How To Quiet A Crying Baby


Disclaimer: Dressing a child up as a pimp does not guarantee future success in life.

When I’m on the phone with people, I’d say a solid fourth of the time I have to listen to babies crying or kids fucking screaming. Usually into the phone. Loudly. Constantly.

Now I don’t have any kids, but if I did, I’d probably try to tell them to shut the fuck up. Well, I’d try to explain to them that they shouldn’t scream like raving fucking lunatics while I’m on the phone fixing the goddamn Internet.

As for babies, I’d wouldn’t try to reason with them, because they’re babies. They can’t fucking talk. They just shit and sleep, so there’s no hope of reasoning there.

Yet some customers would argue otherwise. I was going over a customer’s bill and had to keep raising my voice to be heard over the screaming baby right by the receiver of her phone.

Customer: “Hold on sir. EXCUSE ME! Now what were you saying?”

The baby continued to cry because it didn’t quite understand what the fuck she was saying. I started talking again.

Customer: “Hold on, hold on. Um, excuse me! Are you serious right now? Can’t you see I’m on the damn phone?”

Of course the baby had no retort because it was a fucking baby. It didn’t know know what a phone was or about the shitty Telescreen service. Lucky bastard.

Customer: “You better shut up before I shut you up, hear me?”

This continued after literally every sentence, as she kept yelling at the baby for interrupting. The baby kept fucking crying and didn’t understand her threats because it was a baby. The lady never quite figured it out, so after 20 minutes of losing my hearing, I gave her some free shit and bid her a shitty day.

One thought on “How To Quiet A Crying Baby

  1. How pathetic of a mother.., this coming from someone who can’t stand kids and won’t have any, but can at *least* take care of one occasionally. Poor baby.

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