Gentle reader, the holiday season is upon us. I know you’re supposed to say “happy holidays,” but everyone knows that the big deal around this time of year is the birthday celebration of Jesus. Now I’m not a religious man myself, but I must say, many of the Telescreen customers come right out of The Bible Belt. They really love Jesus, and I’m sure they are getting all worked up over the big birthday bash this year. So in honor of His (you’re supposed to capitalize it because Jesus is that big of a deal) birthday, let’s look at some of the lovely sayings those folks in The Bible Belt have used in their efforts to make me a good Christian. If I go to church on Sunday, will it spare me from daily contact with ESP’s? If so, consider me a devout Christian from this day forward.
Customer: “Thank you so much, and remember, Jesus loves you!”
Customer: “I’ll write your number down in my bible, that way I won’t lose it.”
Are you kidding? That’s one big fucking book, the number is officially lost already.
Customer 1: “Ask him if he’s been saved!”
Customer 2: “Have you been saved, sir?”
Winston: “I’m not really able to discuss that, I’m sorry.”
Customer 2: “No, he ain’t been saved.”
Customer 1: “Tell him I’ll be praying for him then!”
My definition of “saved” means having another job. Any other fucking job. I’ll take the free prayers though, thanks.
Customer: “You just earned your spot in Heaven today Winston!”
Really? And all I had to do was credit ten bucks on the account. Imagine all the credits I’ve done over the years…score.