One Call…To The F-B-I

“Put down the Froot Loops asshole!”

As you can probably imagine, gentle reader, customers rarely take no for an answer. If there is nothing else ol’ Winston can do for them, they throw in the “or else” threats. Most of the time, they will threaten to call a lawyer, the Better Business Bureau, the Attorney General, etc. Yet sometimes, they’ll go to even more extreme measures.

Winston: “I’m sorry sir, but I simply can’t reverse the charge. If you received the services, we must charge you for them.”

Customer: “Are you sure you wanna do this, pal?”

Winston: “Like I said, I wish there was more…”

Customer: “No, no, no. Lookee here. You’s in trouble now, ya’ hear? All I have to do is make one phone call.”

Winston: “Well…”

Customer: “One call…to the FBI.The F-B-Fuckin’-I. You hear that?”

Winston: “I did, but I’m not sure how that’s going to help.”

Let’s figure out why that isn’t going to help. Well, first of all, because it’s the F-B-Fucking-I. Does this moron know that the FBI doesn’t deal with customer service issues? Can you imagine an FBI agent busting into a goddamn K-Mart? “Excuse me, I need to speak with a manager. Mrs. Lawson did not get her full refund for the patio furniture she returned earlier today. If we don’t get a swift resolution, I will start shooting employees, because this is the FBI.” I mean, come on, give me a fucking break. Then the conversation got even better.

Customer: “If they ain’t gonna help me, y’all better watch out, ’cause I’m gonna call The CIA next!”

The C-I-Fucking-A? I can just imagine how this one would sound. “Johnson, call The Pentagon. A man has been charged four extra dollars on his Telescreen bill. Thomas, get the president on the line. This is an emergency.”

As you can probably guess, I am not wanted by the FBI, the CIA, or anyone else. I may be wanted by the upper echelon of Telescreen if anyone finds out who the real Telescreen company is, but until then, I think I’m okay.

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