Is There Some Kinda Payment Plan?

Words alone can’t even begin to explain what’s wrong with this man.

Because Telescreen caters to the “rural” individuals, the channels they provide are Redneck by nature. You can’t miss shows featuring country music, truck driving, Conservative politics, fishing, guns, Nascar, and all that other worthless stupid shit Rednecks love. Side-note: Why in fucks name do they love Nascar? I mean, it’s just a bunch of assholes driving in circles. What the fuck?

Anyway, Telescreen released a new package called “The Heart of America” package for those individuals in the American Heartland or some shit like that. Translation: all of your Redneck channels in one convenient location. It has the fishing channel, the stupid fucking car racing channel, the shitty country music channel, I mean, all the dumb shit. Because Rednecks are so poor, they made it available for the low price of $5 per month. You would think this would be Redneck’s dream, but no no, they still can’t quite handle it.

Winston: “If you’re wanting the fishing channel, I’d recommend The Heart of America package. It has tons of great stuff.”

You can see my salesman skills at work. By “great stuff” I mean stupid pointless shit that Rednecks love, like Glenn Beck.

Customer: “Now what else is gonna come with this ‘Merica package?”

I listed off all the stupid fucking channels and then excitement immediately ensued. Boy did Telescreen nail the target demographic.

Customer: “Hold on now! Did you say I get all them channels and I still get to watch my fishing? Ah Hell, ain’t no way I’m every gonna leave the house now”

I assume by “house” he meant trailer, but I didn’t want to ruin his excitement.

Winston: “That’s correct sir, all of those channels are in the same package.”

Customer: “Now how much is this thing gonna run?”

Winston: “I can add it on today for only five dollars more a month.”

Then you’d think his fucking dog (or “hound” as Rednecks call them) just died. He went from happy to sad in one short second.

Customer: “Ah Hell. You serious? Five doggone bucks a month?”

Again, I tried to spin the benefits of having every shitty channel together for only five bucks a month. But he wasn’t buying it.

Customer: “I just don’t know if I can do that. Dang. Wait a minute! Y’all must have some kinda payment plan, right?”

Winston: “For your bill…”

Customer: “Naw, for this here ‘Merica thing.”

Winston: “So a payment plan for the five dollars?”

Customer: “Well yeah, what you think I am, made of money?”

And then I realized the flaw in The Heart of America package. If you’re too much of a Redneck, you just can’t afford it. He argued about setting him up on a payment plan, I told him that wouldn’t work because it’s fucking five dollars, and then he very sadly gave up. You may think I’m an asshole for making fun of his financial situation, but let me just state for the record that RVs are pretty fucking expensive. So are boats, trucks, ATVs, guns…

8 thoughts on “Is There Some Kinda Payment Plan?

  1. These are the people who always seem to have money for booze, cigarettes, and ‘Murrica-themed tattoos.

    • Exactly. These are also the people that live in rundown trailers, yet have the highest package with every single channel and complain about not being able to pay their electric bill. Priorities.

      • Ah, red state people. The red states are always the ones who receive the most in welfare aid; unemployment etc. They’re the states who would benefit the most from Obamacare yet the ones who protest the most and the loudest. But I suppose that’s a different rant for a different day.

  2. As always, I sympathize. At my old job, we had a significant number of customers from Alabama Power and various branches of American Electric Power who were kinda lacking on that brainpower thing. I didn’t realize how bad it was until my wife and I drove cross-country for an event in Florida. There’s something really terrifying about the money that Alabama Power spends on billboards telling its customers that taking down high-power lines for the metal was dangerous. The most terrifying part, of course, is that this presumes that the people who need the message the most can read. (I wish I were kidding, but I actually read the obituary of a customer about three days after he’d called up, too meth-fried to figure out how to punch in numbers on a touch-tone phone. The obituary was on how he’d built a homemade grappling hook out of a long clothesline and rebar, and was using it to snag power lines in order to strip them and sell them for the copper. He apparently couldn’t figure out that power lines can still transmit power, grabbed one end, and killed himself instantly. I could only hope that I got away from that job before I got a call from his kids TV, Tree, Truck, and Hold My Beer And Watch This.)

    • I think we have a nominee for the Darwin Awards! Nothing ever good came from the old Redneck saying, “Hold my beer and watch this…”

  3. Oh, and I’ll bet it flies right over their heads that whenever all those NASCAR assholes gets out and starts driving in circles, they’re all making one left turn after another.

    So much for their idiotic right wing political views.

    • Haha that’s so funny, I never thought of it that way, but so true. Lots of stupid right wing rednecks watching a bunch of cars taking left wing turns for a few hours. Soon they’ll start calling ESPN that “damn liberal media.”

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