You’re Gonna Hang!

Free-range, organic chicken, available at Whole Foods.

As you’ve probably gathered, I’ve had plenty of threats against my life over the last couple of years. There have been too many to count and even too many to mention all of them on the blog. I can only justifiably mention the creative and original threats, like this one:

Winston: “I’m sorry ma’am, but I can’t get the refund back to you sooner than three to five business days. It has to clear with your bank first, but we have no control over that process.”

Customer: “Na-na-na-na. You think you can get away with this?”

Winston: “Ma’am, we made sure the refund was sent to the bank yesterday…”

Customer: “Na-na-na-na. You’re gonna hang for this, you hear me? You’re gonna hang mister! You’re gonna hang!”

Hmm. I can’t make money magically appear so I’m going to be executed? By way of a noose? No, this isn’t the fucking 1600’s and I’m not a fucking witch. It must have been a figure of speech or something, because that made no sense whatsoever. Even literally speaking, I don’t think the death penalty is sentenced to people who can’t get a refund sooner than three business days.

Winston: “Um, okay. You see, we send the refunds…”

Customer: “Na-na-na-na. You listen here, mister. You’re gonna get me my dang refund right now!”

Winston: “Well…”

Customer: “Na-na-na-na.”

Winston: “So…”

Customer: “Na-na-na-na.”

This continued exactly like that for another couple of minutes until she got pissed and hung up on me. Of course she yelled, “You’re gonna hang!” right before she hung up to, you know, to make her point or something. I’m not sure why she called since I wasn’t given a chance to solve or explain anything. Either way, I have to give her props for creativity on the death threats.

One thought on “You’re Gonna Hang!

  1. I don´t work on phones… but I do get to answer very angry and confused people. Being an untrained but natural-born comedic actor of sorts, I have a “can´t believe” stare that makes me look like some “straight guy entraped in an absurd world” kind of character from an old Monty Python movie. And it works. People really do understand that I am amused byt the sheer absurdity of what I am listening to.

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