I Ain’t Got No Address

Now that’s a “rural” mailbox.

Telescreen has a term for Rednecks. They’re called, “Rural Customers.” That’s a nice politically correct term, but also turns out to be rather accurate.

Winston: “Alright sir, I’ve got your new receiver box ready to be shipped, but I can’t verify your service address. What is your address?”

Customer: “Well I ain’t got one, I just live right out here past the highway in the great state of Oklahoma.”

Winston: “So, you don’t have an address?”

Customer: “No, I ain’t got no address.”

Winston: “How did service get setup there in the first place then?”

Customer: “Ah shoot, I dunno. Some local fella came out and got it going for me.”

Winston: “Do you get mail there?”

Customer: “Hell no, nearest person’s a good ten miles away. I ain’t even get no darn phone out here. That’s why I got to be way outside on my flip phone talkin’ to ya.”

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The Bible Belt

“Where do I go for my free fill up? This is a gas station, right?”

Gentle reader, the holiday season is upon us. I know you’re supposed to say “happy holidays,” but everyone knows that the big deal around this time of year is the birthday celebration of Jesus. Now I’m not a religious man myself, but I must say, many of the Telescreen customers come right out of The Bible Belt. They really love Jesus, and I’m sure they are getting all worked up over the big birthday bash this year. So in honor of His (you’re supposed to capitalize it because Jesus is that big of a deal) birthday, let’s look at some of the lovely sayings those folks in The Bible Belt have used in their efforts to make me a good Christian. If I go to church on Sunday, will it spare me from daily contact with ESP’s? If so, consider me a devout Christian from this day forward.

Customer: “Thank you so much, and remember, Jesus loves you!”

Does that mean He loves Angry Assholes and Dirty Rednecks too? Because He really needs to be more exclusive.

Customer: “I’ll write your number down in my bible, that way I won’t lose it.”

Are you kidding? That’s one big fucking book, the number is officially lost already.

Customer 1: “Ask him if he’s been saved!”

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The Liar

You really have to appreciate an honest person these days.

The chances I believe a sob story from some Angry Asshole or any other ESP is about 5%. When I first started at Telescreen, I was young, naive, and ready to solve problems. You just lost your house? Of course I’ll cancel your account. You paid your bill even though we don’t show it was received? No problem, I’ll credit everything myself.

Then what happened was I wised up. Management was on my ass for breaking protocol. The customers were saying things that just didn’t add up. They didn’t want a solution, they just wanted to tell a dumb fucking story to get their way. So I realized I was going to call a bullshitter a bullshitter and wouldn’t believe a damn thing. That whole process happened in about an hour by the way.

Since I know 95% of the ESP customers are lying about something, I really enjoy calling them out on their lies. They claim they made a payment, so we call their bank and confirm they didn’t. They claim they sent back their receiver box, but we track it on the postal service website and see it hasn’t been sent. It’s a nice way of calling “bullshit” without actually saying “bullshit,” which is frowned upon in a call center.

One customer wasn’t just a bullshitter, she was a liar. Like a pathological liar. I don’t think she could’ve told the fucking truth if she tried. So I had no choice but to call “bullshit” every five fucking seconds. I’d say it was great to be right, but when dealing with an ESP, you’re always right. Unfortunately, the more wrong they are, the more pissed off they get.

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The Infamous Credit Score Guy

I think the politically correct term is “disabled.”

An extremely stupid person doesn’t listen too well. It’s like stupidity blocks a portion of their hearing or something. This is nothing new, because most ESP’s get all worked up over some dumb shit that can easily be solved. The problem lies in the fact that they don’t understand rationale, mainly because they aren’t listening to any solutions. Come to think of it, they don’t understand much of anything at all, because they’re fucking stupid.

There was one guy who was particularly stupid deaf. I like that term, “stupid deaf,” has a nice ring to it. Anyway, his story isn’t particularly stupid, nor is it particularly hilarious. Yet for some reason, it’s been spread around the call center, and fellow employees as well as supervisors enjoy asking me about it. If they only knew how to Google “Extremely Stupid People,” they would have way more than one ESP story!

Customer: “So why don’t you tell me about this here rebate y’all sent me.”

Winston: “So you purchased the receiver box at full price, this is the $100 off the salesman told you about when you purchased your service a couple of months ago.”

Customer: “Yeah, but where the Hell’s my money? Y’all gave me this dumb card.”

Winston: “Correct, the money is on there. It’s a prepaid debit card with $100. It will spend just like cash.”

Customer: “Um, no, it won’t. Ain’t no way in Hell I’m opening up a card in my name. I’m watching my credit score.”

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Is There Some Kinda Payment Plan?

Words alone can’t even begin to explain what’s wrong with this man.

Because Telescreen caters to the “rural” individuals, the channels they provide are Redneck by nature. You can’t miss shows featuring country music, truck driving, Conservative politics, fishing, guns, Nascar, and all that other worthless stupid shit Rednecks love. Side-note: Why in fucks name do they love Nascar? I mean, it’s just a bunch of assholes driving in circles. What the fuck?

Anyway, Telescreen released a new package called “The Heart of America” package for those individuals in the American Heartland or some shit like that. Translation: all of your Redneck channels in one convenient location. It has the fishing channel, the stupid fucking car racing channel, the shitty country music channel, I mean, all the dumb shit. Because Rednecks are so poor, they made it available for the low price of $5 per month. You would think this would be Redneck’s dream, but no no, they still can’t quite handle it.

Winston: “If you’re wanting the fishing channel, I’d recommend The Heart of America package. It has tons of great stuff.”

You can see my salesman skills at work. By “great stuff” I mean stupid pointless shit that Rednecks love, like Glenn Beck.

Customer: “Now what else is gonna come with this ‘Merica package?”

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One Call…To The F-B-I

“Put down the Froot Loops asshole!”

As you can probably imagine, gentle reader, customers rarely take no for an answer. If there is nothing else ol’ Winston can do for them, they throw in the “or else” threats. Most of the time, they will threaten to call a lawyer, the Better Business Bureau, the Attorney General, etc. Yet sometimes, they’ll go to even more extreme measures.

Winston: “I’m sorry sir, but I simply can’t reverse the charge. If you received the services, we must charge you for them.”

Customer: “Are you sure you wanna do this, pal?”

Winston: “Like I said, I wish there was more…”

Customer: “No, no, no. Lookee here. You’s in trouble now, ya’ hear? All I have to do is make one phone call.”

Winston: “Well…”

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I’ve Only Got $10 To My Name

“Grab my wallet, it’s the one that says Bad Mother Fucker.”

Stupid People Say The Dumbest Fucking Things:

I’m fighting with some dumbass over his bill, mainly because he has every single channel, ever single package, tons of receivers, and the best equipment. I also see his address is in Alabama.

Winston: “Well sir, if the bill is too high, we could consider lowering your package.”

Customer: “No, I ain’t gonna do that. No way I’m losing any channels.”

Winston: “With the top package and all the add-ons, that’s the price you’re going to see each month.”

Customer: “What you think I am, rich?”

Again, I saw his address was in Alabama…

Customer: “When I signed up all this stuff was cheap.”

Winston: “The introductory rate was cheaper, but you kept all of the add-ons, and now you’re paying full price for everything.”

Customer: “Well that right there is some B.S! I ain’t paying nothing more. I want all these channels, but I want them for free because of all the hassle y’all have been causing me.”

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