What’s Your Address?

Seems simple enough.

When you’re an ESP, the simplest things in life just so happen to be the most complicated.

Winston: “May I have your address please?”

Customer: “Arizona.”

Winston: “Okay, um, where in Arizona?”

Customer: “What you mean?”

Winston: “I mean, what is your full address?”

Customer: “Oh, Hell, I don’t know. You need it or something?”

Winston: “Um, yes, if you want me to send you a new receiver, I need to know where to send it.”

Customer: “Send it to Arizona.”

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I Know My Own Phone Number

Now there’s a phone number I don’t want to call.

One of the many problems with ESP’s is that they’re so fucking sure of themselves no matter how dumb they are. For some reason they always think they’re right and simply can’t be reasoned with. That’s why unfortunately you sometimes have to humor them and stoop down to their level.

Customer: “Could you do me a favor and call me back at a different number? It’s 555-5555.”

Winson: “Um, actually it looks like we’re talking on that number right now. Do you have another number you’d like me to call?”

Customer: “No, we’re not talking on that number.”

Winston: “Well, I see it right here on my phone. 555-5555.”

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Is The Machine On?

Go ahead and press that red button before calling tech support.

Anyone who’s ever worked in tech support knows the first thing you have to ask is always, “Is the machine on?” The funny thing is, ESPs kind of know this by now, and in most cases, they get pretty pissed off and confused when you ask them. To make things go a little smoother, I started asking ESPs if there are lights on their receivers because “machine” and “on” was just a bit too much for your typical ESP. That still wasn’t foolproof, as they wouldn’t just get pissed off and confused, but also would just say “yes” without fucking doing anything.

Now I ask them what color the lights are on the receiver to not only avoid pissing them off, but also to make them get off their fat asses and actually look. When they say, “None” that means it’s off. When they say, “What lights?” that means they’re lost and staring at the back of the fucking microwave. When they say, “You mean them blinky thingies?” that means there’s no hope in Hell of troubleshooting so I just need to send a tech.

Even though I find my sneaky method of finding out just how dumb people are in not being able to press power, there still is some pushback. 

Customer: “I keep telling you the thing is on! Are you trying to ask me if I turned the damn receiver on?”

Winston: “Ma’am, if you could just look at the front of the receiver box and tell me what colored lights are lit up, that will give me a better idea of the state of your receiver box.”

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The ESP Name Game

Related to Mr. Pee Pee Pants.

Even though ESP’s are so fucking dumb and almost always wrong, they’re just so damn sure of themselves.

Customer: “I was just talking to Amanda and we got disconnected. I need you to transfer me right away.”

Winston: “I’m sorry, but no Amanda works in our office.”

Customer: “I know who I talked to. I was just on the phone with her, now connect me back!”

Winston: “I can definitely check our employee list, but I’m almost positive no one of that name works here.”

Sure enough, after a little check, no Amanda existed among the poor assholes working in Super Department.

Winston: “Are you sure it was this department? Could it be another name?”

Again, ESP’s are never wrong. Yet always wrong.

Customer: “Damnit, connect me right now, I’m tired of waiting around! Just go over to her desk, it’s not that hard!”

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PHD: Pathetically Hopeless Dumbass

She’s guilty.

One of my pet peeves in life is people with egos. Now this is a pet peeve in real life, beyond the confines of Hell on Earth (aka the Telescreen call center). Now these egotistical people like to flaunt their “status” in order to feel better about themselves. They need to put other people down to prove they’re “better” than them. This of course includes call center employees. Sure they may be more successful, make more money, and definitely have a better job than me, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t fucking stupid.

Winston: “Sir, I’m looking right here at your bill. All of the charges have been added up correctly. I even double checked with a calculator while I had you on hold, and everything adds up to $113.”

Customer: “No, you’re wrong. Your system is wrong. Hell, your calculator is wrong.”

Winston: “I can go through each charge again if you want, feel free to add them with me.”

I figured I’d teach him how to use a calculator and avoid this issue in the future.

Customer: “No, I don’t need you to teach me how to add, pal. Do you know who I am?”

Oh shit, not this spiel again.

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The Infamous Credit Score Guy

I think the politically correct term is “disabled.”

An extremely stupid person doesn’t listen too well. It’s like stupidity blocks a portion of their hearing or something. This is nothing new, because most ESP’s get all worked up over some dumb shit that can easily be solved. The problem lies in the fact that they don’t understand rationale, mainly because they aren’t listening to any solutions. Come to think of it, they don’t understand much of anything at all, because they’re fucking stupid.

There was one guy who was particularly stupid deaf. I like that term, “stupid deaf,” has a nice ring to it. Anyway, his story isn’t particularly stupid, nor is it particularly hilarious. Yet for some reason, it’s been spread around the call center, and fellow employees as well as supervisors enjoy asking me about it. If they only knew how to Google “Extremely Stupid People,” they would have way more than one ESP story!

Customer: “So why don’t you tell me about this here rebate y’all sent me.”

Winston: “So you purchased the receiver box at full price, this is the $100 off the salesman told you about when you purchased your service a couple of months ago.”

Customer: “Yeah, but where the Hell’s my money? Y’all gave me this dumb card.”

Winston: “Correct, the money is on there. It’s a prepaid debit card with $100. It will spend just like cash.”

Customer: “Um, no, it won’t. Ain’t no way in Hell I’m opening up a card in my name. I’m watching my credit score.”

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Credit Cards 101

“I don’t care if you have a credit card, I’m not selling you 100 pounds of dog food.”

I’ve noticed that I help ESP customers with more than just their TV service. I mean, I help them with life in general. ESP’s need a little more assistance with pretty much everything. Like walking ten feet, eating a bowl of Wheaties, or simply using a credit card.

Winston: “I’m sorry sir, but the credit card is still saying ‘declined’ in our system.”

Customer: “Well Hell, it’s brand spankin’ new, I have no idea why it won’t work.”

Winston: “Have you used it yet?”

Customer: “Well, no. I told ya, it’s brand new.”

Winston: “That might be the problem.”

Customer: “What, do I have to do something with a new card?”

Winston: “Yes, you have to activate it.”

Customer: “Activate it? I have to activate a credit card? How in Hell’s name do I do that?”

I won’t go into detail on how to activate a card, gentle reader. I know you’re intelligent and can figure out that the giant sticker on the card saying “Call to Activate” isn’t there for decoration.