Talking to one ESP is bad enough. If you throw another ESP into the mix, you’ve got a fucking problem. As was the case when I was talking to some dumbass about sending a tech out to his house. The only caveat was that his wife was in the fucking background telling him what to say. Apparently he couldn’t think for himself. Or maybe his wife didn’t allow him to think.
Winston: “I’m happy to get someone out there to look at the issue, but I’m not able to waive the fee.”
Yelling Wife: “Ask him how much it’s gonna cost!”
Customer: “Yeah, how much is this gonna cost?”
Winston: “It will cost 50 dollars to send a technician out to your home.”
Customer: “He said fifty bucks.”
Yelling Wife: “Tell him to go to Hell!”
Customer: “Yeah, that’s not gonna work mister.”
Apparently he wasn’t very good at translating. He was supposed to tell me to go to Hell.
Yelling Wife: “Damnit, give me the phone! I want to give this son-of-a-bitch a piece of my mind.”
Well I guess we know who wears the pants in that household. Obviously she made him call Telescreen, but didn’t think he was doing a good enough job, so she took over. Lucky me.
Some ESP’s are in such extreme denial that they refuse to accept the truth. This happens quite a bit. For example, their bill says they owe 75 bucks. They think their bill should be free for some fucking reason. I explain why their bill is in fact 75 bucks, then they lose their shit. They yell, hang up, get their service disconnected, get sent to collections, and lose their shit again like two years later. I think the idea is that if they hang up, their bill magically goes away. Telescreen loves money too much to let that happen.
Other ESP’s like to jump on the denial train immediately. One in particular was quite skilled at blocking what he didn’t want to hear. He explained that he cancelled the service because it was a piece of shit. Understandable, Telescreen service is in fact really shitty. But then I had to explain a little issue with that. I kind of had to break some bad news. Since there’s a charge for breaking a contract, and Telescreen sure as shit doesn’t let us waive it, this psycho had 200 big ones on his bill. I started breaking the news slowly, but he was ready.
I hear a lot of sob stories, many bullshit stories, and weird third-person stories. I don’t like to hear ESP stories, I just like to retell them. One ESP decided calling customer service was fucking story time. And let me tell you, his story was a piece of shit.
Winston: “Thank you for calling Telescreen Super Department, this is Winston, how may I help you?”
Customer: “Alright listen, I won’t tear your head off too. I’ve been doing that to everyone else. I’ll just tell you a story.”
Actually tearing my head off sounds better than fucking story time.
Customer: “Once upon a time, there was a Telescreen customer named Shithead McGee.”
Of course he used his real name, but Shithead McGee sounds better. Also, who begins a story with once upon a time? This isn’t fairytale land, this is fucking customer service.
Customer: “This customer ordered his services, paid his money, and then some, pardon me, fucking idiot installed the service. I’ve been having problems ever since and have never gotten them fixed.”
Wait, we’re switching from third person back to first person? What kind of shitty story is this?
Customer: “Can I be frank? The install was a fucking abortion. Fucking. Abortion.”
Some people are just such raging assholes it’s ridiculous. They call up customer service and bully the reps into giving them what they want, all while verbally attacking and putting down the people that are helping them. I at least have the satisfaction of knowing that when they call me, I could give a fuck about their general existence on this earth, let alone their stupid fucking TV problems.
A call came in and must have been a cell phone, because it broke up a bit. I thought it sounded like some sort of salutation, but I wasn’t completely sure.
Winston: “I’m good, how are you?”
Customer: “What? I didn’t ask how you were. I asked if you have my account in front of you. Is that too much for you to handle?”
Winston: “I have your account here, what can I help you with?”
Customer: “Well then why don’t you look over my account and figure it out yourself?”
Apparently bitching is easy, but explaining is far too difficult.
Winston: “Well I see you’re trying to order a replacement remote.”
Customer: “No, I ordered a remote five times and five of you idiots failed. If they were working for me, they would all be fired. You are in a position of authority and you need to get this done NOW!”
A lot of times, Angry Assholes just call in to complain. It seems like they aren’t actually calling to solve an issue, they just want to bitch someone out to make themselves feel better. They like to make a point to the call-center workers that they aren’t happy, which usually comes across loud and clear when they’re screaming “fuck you.”
One woman could not be appeased no matter what I did. She just wanted to be an asshole. Boy did she succeed.
Customer: “You better cancel my account or I’m calling the BBB!”
Winston: “Again, ma’am, I cannot cancel your account because we have a contract on file. Why don’t you tell me why you want to cancel and maybe we can figure out how to make the service better.”
Customer: “I’m not satisfied.”
Customer: “Um…the signal.”
I put her on hold and surprisingly was able to get a tech out that same day and waive the charge.
Winston: “Well…it looks like I can get a tech to your home by this afternoon and I am able to waive the charge.”