Scary ESP Stories

Even the pumpkins party too hard on Halloween.

Well gentle reader, it’s Halloween, the day we like to spend scaring the shit out of ourselves. That and eating candy, walking around looking like dumbasses, and getting really drunk. It’s a really great holiday.

Anyway, I thought what better way to enjoy this spooky day than to share some scary Halloween stories. What’s more frightening than an extremely stupid person? Not much, but lets see what we’ve got:

Killer Aliens

Customer: “I turned off the lights so they won’t find me.”

Fellow Agent: “Who?”

Customer: “The aliens. They’s after me. I be talking to you in a closet. Is this line secure?”

Assessment: Though I got this from a fellow agent, I can vouch that we don’t make this shit up. I know it sounds fake, but review every previous post and you’ll understand that people really are this fucking stupid. And aliens do go after illiterate Rednecks. SCARY.

Gettin’ Dirty

Winston: “Alright sir, I’ve got the movies purchased for you, they should show up on channel 6022 in a few minutes.”

Customer: “You mean I get to see dirty schoolgirls for 24 hours straight? Are you serious? Fuck yeah, I’m gonna be gettin’ dirty.”

Assessment: Ew. Ew. Ew. The only thing worse than ordering “adult entertainment” for creepy old dudes is having them share their excitement with you. SCARY.

Improper Remote Use

Fellow Agent: “Sir, are you okay?”

Customer: “Holy shit, my wife just shoved something up my ass!”

Assessment: Yes this was shared from another fellow agent, but I remember her laughing hysterically and then telling everyone all about it. Do you think we want to hear about your creepy ass home life, ESP? Fuck no we don’t. SCARY.

Aliens Stole My Receiver

Fellow Agent: “Do you know where your receiver is, ma’am?”

Customer: “Aliens.”

Fellow Agent: “What?”

Customer: “Aliens stole my receiver. TV too. I know they’re coming back, God knows what they’ll take next.”

Assessment: More aliens? Again this came from a fellow agent, so I will assume it’s true based on my experience with ESP’s, but no guarantees. This time the aliens were a bunch of punk ass kids that steal shit. SCARY.

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