Why Are You Here?

I ask myself that same question every time I walk into the call center.

Stupid People Say The Dumbest Fucking Things:

Winston: “Ma’am, please calm down.”

Customer: “Don’t fucking tell me to calm down!”

Winston: “Ma’am…”

Customer: “The installer told me he would solve this, and now just look at my bill!”

Winston: “Again, I can’t see those charges on your account; they don’t show up on our end.”

Customer: “I know! That’s why they told me not to call Telescreen.”

Winston: “You mean, the main line here?”

Customer: “Yeah, they said, ‘Don’t call Telescreen under any circumstances’ or they’ll mess up your account! Boy were they right.”

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Snakes, Scales, & The Devil

Well, they have pizza for lunch, so it must be safe…

Sometimes I get a call from someone, and all I can think is that the person must be a raging psycho. Like the fucking movie Psycho. Really. How thankful I am that people can’t murder me over the phone line. That is what I thought when I encountered a man we’ll call Norman Bates (the main character from Psycho, movie knowledge drop).

Winston: “Thanks for calling Telescreen, this is Winston, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Winston? Yeah, I was trying to get a hold of Jenny. Can you transfer me over to her?”

Winston: “Unfortunately it doesn’t look like she’s in today, but I can give you her direct extension if you’re ready for the number.”

Customer: “No that’s okay, can you just leave a message for her?”

Winston: “Not a problem, I’ll get an email right over to her.”

Customer: “Great. Could you please ask her why she’s so fucking stupid?”

I shit you not, verbatim, this fucking happened. A normal person would have been speechless, but to me, this was just another day. Little did I know what else lay ahead.

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Proper Credentials

“Hey bros, which way is the toga party?”

When a customer calls in, I assume they’re stupid. I know it’s not right to judge, but I’ve done the research. I’ve spoken to thousands upon thousands of extremely stupid dumb assholes, so by now, my assumptions can be treated as facts.

Some of these dipshits simply don’t want to admit they’re stupid. It’s the ones that refute their lack of intelligence the most that end up being, well, the stupidest. Usually they argue and accuse me of implying they’re stupid (which I do) or thinking they’re stupid (which I do).

Yet only one man was brave enough to provide me with the proper credentials to prove his intelligence:

Winston: “Well sir, I’ve looked at your bill and everything seems correct. I’m still showing you owe $75.68.”

Customer: “Let me ask you a question. Do you understand who you’re talking to right now?”

Winston: “Excuse me?”

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Sorry, I Wasn’t Listening

“No, I have the best beard in town!”

Stupid People Say The Dumbest Fucking Things:

Winston: “So if you want a refund, you’re going to have to send in a bank statement.”

Customer: No response.

Winston: “Um, you can do that by scanning a recent bill from your bank. Do you have a scanner?”

Customer: No response.

Winston: “Well if you don’t have a scanner, you can take a screen shot of your bill online. Do you know how to do that?”

Customer: No response.

Winston: “Hello, ma’am, are you still there?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m here. Sorry, I wasn’t listening, I was too annoyed.”

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I’ll Sue Your Pants Off

Gary thought the best marketing plan was intimidation. Brian thought the balding mullet look was a good idea. Both men were wrong.

In a recent effort to help my fellow man with some fine tips on how to manipulating customer service, I noticed there hasn’t been much crazy shit on ESP for awhile. I decided it was time to quit pussyfooting around and post a real ESP story. Ah, finally I can use my new favorite word: pussyfoot.

I’ve been threatened quite a bit during my tenure at Telescreen. Most of the threats are for physical violence or some sort of legal procedure. To put that in terms of stupid, dipshits say, “I’ll kick your ass,” or “I’ll sue your ass.”

Some crazy old bitch called in, all pissed off about something I didn’t give a fuck about, per the norm. Maybe she forgot to pay her bill. Maybe she couldn’t figure out how to turn on the TV. Maybe she was fucking stupid. That’s the one.

She began yelling and complaining because she couldn’t get what she wanted, and then came the threat, “I’ll sue you Winston! I’ll sue your pants off!”

Now that was an interesting threat. Extra points for creativity on that one. I’m pretty sure that was the only time someone threatened to de-pants me with the legal system. Allow me to analyze the clever threat:

One day, I’ll walk into the shithole known as Telescreen Inc, and as I make my way to my desk, my pants will fly the fuck off. Then, a lawyer will bust through a random door and run over to me. Not a real lawyer, but one of those fake strip mall lawyers. You know, the ones that have really annoying commercials with stupid tag-lines or gigantic billboards highlighting their ugly ass faces.

The balding lawyer will then yell, “I’m gonna sue you for all you’ve got you son-of-a-bitch! Haha!” All the while, I’m without pants, because they already flew off into oblivion.

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So You’re A Big Tough Guy, Huh?

Instead of stealing milk money, this tough guy steals homework and has it done by 8am.

There’s so much fucking testosterone on the other end of the phone during some of my conversations it’s ridiculous. All these guys like to throw around threats that promise physical harm to the call center employees. Here’s a prime example of what I’m talking about:

Winston: “Calm down sir. What exactly happened with the other agent?”

Customer: “He hung up on me! He said he was a damn supervisor, and I tried to tell him what was going on, and he just hung up the phone!”

Winston: “I apologize for that sir, that’s definitely not the type of behavior we want to see with our supervisors.”

Customer: “That son-of-a-bitch! I knew he was messing with me. I bet he wouldn’t have pulled that move if we were talking face to face. I would have showed him, god damnit! I want to talk to him again, get him on the line.”

Winston: “I can’t do that sir, but I’m happy to see what I can do to get your issue fixed.”

Customer: “That punk better hope he doesn’t come across me again, or I’ll head over there and kick his ass!”

So you’re a big tough guy, huh? I beg to differ:

A: You’re not tough, big, or strong. In fact, you are actually a fat ass. Fashion Tip: The wife-beater you’re wearing doesn’t flatter your flabby arms, tubby. Time for a physical workout instead of the verbal workout you give everyone by yelling and complaining. Jog for two minutes and we’ll see how well you can yell and complain. “Fu-huff huff-ck Y-huff-ou!”

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I’m Gonna Stick It Where The Sun Don’t Shine!

Now that I’m in Super Department, I don’t get the same tech support questions I used to on the “frontline.” Funny how the tier of our employees has the same nomenclature as a battlefield, isn’t it? Tech support is obviously so goddamn frustrating because people really are pathetically idiotic, but it does make for some […]

She’s Just A Receptionist

"This next song is about picking out back-to-school clothes with your Mom. It's called 'Parents Just Don't Understand.'"

Whoa! Things sure look different around ESP. We’re now fresher than Will Smith himself (but not fresher than Jazzy Jeff.) What do you think about the new theme? Futuristic! How about the new logo with George W. Bush himself, officially the most famous ESP ever? Political! How about the new web address, espblog.com? Efficient! Or maybe extremelystupidpeople.com was already registered. Assholes!

Stupid People Say The Dumbest Fucking Things:

Some psycho gets transferred to me because she’s threatening to contact the Better Business Bureau. This happens daily. Why the fuck should I care if someone files a complaint with the BBB? Am I supposed to get fucking scared or something? All that happens is the BBB contacts Telescreen, then a team of unlucky agents a few cubes down from me gives the angry assholes whatever they want. So I don’t give a shit, these dumbasses can file all the complaints they want. Except this broad meant business. It’s not what you know, but who you know…

Winston: “I’m very sorry ma’am, but I simply can’t credit the early termination fee.”

Customer: “Oh yeah? Well you’re gonna be sorry mister. I’m going straight to the BBB; I have a friend there. That’s right, I know someone at the BBB. She’s just a receptionist, but she still works there!”

Wow. You know the receptionist. Let me give you a little round of applause. I’m sure she’ll direct your call accordingly. Next time, get some better threats. Maybe, “I know a cop, he’s just on the parking lot inspection unit, but he’ll mace the shit out of you!” Or maybe, “I know a lawyer, his office is just in a strip mall, but he’ll sue the shit out of you!” Amateur. 

Proper Phone Etiquette

During my unfortunate tenure at Telescreen, I have been introduced to many forms of proper phone etiquette. I thought I knew how to answer the phone properly with a simple, “Hello.” Apparently there are many more creative ways to greet someone on the phone. Here are some examples: Winston: “Thanks for calling Telescreen, my name […]