The chances I believe a sob story from some Angry Asshole or any other ESP is about 5%. When I first started at Telescreen, I was young, naive, and ready to solve problems. You just lost your house? Of course I’ll cancel your account. You paid your bill even though we don’t show it was received? No problem, I’ll credit everything myself.
Then what happened was I wised up. Management was on my ass for breaking protocol. The customers were saying things that just didn’t add up. They didn’t want a solution, they just wanted to tell a dumb fucking story to get their way. So I realized I was going to call a bullshitter a bullshitter and wouldn’t believe a damn thing. That whole process happened in about an hour by the way.
Since I know 95% of the ESP customers are lying about something, I really enjoy calling them out on their lies. They claim they made a payment, so we call their bank and confirm they didn’t. They claim they sent back their receiver box, but we track it on the postal service website and see it hasn’t been sent. It’s a nice way of calling “bullshit” without actually saying “bullshit,” which is frowned upon in a call center.
One customer wasn’t just a bullshitter, she was a liar. Like a pathological liar. I don’t think she could’ve told the fucking truth if she tried. So I had no choice but to call “bullshit” every five fucking seconds. I’d say it was great to be right, but when dealing with an ESP, you’re always right. Unfortunately, the more wrong they are, the more pissed off they get.
Customer: “I sent that damn receiver back to you, don’t you tell me I didn’t!”
Winston: “I’m sorry ma’am, but I don’t show that it was received. If you don’t mind holding for a couple of minutes, I’ll check out the tracking info and see what I can find out.”
I looked up the tracking info and saw the return box was delivered to her piece of shit trailer in butt-fuck Arkansas, but never sent back. Lie #1.
Winston: “I see the tracking info and it’s telling me nothing was sent back, but the return box was delivered to your address on the third. If you could please just look around your house, maybe talk to the other members of the household, and please see if you can track the box down. When we receive it, we will automatically refund the charge.”
Customer: “Fine, I’ll look for it. But I’ve got more issues on my damn bill. I paid last month and it shows I didn’t. Now my service is out and that don’t make me too happy.”
Winston: “Well ma’am, I’m looking at your bill and show your service was reinstated, but I don’t see any payment posted. Let me take a look and see what I can find out.”
I looked over her bill and sure enough, she didn’t make a payment. The notes on the account showed that she bitched and screamed until someone reinstated her service. Now it was out again, but no payment was ever received. Lie #2.
Winston: “I’m looking up your payment history, and I’m still not seeing anything ma’am. Would you like to make a payment today?”
Then shit hit the fan. She said she was a good customer. Lie #3. She always paid her bill on time. Lie #4. She paid this month and even paid extra to go toward the next month. Lie #5. Of course I didn’t believe any of this, why the fuck would I? So of course, she lost her shit, yelled, screamed, and slammed the phone down. All of that after she threatened to take my ass to court. Lie #6.
A few days later, when I was working on my “pending issues” as they call it at Telescreen, I brought up the psycho asshole’s account. Since I knew nothing was resolved and that she’d probably call back, I wanted to check on the status. Sure enough, right after she hung up on me, she called back again, and the notes from another agent said she told them she made a payment this month that didn’t post. Lie #7. They reinstated her service, but that was only good for one day. She called back again, and said she paid this month and some extra for the next month. Lie #8. They reinstated her service again (amateur bullshitters). Then she called back later that day and said she sent back her receiver and needed to be credited for the charge, which some poor supervisor did for her. Lie #9.
After all those lies, she had gotten about 300 bucks credited to her account, but didn’t speak one word of truth. So kids, the moral of the story is: If you’re an asshole and lie about everything, you get what you want. It’s a crazy ass world, isn’t it?