The Goodbyes

That’s one way to hang up the phone.

We’re required to sign off from each call in a specific, stupid fucking way. No “goodbye,” “have a good day,” or “go fuck yourself.” It always has to be, “Thank you for calling Telescreen, have a great day.” When Big Brother and company listen to our calls, they mark us down for that shit. That in turn drops our performance ranking and means we don’t get our measly, shitty bonus. But that’s a story for another day.

Needless to say, we’re always about dropping our sign-off even after the customer hangs up, no matter how irrational. Since we get hung up on so frequently, you’d think our dipshit outro wouldn’t be needed. Not the case. This is what a call like that sounds like when customers get pissed and hang up.

Customer: “Well screw you and your damn company, I’m not paying a dime!”

Click. Silence.

Winston: “Thank you so much for calling Telescreen, have a wonderful day!”

Now that’s how you do a call right, at least according to the creeps listening in on us. I mean, you’d think it would suck getting hung up on all day, but it’s the best thing ever. When an ESP is losing their shit, you’re tired of hearing their stupid fucking voice complain about the dumbest shit, and then they hang up. Amazing.

Even though the employees can’t be creative in their sign offs, the customers sure can. Here are some of my favorites:

Customer: “You’re making things very difficult!” Click.

No, you made things difficult when you called me. Never do it again. EVER.

Customer: “You’re just venomous!” Click.

Now that you mention it, dying from a snake bite would be a lot better then talking to you. Thanks for drawing that comparison.

Customer: “I find this deeply disturbing!” Click.

And a good day to you sir!

Customer: “You did an awesome job!” Click.

Um, thanks?

Customer: “You’re gonna go to jail for ID theft, mister!” Click.

Someone stole your worthless identity, ran up a bill, and I’m trying to help, so they’re sending me to the slammer? That makes no fucking sense at all.

And then the worst one of all:

Customer: “Well watch out, because now I have your number. I’m a call you all the time!”

Oh God. Please no.

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