One of the many problems with ESP’s is that they’re so fucking sure of themselves no matter how dumb they are. For some reason they always think they’re right and simply can’t be reasoned with. That’s why unfortunately you sometimes have to humor them and stoop down to their level.
Customer: “Could you do me a favor and call me back at a different number? It’s 555-5555.”
Winson: “Um, actually it looks like we’re talking on that number right now. Do you have another number you’d like me to call?”
Customer: “No, we’re not talking on that number.”
Winston: “Well, I see it right here on my phone. 555-5555.”
Anyone who’s ever worked in tech support knows the first thing you have to ask is always, “Is the machine on?” The funny thing is, ESPs kind of know this by now, and in most cases, they get pretty pissed off and confused when you ask them. To make things go a little smoother, I started asking ESPs if there are lights on their receivers because “machine” and “on” was just a bit too much for your typical ESP. That still wasn’t foolproof, as they wouldn’t just get pissed off and confused, but also would just say “yes” without fucking doing anything.
Now I ask them what color the lights are on the receiver to not only avoid pissing them off, but also to make them get off their fat asses and actually look. When they say, “None” that means it’s off. When they say, “What lights?” that means they’re lost and staring at the back of the fucking microwave. When they say, “You mean them blinky thingies?” that means there’s no hope in Hell of troubleshooting so I just need to send a tech.
Even though I find my sneaky method of finding out just how dumb people are in not being able to press power, there still is some pushback.
Customer: “I keep telling you the thing is on! Are you trying to ask me if I turned the damn receiver on?”
Winston: “Ma’am, if you could just look at the front of the receiver box and tell me what colored lights are lit up, that will give me a better idea of the state of your receiver box.”
One of my pet peeves in life is people with egos. Now this is a pet peeve in real life, beyond the confines of Hell on Earth (aka the Telescreen call center). Now these egotistical people like to flaunt their “status” in order to feel better about themselves. They need to put other people down to prove they’re “better” than them. This of course includes call center employees. Sure they may be more successful, make more money, and definitely have a better job than me, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t fucking stupid.
Winston: “Sir, I’m looking right here at your bill. All of the charges have been added up correctly. I even double checked with a calculator while I had you on hold, and everything adds up to $113.”
Customer: “No, you’re wrong. Your system is wrong. Hell, your calculator is wrong.”
Winston: “I can go through each charge again if you want, feel free to add them with me.”
I figured I’d teach him how to use a calculator and avoid this issue in the future.
Customer: “No, I don’t need you to teach me how to add, pal. Do you know who I am?”
An extremely stupid person doesn’t listen too well. It’s like stupidity blocks a portion of their hearing or something. This is nothing new, because most ESP’s get all worked up over some dumb shit that can easily be solved. The problem lies in the fact that they don’t understand rationale, mainly because they aren’t listening to any solutions. Come to think of it, they don’t understand much of anything at all, because they’re fucking stupid.
There was one guy who was particularly stupid deaf. I like that term, “stupid deaf,” has a nice ring to it. Anyway, his story isn’t particularly stupid, nor is it particularly hilarious. Yet for some reason, it’s been spread around the call center, and fellow employees as well as supervisors enjoy asking me about it. If they only knew how to Google “Extremely Stupid People,” they would have way more than one ESP story!
Customer: “So why don’t you tell me about this here rebate y’all sent me.”
Winston: “So you purchased the receiver box at full price, this is the $100 off the salesman told you about when you purchased your service a couple of months ago.”
Customer: “Yeah, but where the Hell’s my money? Y’all gave me this dumb card.”
Winston: “Correct, the money is on there. It’s a prepaid debit card with $100. It will spend just like cash.”
Customer: “Um, no, it won’t. Ain’t no way in Hell I’m opening up a card in my name. I’m watching my credit score.”
I’ve noticed that I help ESP customers with more than just their TV service. I mean, I help them with life in general. ESP’s need a little more assistance with pretty much everything. Like walking ten feet, eating a bowl of Wheaties, or simply using a credit card.
Winston: “I’m sorry sir, but the credit card is still saying ‘declined’ in our system.”
Customer: “Well Hell, it’s brand spankin’ new, I have no idea why it won’t work.”
Winston: “Have you used it yet?”
Customer: “Well, no. I told ya, it’s brand new.”
Winston: “That might be the problem.”
Customer: “What, do I have to do something with a new card?”
Winston: “Yes, you have to activate it.”
Customer: “Activate it? I have to activate a credit card? How in Hell’s name do I do that?”
I won’t go into detail on how to activate a card, gentle reader. I know you’re intelligent and can figure out that the giant sticker on the card saying “Call to Activate” isn’t there for decoration.
As intelligent as loyal ESP readers are, there are always a few stupid people that slip through the cracks and land on the blog. The dumbasses have to get to ESP somehow, and this is how they’re doing it:
“Im Extermly Stoopid Rigth Now”
That’s for damn sure. Now what’s the goal of that search?
“Stupid Business Casual Hobo”
What? Are you saying business casual is stupid or inquiring how a hobo would dress in a corporate environment?
“Call Center Agents Are Assholes”
Only if they create blogs retelling stories about their interactions with stupid fucking customers.
“Stupid People And Computers”
Yeah, they don’t mix very well. Please see every post on the blog as proof.
Wow, these searches just keep rolling on in! I have more searches than brain cells left in my noggin after spending a couple of years chatting with ESP’s. Let’s get cooking with the stupidest of stupid searches before I lose the few braincells I have left.
“Rednecks From Mississippi Are So Dumb”
Yeah, no shit. Did you really need to search the Internet for confirmation? A pet rock could have told you that.
“I’m A Master of the Custodial Arts”
No, you’re a fucking janitor. I am not a master of the intelligent arts; I work in a fucking call center and am forced to interact with idiots all day. Let’s quit sugarcoating it, okay?
Just to help you get in the Christmas spirit, here’s a quick little story from one of my coworkers. He claimed this customer is the dumbest person he’d spoken to during his tenure at Telescreen. That’s saying a lot (please review every previous post of this blog as a reference).
Worker: “I’m not showing you’re getting signal to your TV.”
Customer: “That’s what I keep telling you, my dish got knocked over a few nights ago!”
Worker: “Was there some sort of inclement weather?”
Customer: “No, it was Christmas night. The damn thing got knocked over then.”
Customer: “I saw the damn thing happen. A reindeer knocked my satellite dish over!”
Worker: “Excuse me?”
Customer: “I ain’t crazy, I’m telling you one of those damn reindeer knocked it right off of it’s mount. I’m going to need a technician out here asap.”