Because Telescreen caters to the “rural” individuals, the channels they provide are Redneck by nature. You can’t miss shows featuring country music, truck driving, Conservative politics, fishing, guns, Nascar, and all that other worthless stupid shit Rednecks love. Side-note: Why in fucks name do they love Nascar? I mean, it’s just a bunch of assholes driving in circles. What the fuck?
Anyway, Telescreen released a new package called “The Heart of America” package for those individuals in the American Heartland or some shit like that. Translation: all of your Redneck channels in one convenient location. It has the fishing channel, the stupid fucking car racing channel, the shitty country music channel, I mean, all the dumb shit. Because Rednecks are so poor, they made it available for the low price of $5 per month. You would think this would be Redneck’s dream, but no no, they still can’t quite handle it.
Winston: “If you’re wanting the fishing channel, I’d recommend The Heart of America package. It has tons of great stuff.”
You can see my salesman skills at work. By “great stuff” I mean stupid pointless shit that Rednecks love, like Glenn Beck.
Customer: “Now what else is gonna come with this ‘Merica package?”
I listed off all the stupid fucking channels and then excitement immediately ensued. Boy did Telescreen nail the target demographic.
Customer: “Hold on now! Did you say I get all them channels and I still get to watch my fishing? Ah Hell, ain’t no way I’m every gonna leave the house now”
I assume by “house” he meant trailer, but I didn’t want to ruin his excitement.
Winston: “That’s correct sir, all of those channels are in the same package.”
Customer: “Now how much is this thing gonna run?”
Winston: “I can add it on today for only five dollars more a month.”
Then you’d think his fucking dog (or “hound” as Rednecks call them) just died. He went from happy to sad in one short second.
Customer: “Ah Hell. You serious? Five doggone bucks a month?”
Again, I tried to spin the benefits of having every shitty channel together for only five bucks a month. But he wasn’t buying it.
Customer: “I just don’t know if I can do that. Dang. Wait a minute! Y’all must have some kinda payment plan, right?”
Winston: “For your bill…”
Customer: “Naw, for this here ‘Merica thing.”
Winston: “So a payment plan for the five dollars?”
Customer: “Well yeah, what you think I am, made of money?”
And then I realized the flaw in The Heart of America package. If you’re too much of a Redneck, you just can’t afford it. He argued about setting him up on a payment plan, I told him that wouldn’t work because it’s fucking five dollars, and then he very sadly gave up. You may think I’m an asshole for making fun of his financial situation, but let me just state for the record that RVs are pretty fucking expensive. So are boats, trucks, ATVs, guns…