I hear a lot of sob stories, many bullshit stories, and weird third-person stories. I don’t like to hear ESP stories, I just like to retell them. One ESP decided calling customer service was fucking story time. And let me tell you, his story was a piece of shit.
Winston: “Thank you for calling Telescreen Super Department, this is Winston, how may I help you?”
Customer: “Alright listen, I won’t tear your head off too. I’ve been doing that to everyone else. I’ll just tell you a story.”
Actually tearing my head off sounds better than fucking story time.
Customer: “Once upon a time, there was a Telescreen customer named Shithead McGee.”
Of course he used his real name, but Shithead McGee sounds better. Also, who begins a story with once upon a time? This isn’t fairytale land, this is fucking customer service.
Customer: “This customer ordered his services, paid his money, and then some, pardon me, fucking idiot installed the service. I’ve been having problems ever since and have never gotten them fixed.”
Wait, we’re switching from third person back to first person? What kind of shitty story is this?
Customer: “Can I be frank? The install was a fucking abortion. Fucking. Abortion.”
That is verbatim what the man said. Never before or since have I heard a shitty install referred to as an, um, abortion. You know that thing they get all worked up about in the woods of Arkansas? Yeah, that. But an install of TV service. Yeah, I don’t get it either.
Customer: “Now I’m an attorney at a mid-level firm here in East Coast Doucheville.”
Ah sorry big shot, I’d only be impressed if you were a partner. Nice try though. If I don’t see your ugly mug on a billboard or on late night TV ads, you’re no lawyer worth my time.
Customer: “I need my services for the last year credited or you’re getting sued. I’m not threatening you, but you’re going down. You hear me?”
I’m no attorney at a mid level firm in Doucheville, but I believe “You’re going down” is an implication of a threat.
Winston: “I understand your frustrations sir, I’ll get a tech out there as soon as possible and will definitely waive any charges. Because you’re a new customer with credits on your account, the most I can do on my end is get you $15 off per month for the rest of the year.”
Customer: “Are you kidding me? Is this a joke? I need you to do better than that.”
After offering the max that I’m allowed to credit, I waived his roughly $50 bill. I had enough fucking story time and needed to get this asshole off the phone. If he told me I’d need to do a better job again, I was prepared to tell him he needs to do a better job at life and quit being such a piece of shit.
Customer: “Fifty bucks? Fine, I’ll do that.” Click.
At least I learned something that day. Stories about ESPs are quite enjoyable. Stories from ESPs fucking suck.