The Mysteries of the Remote Control

“Where’s the call button on this damn cell phone?”

I’m sure you’ve gathered by now that elderly folks and technology don’t mix very well. A large portion of my tech calls are simply telling them to press the TV button on the remote. These should be easy calls, but getting to that button pushing moment usually takes about ten minutes. To the clueless and elderly ESP’s, the remote is some sort of mysterious device that should be feared. And you know when ESP’s get confused (all the fucking time), they get pissed…at me.

One of my biggest problems with angry old assholes and the remote is the lack of pressing the select button. Yeah, actually selecting an option instead of staring at the screen waiting for something to happen. This is especially frustrating when you’re troubleshooting, because you assume they’re following along with you, but they’re miles behind. If you say go to the TV menu, you would think that means pressing the menu button or selecting the menu option, right? No, apparently it’s a real fucking toughie. I’ve had a lot of confusion over this one over the years, but one was pretty bad. Old Dumbass could not unravel the mysteries of the remote for the life of him.

Winston: “Go ahead and push the menu button.”

Customer: “What?”

Winston: “The menu button.”

Customer: “Where?”

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The Redneck Bilinguals

It’s important to be bilingual in Jive too.

I think it’s been pretty firmly established by now that Rednecks encompass a large portion of the Telescreen customer base. Hey, they cater to the “rural individuals,” and the agents get to reap the, um, rewards.

The customers aren’t the only “rural individuals” we get to deal with in Super Department. A few of the call centers are down in Texas and South Carolina. We talk to a ton of agents hailing from The South or Texas (since Texas is kind of a country unto itself). Because they’re usually pretty tolerable, I like to leave my fellow agents alone on the blog. They’re suffering just like me and don’t usually deserve to be ridiculed. Sure I have a whole category called “Perplexed Employees,” but for the most part, agents are a far cry from most of the raging lunatics we talk to. So I go by the mantra to just let a Redneck be. Kind of like when you see a rattlesnake in the woods. It won’t bite you as long as you leave it the fuck alone. So when I drive past a trailer park, I let the residents be, instead of pulling in and yelling, “Ronald Reagan is a piece of shit!”

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One Call…To The F-B-I

“Put down the Froot Loops asshole!”

As you can probably imagine, gentle reader, customers rarely take no for an answer. If there is nothing else ol’ Winston can do for them, they throw in the “or else” threats. Most of the time, they will threaten to call a lawyer, the Better Business Bureau, the Attorney General, etc. Yet sometimes, they’ll go to even more extreme measures.

Winston: “I’m sorry sir, but I simply can’t reverse the charge. If you received the services, we must charge you for them.”

Customer: “Are you sure you wanna do this, pal?”

Winston: “Like I said, I wish there was more…”

Customer: “No, no, no. Lookee here. You’s in trouble now, ya’ hear? All I have to do is make one phone call.”

Winston: “Well…”

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