How To Protect Yourself From Identity Theft

Always listen to a truck covered in American flag asses.

How To Manipulate The Customer Service System

What do we all want? To save money and get our way, duh. Fear not, gentle reader, I’ve got the inside scoop on the customer service system. In Super Department, I know the ins and outs of every facet of the call center. Scroll down to learn how to manipulate the customer service system and get anything you want.

This will be a continuing series that will first appear in posts, and then permanently be placed in a page called “How To Guide.” The customer service system can be manipulated as long as you know how to do it. I know all the secrets of Telescreen and I’m happy to spill them all…

How To Protect Yourself From Identity Theft

One of the things I deal with a lot in Super Department is identity theft. Anytime a customer even mentions it, the frontline reps are required to send them over to us. Which is a lot of fun, because most people are pissed off, generally at us. No Cletus, I didn’t steal your identity, I don’t want to be a dirty Redneck living in a fucking trailer outside of Hays, Kansas. Now that I think about it, identity theft really is serious, because the only thing worse than one dumbass Redneck is two!

We have a strict protocol when dealing with identity theft at Telescreen. We can’t tell the people anything about the account and have to refer them to the identity theft team. Seems easy enough, but people flip their shit. Hell, I’d be pissed too, but us reps get in hot ass water if we spill the beans. Damn, this identity theft business seems like some serious shit. Fortunately there are some solid ways to avoid having to talk to my uncaring self when someone sets up shitty Telescreen service in your name.

The definition of identity theft is when someone uses your personal information without your permission. Talk about a bullshit definition right there. Who the fuck would give permission to borrow their identity? “Don’t worry, I’ll give it back to you next week, I promise.” I mean, come on, this isn’t like borrowing a Con Air DVD or something.

The shittiest thing to have stolen is your social security number, because it’s the gateway to having more shit stolen. Keep that card in a safety deposit box, a safe, or at least hidden underneath your secret stash of Country albums.

There are a lot of companies out there cashing in on this identity theft problem. LifeLock wants you to freeze your SSN. Identity Guard wants to monitor your credit. That right there is all some bullshit, because you can get everything on lock down for the price of on the house. You just need to get to know the three major credit bureaus: Equifax, TransUnion, and Experian.

The first step is to monitor your credit yourself. You can request one report per year from all of the bureaus right here. So span that shit out evenly throughout the year, put it on the calendar, take five minutes, and give your credit report a gander three times a year. Everything look good? You still have that account from when you opened a credit card to get a free pizza in college? I still do. And that pizza was delicious.

Now if you’re noticing some weirdness, the next step is to put a fraud alert on your credit. All you have to do is call all three of the bureaus and that baby is on there for 90 days. Want it any longer, and you’ll need to provide proof that you were a victim of identity theft by sending in a bunch of paperwork. At that point, your alert will be on there for 7 years, and anyone who inquires about your credit will need to verify extra info about you. This is what I do in Super Department and you’d be amazed at how many people couldn’t tell you their last address or even the city they currently live in. Either they’re thieves or potheads. Maybe both.

If you want to get more extreme then you can put a freeze on your credit and yes, you can do it for free. Holler at your credit agency pals and fill out a little form. That’s it. They put that shit on complete lock down until you give them the go ahead. It seems like a good idea, but you need to call all three bureaus any time you even want that temporarily lifted. So if you’re planning on buying a house, a car, or a Taco Bell franchise anytime soon, freezing that shit up might not be the best option.

Besides a little SSN stealing, people get their credit card numbers yoinked a lot. Fortunately it’s pretty easy to deal with the credit card companies regarding fraud, but obviously it’s best to avoid that. Don’t let your paper mail linger in the mailbox, cut up old credit cards, don’t have browsers save your CC numbers, and don’t loan people your credit cards. Creepy Uncle Larry really can’t be trusted.

Passwords are also a cause for concern as they open up bank account to jerk off thieves. Don’t rely on a password manager like Dashlane because if your password into there gets hacked, you’re just royally fucked. Additionally, all someone needs is access to your unlocked computer and all of the passwords to every valuable account are auto filled for them already. Stick with three to five strong passwords that include numbers, symbols, and capitol letters to work throughout your various accounts, changing them slightly as often as you can. You don’t want just one password, because if that company gets hacked, you’re shit outta luck.

Now don’t go and get pissed off at the “damn interweb” for all of the identity theft issues. Mail is a problem too, where paper bank statements, sensitive account info, and real credit cards chill out in your mailbox. Moreover, what about when you toss them? The trash cans behind my house are full of rifling hobos, maybe one of them knows what to look for in that tossed paperwork.

If you are a victim of identity theft, chill, it’s all good, you can get it solved. Of all the identity theft cases I encounter, I’d say about 75% of the time, the culprit is affiliated with the victim. Now I’m not saying to start watching Pop Pop with evil eyes, but in the ESP realm, their illegitimate redneck children generally cause some fucking problems. A lot of times though, it’s just a mistake or a mix up and can be solved quite easily without having to hassle with the credit bureaus.

If your rebellious child isn’t to blame, you’ll want to put a fraud alert on your credit, dispute the charges with all three bureaus, contact the police to file a report, fill out an affidavit with the FTC, then work your way through the various businesses that have fraudulent accounts in your name. It’s a lot of work, but you’ll need all that info to clear up inaccuracies with the various businesses anyway. Might as well do it and get shit taken care of, then work on protecting yourself in the future.

You don’t have to be paranoid and wear a aluminum foil hat on your head to protect yourself from aliens (like a few Telescreen customers). You just need some common sense, valuable (free) tools, and to keep your eyes open for some stealing assholes. Then you’re all good in the hood and avoid having to talk to me when you find out some shithead setup Telescreen service in your name. I wouldn’t wish affiliation with Telescreen to anyone.

Step By Step Guide:

  • Your SSN is the most important part of your identity
  • Don’t buy anything to protect your credit, instead get that shit free from the bureaus
  • Understand the inconvenience involved with extra credit protection
  • Be vigilant when using your credit card number online, sharing is not caring
  • Don’t rely on a password manager, instead create a strong set of them yourself
  • The Internet isn’t all to blame, watch for mail stealing hobos as well
  • For Telescreen customers, family members are usually the culprits
  • Work with the credit bureaus, the police, and businesses to clear up inaccuracies
  • Fuck it, become a hermit and live off the grid in the middle of nowhere