How To Manipulate The Customer Service System
What do we all want? To save money and get our way, duh. Fear not, gentle reader, I’ve got the inside scoop on the customer service system. In Super Department, I know the ins and outs of every facet of the call center. Scroll down to learn how to manipulate the customer service system and get anything you want.
This will be a continuing series that will first appear in posts, and then permanently be placed in a page called “How To Guide.” The customer service system can be manipulated as long as you know how to do it. I know all the secrets of Telescreen and I’m happy to spill them all…
How To Get Out Of A Contract
Nothing is a bigger pain in the ass for me than angry ESP’s and their contracts. I would sympathize with people if they weren’t such assholes, because Telescreen really can fuck people over with early termination fees. Fortunately there are many exceptions to get out of a contract and one very secret exception that you will soon be privy too, gentle reader.
TV companies love to fuck you over immediately when you sign up for service by locking you into a lovely little contract. Some even require signing a contract while others only give good promotions to those with a new contract. If you hang out with the TV company for two years, you’ll doubtfully have any problems. But shit happens. Sometimes you need to move, you lose your job, or you decide to live off the grid for awhile. Or there are TV companies like Telescreen that suck and have really shitty service that deserves to be immediately replaced by any other service provider.
Yet if you cancel early and break that agreement, you’re looking at a hefty early termination fee. The amount you pay depends on how much time is left on the contract, but with Telescreen, that can run well over 400 bucks. Do you know how many beers you can buy with that? A lot, that’s how many.
If you call to cancel and try to reason with the CSR to tell them why you need to get out of the contract, you’re wasting your time. Us employees are given strict protocol, I mean really fucking strict, to not waive anyone out of a contract. Telescreen loses their shit if anyone breaks a contract. In Super Department, we’re the only ones that can waive an early termination fee, and that’s where most of our angry calls come from. On the off chance that we do waive a contract, it is tracked and the metrics are monitored by the asshole managers. Don’t they have better shit to do? Apparently not.
So what should you do if you need to drop the service? Well, the first point is to not sign a contract in the first place. Are you moving around a lot, between jobs, or has your better half been sneaking around? Don’t lock yourself into a contract for anything until you know for sure you can commit to the full term. Read through all that bullshit legal jargon when you sign up and make sure you know what you’re getting into up front. If you don’t have too much time left in your term, try riding it out. Lower you plan, remove add-ons, or have someone take over the service for you. That’s what friends are for anyway.
There are certain circumstances that warrant a contract waive exception. If a customer has a grave illness, that sucks, but we can waive it if they fax in a doctor’s note. Who the fuck uses fax machines anyway? It can also be waived if they move to some sort of health care facility, so if Nanna is in the home, send in a note. The same goes for death by the way, which surprises me, because I could really see Telescreen fucking people over even after they’re dead. In any case, those calls are so awkward, because we have to force people to send in a death certificate. Dick move, I know. If you’re discharged for military duty, you can send in your deployment papers, easy as that. Then there’s “Act of God” exceptions like tornadoes, hurricanes, earthquakes, fires, or floods. That really sucks, so I doubt anyone gives a fuck about TV after their homes are destroyed. Trailers also don’t hold up well to natural disasters, so those Rednecks get really mad when they call. Somehow it’s my fault that a tornado blew through the fucking plains of Oklahoma.
What if you haven’t had a really shitty day, no one died, and your house didn’t explode? There’s an exception for no service, such as no wire feeds for cable companies or no line of sight for satellite dishes. You have to request to have a field service manager out to confirm that you can’t get the service, and they’ll let you out of the contract. This is key if you just got setup and your service already sucks, so it’s probably an issue with the install. Another exception is if you dispute signing the contract. The technician that sets you up is required to have you sign the physical document before they leave. It’s then scanned and filed, where us poor assholes in Super Department have to then find it and review it when angry ESP’s claim they “never saw a contract,” but they always fucking signed it. On the off chance we can’t find it, or if you say that’s not your signature, we can waive the contract. So sign that shit with chicken scratch and you’re covered. Just kidding, because I think that’s forgery and therefore illegal, so forget that. Forget it!
All of these exceptions are less than ideal, but don’t worry, I saved the best for last. What if you get garbage service from a company like Telescreen, and it just sucks. I mean really, the quality of their equipment and picture is the biggest skid mark you’ve ever seen. So you have some technician look at everything, you call the tech support line, and everything still sucks. You’re locked into a contract for another year and a half and feel trapped with the crappiest company on Earth (Telescreen). Well, just call again. That’s right, you’re on the road to success.
We’re allowed to waive a contract if you’ve had a technician look at an issue three times and they haven’t resolved it. That’s actually quite enlightened, but they don’t tell you about that of course. So just call about your signal and have a tech come out. You’ll probably need to sign up for the service plan, but that’s usually chump change compared to an early term fee. Then call back again for another tech, then one more time, and make the last call to cancel your account. Sure you have to call a few times, but it’s not that much time being wasted. The customer service reps could care less and the techs love getting paid for easy jobs where they don’t do shit. I know it seems like a pain in the ass, but if you really need to get out of the contract and are looking at being out $300 or $30, this is the way to go. Now go spend that money on something informative like the Famous Idaho Potato Tour.
Step By Step Guide:
- Only consider signing a contract if you know you’re settled for two years
- Don’t try to argue your way out of the contract, you’ll get stonewalled
- If you need out, review any exception options that may apply
- Send in any paperwork or proof of your exception (unless you’re dead, then you can’t)
- If you don’t fit an exception, well shit, your signal is acting up
- Call to have an issue looked at a total of three times
- Contact a CSR to cancel because the technical issue has not been resolved
- Wait to be transferred to the powers that be who should let you out of the contract
- Time to head over to Company 2, but please don’t sign a contract again