The Deaf Conversation

Quietest. Service. EVER.

Most of the time ESP’s get pissed off at me simply because they’re fucking stupid. Yet sometimes they get pissed off at me because they’re deaf.

Customer: “Hello? Who is this? Hello?”

Winston: “Yes, this is Winston, how may I help you?”

Customer: “What? Jesus, speak up!”

So I figured, might as well start yelling. I get yelled at all day, why not give it a shot?

Winston: “Yes, this is Winston! How may I help you?”

Customer: “What? Seriously speak up!”

This continued for awhile. I’d yell, then she’d get mad and yell back. Note, that had never happened before. I don’t yell at people. Only ESP’s yell at strangers on the phone. Fact.

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The ESP Name Game

Related to Mr. Pee Pee Pants.

Even though ESP’s are so fucking dumb and almost always wrong, they’re just so damn sure of themselves.

Customer: “I was just talking to Amanda and we got disconnected. I need you to transfer me right away.”

Winston: “I’m sorry, but no Amanda works in our office.”

Customer: “I know who I talked to. I was just on the phone with her, now connect me back!”

Winston: “I can definitely check our employee list, but I’m almost positive no one of that name works here.”

Sure enough, after a little check, no Amanda existed among the poor assholes working in Super Department.

Winston: “Are you sure it was this department? Could it be another name?”

Again, ESP’s are never wrong. Yet always wrong.

Customer: “Damnit, connect me right now, I’m tired of waiting around! Just go over to her desk, it’s not that hard!”

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Tell Him To Go To Hell

Yelling into the phone is just as bad as stealing a payphone.

Talking to one ESP is bad enough. If you throw another ESP into the mix, you’ve got a fucking problem. As was the case when I was talking to some dumbass about sending a tech out to his house. The only caveat was that his wife was in the fucking background telling him what to say. Apparently he couldn’t think for himself. Or maybe his wife didn’t allow him to think.

Winston: “I’m happy to get someone out there to look at the issue, but I’m not able to waive the fee.”

Yelling Wife: “Ask him how much it’s gonna cost!”

Customer: “Yeah, how much is this gonna cost?”

Winston: “It will cost 50 dollars to send a technician out to your home.”

Customer: “He said fifty bucks.”

Yelling Wife: “Tell him to go to Hell!”

Customer: “Yeah, that’s not gonna work mister.”

Apparently he wasn’t very good at translating. He was supposed to tell me to go to Hell.

Yelling Wife: “Damnit, give me the phone! I want to give this son-of-a-bitch a piece of my mind.”

Well I guess we know who wears the pants in that household. Obviously she made him call Telescreen, but didn’t think he was doing a good enough job, so she took over. Lucky me.

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No! No! No!

You definitely don’t want to fuck with this mall cop.

Some ESP’s are in such extreme denial that they refuse to accept the truth. This happens quite a bit. For example, their bill says they owe 75 bucks. They think their bill should be free for some fucking reason. I explain why their bill is in fact 75 bucks, then they lose their shit. They yell, hang up, get their service disconnected, get sent to collections, and lose their shit again like two years later. I think the idea is that if they hang up, their bill magically goes away. Telescreen loves money too much to let that happen.

Other ESP’s like to jump on the denial train immediately. One in particular was quite skilled at blocking what he didn’t want to hear. He explained that he cancelled the service because it was a piece of shit. Understandable, Telescreen service is in fact really shitty. But then I had to explain a little issue with that. I kind of had to break some bad news. Since there’s a charge for breaking a contract, and Telescreen sure as shit doesn’t let us waive it, this psycho had 200 big ones on his bill. I started breaking the news slowly, but he was ready.

Winston: “Well…”

Customer: “No!”

Winston: “Um…”

Customer: “No!”

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ESP Story Time

You need to know how to read to lead story time though.

I hear a lot of sob stories, many bullshit stories, and weird third-person stories. I don’t like to hear ESP stories, I just like to retell them. One ESP decided calling customer service was fucking story time. And let me tell you, his story was a piece of shit.

Winston: “Thank you for calling Telescreen Super Department, this is Winston, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Alright listen, I won’t tear your head off too. I’ve been doing that to everyone else. I’ll just tell you a story.”

Actually tearing my head off sounds better than fucking story time.

Customer: “Once upon a time, there was a Telescreen customer named Shithead McGee.”

Of course he used his real name, but Shithead McGee sounds better. Also, who begins a story with once upon a time? This isn’t fairytale land, this is fucking customer service.

Customer: “This customer ordered his services, paid his money, and then some, pardon me, fucking idiot installed the service. I’ve been having problems ever since and have never gotten them fixed.”

Wait, we’re switching from third person back to first person? What kind of shitty story is this?

Customer: “Can I be frank? The install was a fucking abortion. Fucking. Abortion.”

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The Remote Douche

 

Why yes that man in the tank is playing an anvil in front of a full orchestra.

Some people are just such raging assholes it’s ridiculous. They call up customer service and bully the reps into giving them what they want, all while verbally attacking and putting down the people that are helping them. I at least have the satisfaction of knowing that when they call me, I could give a fuck about their general existence on this earth, let alone their stupid fucking TV problems.

A call came in and must have been a cell phone, because it broke up a bit. I thought it sounded like some sort of salutation, but I wasn’t completely sure.

Winston: “I’m good, how are you?”

Customer: “What? I didn’t ask how you were. I asked if you have my account in front of you. Is that too much for you to handle?”

Winston: “I have your account here, what can I help you with?”

Customer: “Well then why don’t you look over my account and figure it out yourself?”

Apparently bitching is easy, but explaining is far too difficult.

Winston: “Well I see you’re trying to order a replacement remote.”

Customer: “No, I ordered a remote five times and five of you idiots failed. If they were working for me, they would all be fired. You are in a position of authority and you need to get this done NOW!”

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I’m Still Not Satisfied

So I can report the thousands of Angry Assholes I talked to, right?
So now I can report the thousands of Angry Assholes I’ve talked to, right?

A lot of times, Angry Assholes just call in to complain. It seems like they aren’t actually calling to solve an issue, they just want to bitch someone out to make themselves feel better. They like to make a point to the call-center workers that they aren’t happy, which usually comes across loud and clear when they’re screaming “fuck you.”

One woman could not be appeased no matter what I did. She just wanted to be an asshole. Boy did she succeed.

Customer: “You better cancel my account or I’m calling the BBB!”

Winston: “Again, ma’am, I cannot cancel your account because we have a contract on file. Why don’t you tell me why you want to cancel and maybe we can figure out how to make the service better.”

Customer: “I’m not satisfied.”

Winston: “With?”

Customer: “Um…the signal.”

I put her on hold and surprisingly was able to get a tech out that same day and waive the charge.

Winston: “Well…it looks like I can get a tech to your home by this afternoon and I am able to waive the charge.”

Customer: “I’m still not satisfied.”

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Guilty By Association

Yes, that is in fact an OJ is not guilty pog.

There’s no denying Telescreen is an evil company. So very, very evil.

Big Brother, the dickweed that runs the place is one of the richest men in the US and treats his business like a totalitarian dictator. The company was founded on a set of principals where the upper echelon steps on others, manipulates employees, and will do anything in order to turn just the most miniscule of additional profit. I guess there’s a reason it keeps getting named the worst company to work for.

Surely, there are a lot of Telescreen customers that agree with that sentiment.

Customer: “Listen here pal, you may be a nice guy, I don’t know you. But you work for an asshole company and you know what? That makes you an asshole too. Good like with your life, asshole.”

Click.

Touché. I guess I’m guilty by association.

The Big Spender

A history lesson while I buy a Slim Jim? Score.

Well hot damn gentle reader, we did it. We hit the century mark! 100 stories of stupidity. If you’ve been with me from the beginning, you know the impossible is possible. A normal person may believe in the intelligence of the human race. Yet we have 100 examples that there are some real fucking morons out there. Really dumb people. I’m talking about extremely stupid people here.

Now I’m not trying to be defeatist by any means, because quite a bit of good can come from 100 stories of stupid. Had a shitty day at work? Feel better by laughing at those with lesser intelligence. Did something dumb today? Boost your self-esteem by realizing you aren’t a dirty Redneck that can’t count past 2 (the number of Busch Lights ordered in a round at the bar).

I’ve got plenty more than a hundred stories, believe me. It seems like I can’t stay ahead of them. Everyday I go to the call center, really not wanting anyone to be so fucking ridiculous, but I’ll be damned, they just keep on coming. Endless stupidity.

So while we’re talking about numbers, allow me to enlighten you with a story about a man that got really fucking pissed over a really fucking small number.

Winston: “What do you mean you’ve been charged? Your service hasn’t even been setup yet.”

Customer: “I have my bank statement right here and I see a charge. I can send it to you, because I’m not blind!”

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The Liar

You really have to appreciate an honest person these days.

The chances I believe a sob story from some Angry Asshole or any other ESP is about 5%. When I first started at Telescreen, I was young, naive, and ready to solve problems. You just lost your house? Of course I’ll cancel your account. You paid your bill even though we don’t show it was received? No problem, I’ll credit everything myself.

Then what happened was I wised up. Management was on my ass for breaking protocol. The customers were saying things that just didn’t add up. They didn’t want a solution, they just wanted to tell a dumb fucking story to get their way. So I realized I was going to call a bullshitter a bullshitter and wouldn’t believe a damn thing. That whole process happened in about an hour by the way.

Since I know 95% of the ESP customers are lying about something, I really enjoy calling them out on their lies. They claim they made a payment, so we call their bank and confirm they didn’t. They claim they sent back their receiver box, but we track it on the postal service website and see it hasn’t been sent. It’s a nice way of calling “bullshit” without actually saying “bullshit,” which is frowned upon in a call center.

One customer wasn’t just a bullshitter, she was a liar. Like a pathological liar. I don’t think she could’ve told the fucking truth if she tried. So I had no choice but to call “bullshit” every five fucking seconds. I’d say it was great to be right, but when dealing with an ESP, you’re always right. Unfortunately, the more wrong they are, the more pissed off they get.

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