The Goodbyes

That’s one way to hang up the phone.

We’re required to sign off from each call in a specific, stupid fucking way. No “goodbye,” “have a good day,” or “go fuck yourself.” It always has to be, “Thank you for calling Telescreen, have a great day.” When Big Brother and company listen to our calls, they mark us down for that shit. That in turn drops our performance ranking and means we don’t get our measly, shitty bonus. But that’s a story for another day.

Needless to say, we’re always about dropping our sign-off even after the customer hangs up, no matter how irrational. Since we get hung up on so frequently, you’d think our dipshit outro wouldn’t be needed. Not the case. This is what a call like that sounds like when customers get pissed and hang up.

Customer: “Well screw you and your damn company, I’m not paying a dime!”

Click. Silence.

Winston: “Thank you so much for calling Telescreen, have a wonderful day!”

Now that’s how you do a call right, at least according to the creeps listening in on us. I mean, you’d think it would suck getting hung up on all day, but it’s the best thing ever. When an ESP is losing their shit, you’re tired of hearing their stupid fucking voice complain about the dumbest shit, and then they hang up. Amazing.

Even though the employees can’t be creative in their sign offs, the customers sure can. Here are some of my favorites:

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Winston Gets Hit On

In Montana, they have caution signs for deer. Other places have slightly different caution signs.

My calls are about 50/50. I’d say roughly 50% of the time the calls are uneventful and therefore amazing. 40% of the time a customer flips shit on me and has a fucking fit over something stupid. The other 10% are, well, just a little different…

Winston: “Okay ma’am, I think that settles your payment, you should be all good to. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Customer: “I know my nurse told me not to flirt, but I just can’t help it. Do you have yourself a wife Mr. Winston?”

Winston: “Um, no, but I don’t think this is…”

Oh no, this isn’t happening.

Customer: “Hot dog! How about a girlfriend?”

Nope, it’s happening. Better lay down the law and hang up before it gets any weirder.

Winston: “Yes, I do have a girlfriend, now is there anything else I can help you…”

Customer: “Ah, shoot! Well you call me if you ever break up.”

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The WTF Collection

“What the fuck is the problem with your sink?”

Sometimes I just have to ask, “What the fuck?”

Customer: “Telescreen is way worse than anything else I’ve ever had. They’re just the worst! Worster! Worsterest! You hear me? Worsterest!”

Well, your grammar is shit, shitty, shittiest.

Customer: “It’s not my responsibility to understand what the agent is saying to me!”

So…who should be listening to the conversation then? I’ll just assume you have an assistant following you at all times.

Customer: “Let me tell you man, don’t have kids, there’s no damn refund.”

I was just wondering as your kids were screaming in the background if you could actually return them once they turn into little assholes. Apparently you can not.

Customer: “I told you these kids messed up my cable line. Don’t ever move into a neighborhood with kids, they are motherfuckers!”

Well, I suppose you may be right that some kids are pieces of shit, but finding a neighborhood kid-free will land you in an old folk’s home.

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The Email Collection: Volume 5

“Hold on, I’m just reading our monthly email usage.”

Wow, it’s been almost a year since we’ve ridiculed ESP email addresses. I dare say this is long overdue. You know the old saying: Give an ESP an email account and they won’t know how to use it. Teach an ESP how to create an email account and they’ll make it something really fucking stupid. What in the fuck is the point of this? Why would anyone in their right mind have the word “poo” in an email address? On second thought, why is “poo” in there twice? Sometimes I can’t even begin to rationalize the stupidity I encounter. Well I think congratulations are in order. No, what am I thinking, this must be the email of a framing business, right? A nail manufacturing plant? Either way, I’m sorry Mr. Well Hung, but you didn’t get the job. Something about that email address really didn’t say “team player” or “problem solver.”  What the fuck does that even mean? Everyone was wondering who Mike Wagner’s mom was. They especially wanted to know when an email came in. So Mike’s mom created an email account accordingly. Let us be clear that her name heeds no importance whatsoever. We just need to know that she’s Mike Wagner’s mom.  No way I’m answering an email from the Grim Reaper, even if that asshole can’t figure out how to turn on the TV.

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Scary ESP Stories

Even the pumpkins party too hard on Halloween.

Well gentle reader, it’s Halloween, the day we like to spend scaring the shit out of ourselves. That and eating candy, walking around looking like dumbasses, and getting really drunk. It’s a really great holiday.

Anyway, I thought what better way to enjoy this spooky day than to share some scary Halloween stories. What’s more frightening than an extremely stupid person? Not much, but lets see what we’ve got:

Killer Aliens

Customer: “I turned off the lights so they won’t find me.”

Fellow Agent: “Who?”

Customer: “The aliens. They’s after me. I be talking to you in a closet. Is this line secure?”

Assessment: Though I got this from a fellow agent, I can vouch that we don’t make this shit up. I know it sounds fake, but review every previous post and you’ll understand that people really are this fucking stupid. And aliens do go after illiterate Rednecks. SCARY.

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PHD: Pathetically Hopeless Dumbass

She’s guilty.

One of my pet peeves in life is people with egos. Now this is a pet peeve in real life, beyond the confines of Hell on Earth (aka the Telescreen call center). Now these egotistical people like to flaunt their “status” in order to feel better about themselves. They need to put other people down to prove they’re “better” than them. This of course includes call center employees. Sure they may be more successful, make more money, and definitely have a better job than me, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t fucking stupid.

Winston: “Sir, I’m looking right here at your bill. All of the charges have been added up correctly. I even double checked with a calculator while I had you on hold, and everything adds up to $113.”

Customer: “No, you’re wrong. Your system is wrong. Hell, your calculator is wrong.”

Winston: “I can go through each charge again if you want, feel free to add them with me.”

I figured I’d teach him how to use a calculator and avoid this issue in the future.

Customer: “No, I don’t need you to teach me how to add, pal. Do you know who I am?”

Oh shit, not this spiel again.

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The Big Spender

A history lesson while I buy a Slim Jim? Score.

Well hot damn gentle reader, we did it. We hit the century mark! 100 stories of stupidity. If you’ve been with me from the beginning, you know the impossible is possible. A normal person may believe in the intelligence of the human race. Yet we have 100 examples that there are some real fucking morons out there. Really dumb people. I’m talking about extremely stupid people here.

Now I’m not trying to be defeatist by any means, because quite a bit of good can come from 100 stories of stupid. Had a shitty day at work? Feel better by laughing at those with lesser intelligence. Did something dumb today? Boost your self-esteem by realizing you aren’t a dirty Redneck that can’t count past 2 (the number of Busch Lights ordered in a round at the bar).

I’ve got plenty more than a hundred stories, believe me. It seems like I can’t stay ahead of them. Everyday I go to the call center, really not wanting anyone to be so fucking ridiculous, but I’ll be damned, they just keep on coming. Endless stupidity.

So while we’re talking about numbers, allow me to enlighten you with a story about a man that got really fucking pissed over a really fucking small number.

Winston: “What do you mean you’ve been charged? Your service hasn’t even been setup yet.”

Customer: “I have my bank statement right here and I see a charge. I can send it to you, because I’m not blind!”

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Baby Got Back

Somehow going to the library didn’t seem so lame.

If the supervisors at Telescreen weren’t such a bunch of fucking Nazis, we would probably be allowed to listen to some tunes while rotting away in our evil cubicles of doom. Sadly, they insist that all of our cell phones be put away, and of course we can’t access Pandora or anything on our ancient shithole computers. Instead, we are stuck listening to the sweet sounds of toothless Rednecks trying to count beyond ten. For the record, they generally can’t.

Agents from other sales affiliates aren’t prone to the same strict protocol, since they don’t work in a fucking sweatshop like us Telescreen employees. Occasionally we can hear music in the background when they call in. One agent in particular was not so discreet with her music choices or the volume.

Winston: “Thanks for calling Super Department, this is Winston, how may I help you?”

I immediately hear music blasting in the background.

Agent: “Hey Winston, can you help me build an account? I’m getting an error with the credit card.”

Winston: “Not a problem, let me bring up the account here, one second…”

As I was bringing the account up on my screen and no one was talking, I finally caught what song she was listening to.

Music: “Fat bottom girls, you make the rocking world go round…”

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Have You Ever Heard Of Iraq?

“Shut the fuck up Donny.”

If you’ve ever seen The Big Lebowski, you know that John Goodman’s character Walter loved bringing up his experiences in Vietnam. We now know that his buddies died lying face down in the muck, but most of the characters in the movie didn’t want to hear any of that. Similarly, I don’t want to hear about some Redneck asshole’s experiences in Iraq. That won’t stop them from telling me all about it though.

Winston: “Well sir, last summer the services were shut off due to non payment.”

Customer: “I already told you I wasn’t home. I was out of the country!”

Winston: “That may be, but since the account was still active, the charges continued to accrue on the account.”

Customer: “Let me ask you something. Have you ever heard of Iraq?”

No, I guess I slept through Geography 101 and have never watched the news in my entire life.

Winston: “Yes sir I have, but we need to get back to the matter at hand…”

Customer: “Last summer, I was in Iraq. Fighting in Operation Iraqi Freedom. I was fighting for democracy. For your freedom. For your neighbor’s.”

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Ask Jeeves

If you can’t afford a real servant…

Stupid People Say The Dumbest Fucking Things:

Winston: “If you want to upgrade your package to get all of the movie channels, we can add on the premium service for you.”

Customer: “And how much will that cost?”

Winston: “All of them together will be $44 more a month.”

Customer: “And how about just the two we were discussing previously?”

Winston: “Then it would only be $20 a month.”

Then came an awkward pause followed by a big sigh.

Customer: “Oh, I do not know what to do.”

Winston: “You can always make these changes online.”

I always try to dissuade people from calling in. Saving the world, one ESP at a time.

Customer: “No, I do not want to do that. I will think about it. I will have my servant call you back to discuss these menu items at a later time.”

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