Sherlock Holmes

I always wondered what the Internet looked like in real life.

There are plenty of mysteries in the world. Stonehenge. Atlantis. Nascar. One thing that doesn’t need a fucking investigation is the quick fix of a Telescreen router.

An angry old asshole called in and got super pissed because he couldn’t understand technology. Yes, this is a daily occurrence. I mean, the guy got confused about absolutely fucking everything. I was surprised he could carry on a conversation at that matter. Well, by conversation, I mean him just complaining about the “damned Interweb.”

He couldn’t figure out why his “Interweb” suddenly “vanished.” Why? Because he’s a fucking moron. The mystery of the vanishing Interweb solved in four seconds.

After talking to him for a whole 20 seconds, I could immediately tell he was fucking stupid, caused this whole fucking problem, and that he was really just an asshole. Don’t blame me because you’re stupid, gramps.

Winston: “Okay sir, we need to reset the router. What you’ll do is unplug the power from the box…”

Customer: “Wait, what? You mean this damned Interweb machine?”

Winston: “Correct, you’ll need to pull the power from…”

Customer: “Damnit, slow down! What do I pull?”

Winston: “You’ll need to unplug the power going from the Interweb machine to the wall.”

I couldn’t help myself.

Customer: “Oh alright, let me see here.”

Five solid minutes of fumbling around, dropping the phone multiple times, and lots of yelled “damnits” later…

Customer: “I don’t know what I did, but I fixed it. Oh yeah, I fixed it alright.”

No, you didn’t fix shit, you unplugged it and plugged it back in. A fucking orangutang could pull that move.

Customer: “Well thanks for nothing, looks like I fixed it myself.”

Then fucking Sherlock Holmes appears out of the woodwork, and spends 10 minutes, 10 real, actual minutes that I will never get back, investigating how it happened.

Customer: “Alright, so this plug goes into the wall here. Oh no, that’s another plug, where the Hell does that come from?”

Winston: “So the power goes into the router…”

Customer: “Oh damnit, I dropped that cord. Now where does this one go? It’s yellow, why in Hell’s name would they make a cord yellow?”

Winston: “That is most likely the Ethernet cord…”

Customer: “Oh it goes in here, yeah, so I plug it in to this machine here…”

That went on for ten minutes. He would talk to himself about the process of connecting a router while ignoring any assistance from me. He was deep in the investigative process I guess.

Winston: “Okay sir is there anything else I can help you with?”

Customer: “Aha, yes, this connects to here…”

Winston: “Sir? Can I help you with anything else today?”

Customer: “Why are there so many damn cords around here? Now what’s with this black one? Okay…”

Okay fine dickeweed, go ahead and call me Watson, I’ll help figure out the “Interweb” mystery. You reset the router. Done. Mystery solved. Now just don’t go down to Telescreen headquarters and ask for a fucking award because you figured this shit out.


3 thoughts on “Sherlock Holmes

  1. Corrected comment!
    There really isn’t anything to add, is there? Except that, sadly, the world is populated with ESP who invariably breed. sigh
    See, we all get in a hurry…and some of us have cats that jump up while we are reading and there you go. Still, I haven’t made any babies so I haven’t added to the problem!

  2. I was drawn here from an interaction I had earlier today with someone. This thought occured to me afterwards; if I was just smart enough to know that I was really stupid, I guess I would be angry too. I have carried this idea with me for years. It somehow helps me deal with the angry stupid ass people perhaps a little better. When I say this I mean that I no longer curse at people while pointing out how asinine they are. I smile, look off into the distance and think of grateful I am that I am not a complete buffoon. Although, I admit that half the time I think it would be easier to simply pray for a blow to the head and happily blend with the masses.

    • I think I may heed your advice and take solace in the fact that I’m not a complete idiot the next time I am forced to argue with an ESP. In my experience, the dumber the person, the angrier they are at everyone else because they’re stupid.

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