

“I’m A Master of the Custodial Arts”

No, you’re a fucking janitor. I am not a master of the intelligent arts; I work in a fucking call center and am forced to interact with idiots all day. Let’s quit sugarcoating it, okay?

“Why Legs Don’t Move In Elder People”

Um, because they’re fucking old.

“Stupid People Gaga”

What the fuck?

Read More »

Ask Jeeves

If you can’t afford a real servant…

Stupid People Say The Dumbest Fucking Things:

Winston: “If you want to upgrade your package to get all of the movie channels, we can add on the premium service for you.”

Customer: “And how much will that cost?”

Winston: “All of them together will be $44 more a month.”

Customer: “And how about just the two we were discussing previously?”

Winston: “Then it would only be $20 a month.”

Then came an awkward pause followed by a big sigh.

Customer: “Oh, I do not know what to do.”

Winston: “You can always make these changes online.”

I always try to dissuade people from calling in. Saving the world, one ESP at a time.

Customer: “No, I do not want to do that. I will think about it. I will have my servant call you back to discuss these menu items at a later time.”

Read More »

Proper Credentials

“Hey bros, which way is the toga party?”

When a customer calls in, I assume they’re stupid. I know it’s not right to judge, but I’ve done the research. I’ve spoken to thousands upon thousands of extremely stupid dumb assholes, so by now, my assumptions can be treated as facts.

Some of these dipshits simply don’t want to admit they’re stupid. It’s the ones that refute their lack of intelligence the most that end up being, well, the stupidest. Usually they argue and accuse me of implying they’re stupid (which I do) or thinking they’re stupid (which I do).

Yet only one man was brave enough to provide me with the proper credentials to prove his intelligence:

Winston: “Well sir, I’ve looked at your bill and everything seems correct. I’m still showing you owe $75.68.”

Customer: “Let me ask you a question. Do you understand who you’re talking to right now?”

Winston: “Excuse me?”

Read More »

The Fail Agent

Epic fail.

Considering the type of employees at Telescreen, you would figure it’s not that hard of a job. If you barely need a high school degree, limited “customer service experience,” and must be a chain smoker with two kids driving a rusty pinto, you would think the job is pretty fucking easy.

From reading some of my past blog posts, I’m sure you also get the sense that this it’s probably one of the more stressful jobs out there. Take a normal cubicle job, but toss in appeasing the screaming toothless redneck while navigating ten different near-obsolete applications as quickly as possible, and you’ve got a recipe for a shit job.

Me, I like to keep shit simple. That turns a stressful job into sometimes, an easy job. For example, some dumbass calls in and starts bitching about their bill. I throw free shit and money at them. They then quit bitching, hang up the phone, and leave me the fuck alone. See how simple that is?

Of course it’s not always that easy, but if you strive for simplicity, it really makes the days a lot easier. In a place filled with ESP’s, easy is a key savior of sanity.

Some employees aren’t quite that enlightened. They go by the book and seem to think they can solve everything using the bullshit mandates from the upper echelon of Telescreen. Of course all of the rules thrown at us don’t help us with our jobs, but only impede them. You’ve got to think outside of the box, and well, actually think in the first place to survive the day to day.

Read More »

Don’t Get Mad And Leave

“This is what you wear to a job interview, right?”

Right when I started at Telescreen, I began making my next move. After one day of training, I realized what I was getting into, and immediately wanted out. Obviously, working at Telescreen was going to be a temporary thing until I could find a real job. That was and still is easier said than done, so I set my sights within the company in the interim. I quickly learned that I wasn’t the only one wanting to move around in Telescreen. We employees call it “getting off the phones,” and as the name suggests, we all desire to work anywhere and do anything other than talk to fucking idiots all day.

I began bugging my training boss, then my second boss, then my third boss. My inquiries about moving within the company came about every single day. The supervisors and management aren’t stupid, and they don’t let just anyone transfer. Wait, I take that back, they’re all really fucking stupid actually.

Anyway, the management is aware everyone wants to “get off the phones,” but knows that they need to keep the shitty positions staffed. So in order to transfer, you have to pretend you really want it, be ready for more bullshit, and only opt for one specific department, all in hopes that a vacancy will open up. A normal company would encourage growth and provide employees with opportunities to move up the ranks. As you can imagine, Telescreen isn’t quite as enlightened as a normal company. They prefer to keep the employees at their shitty positions until they inevitably quit. Maybe that’s why we have a new training class hitting the call center floor an average of every other week. I shit you not, that’s a fucking fact.

Read More »

Do You Believe In Santa?

Apparently Santa’s sleigh broke down.

Just to help you get in the Christmas spirit, here’s a quick little story from one of my coworkers. He claimed this customer is the dumbest person he’d spoken to during his tenure at Telescreen. That’s saying a lot (please review every previous post of this blog as a reference).

Worker: “I’m not showing you’re getting signal to your TV.”

Customer: “That’s what I keep telling you, my dish got knocked over a few nights ago!”

Worker: “Was there some sort of inclement weather?”

Customer: “No, it was Christmas night. The damn thing got knocked over then.”

Worker: “Okay…”

Customer: “I saw the damn thing happen. A reindeer knocked my satellite dish over!”

Worker: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I ain’t crazy, I’m telling you one of those damn reindeer knocked it right off of it’s mount. I’m going to need a technician out here asap.”

Apparently someone still believes in Santa.

I’ve Only Got $10 To My Name

“Grab my wallet, it’s the one that says Bad Mother Fucker.”

Stupid People Say The Dumbest Fucking Things:

I’m fighting with some dumbass over his bill, mainly because he has every single channel, ever single package, tons of receivers, and the best equipment. I also see his address is in Alabama.

Winston: “Well sir, if the bill is too high, we could consider lowering your package.”

Customer: “No, I ain’t gonna do that. No way I’m losing any channels.”

Winston: “With the top package and all the add-ons, that’s the price you’re going to see each month.”

Customer: “What you think I am, rich?”

Again, I saw his address was in Alabama…

Customer: “When I signed up all this stuff was cheap.”

Winston: “The introductory rate was cheaper, but you kept all of the add-ons, and now you’re paying full price for everything.”

Customer: “Well that right there is some B.S! I ain’t paying nothing more. I want all these channels, but I want them for free because of all the hassle y’all have been causing me.”

Read More »

Top ESP Searches: Volume 2

Crazy Uncle Jeff was in charge of watching little Stacy. Good thing he had plenty of toys for her to play with.

It’s that time again! Here’s the second installment of the outrageous search terms that lead people to the blog. This is how ESP’s find a blog about, well, ESP’s. After reading all of these search terms, please ask yourself a quick,”What the fuck?” I mean really, how the Hell do people come up with this shit?

“People At Work Think I’m Stupid”

Well, shit, they’re probably right. I mean, if you have to Google that while you’re at work, then the coworkers have you pretty well figured out. I’m sure this sent you to my similar post, My Wife Thinks I’m Stupid. That guys wife was right, these coworkers are right, but I can’t help but wonder what exactly is the goal of this search? An article on a self-help blog entitled, “How To Deal With Difficult Coworkers?” How about an intelligence test? Let’s figure out a game plan for you, Mr. Genius Coworker. Get off the blog, go grab a dictionary, and read it. The whole fucking thing. When you’re done reading the dictionary, come back and we’ll talk.

“I Have Lunch At Five”

Okay, cool. Good for you. That’s a late lunch, you may want to classify that as dinner and do a new search for “I have dinner at five.” Then you can get in on that Early Bird Special old folks like so much. Maybe that’s the reason for the search? Or you think if you Google your lunch plans it will automatically go to the calendar and then your brain? I assume you were lead to the post, No, I Have Lunch That Day, and felt much the same as that ESP. I really can’t figure out why someone would search for “I have lunch at five,” but hey, there are a lot of things I don’t understand about extremely stupid people.

Read More »

Sorry, I Wasn’t Listening

“No, I have the best beard in town!”

Stupid People Say The Dumbest Fucking Things:

Winston: “So if you want a refund, you’re going to have to send in a bank statement.”

Customer: No response.

Winston: “Um, you can do that by scanning a recent bill from your bank. Do you have a scanner?”

Customer: No response.

Winston: “Well if you don’t have a scanner, you can take a screen shot of your bill online. Do you know how to do that?”

Customer: No response.

Winston: “Hello, ma’am, are you still there?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m here. Sorry, I wasn’t listening, I was too annoyed.”

Read More »

The Phone Sex Badass

“Oh yeah, it’s definitely getting hot in here.”

Sometimes employees don’t get mad, they get even. I plot pretty much every single day how I can get even with these idiotic assholes, but so far I’ve come up with nothing. One employee was much better at plotting than me and ended up getting pretty fucking even.

I’m on the phone with some raging bitch who’s pissed about something I don’t give a fuck about. She’s insistent on talking to a previous agent who was working with her the previous week.

Customer: “I need to speak with John, he promised me he would get a technician out here today!”

Winston: “Well let me see if I can track John down then.”

Customer: “No, you get up and you find him right now!”

See the demanding bullshit I deal with on a regular basis? I put the raging bitch on hold and tried to track down John, the poor employee that had to deal with this psycho. I looked him up in our directory, and it turned out he had just quit earlier in the week. Smart bastard. That’s par for the course as the turnover is fucking unreal at Telescreen.

Winston: “I’m sorry ma’am, but it looks like John quit earlier this week. I’m not sure if you had tried calling him…”

Customer: “You’re damn right I have! I’ve been trying to call him all week, why do you think I’m so frustrated? Every time I called that number, you know what I got? A phone sex line. S-E-X! You know, that porno stuff. Can you believe that?”

Read More »