I’m Gon Kill That Sum Bitch

“Hey neighbor, I think you parked your ‘truck’ on my tree stump.”

Conversations With Rex

I have been following Winston’s blog since its genesis. Stories of ESP’s and dumb rednecks are not only funny, but give you some perspective on your own intelligence. Litmus tests, if you will. Chances are, if you’re sympathetic with the customer in any of Winston’s stories, you’re probably an ESP yourself.

But what happens when you leave your semi-comfortable work setting and have to deal with the gun-toting, gay-bashing, Christ-loving idiots in the real world? Well, I have the case study for you and he is my next door neighbor…Rex.

Rex in his very nature is a simple kind of guy. One would describe him as a Salt-of-the-Earth character. I don’t understand what that means. Presumably because Rednecks tend to have high-sodium diets and earthy body odors.  But Rex is 58 years old and it doesn’t appear he has ever stepped foot outside of his suburban Midwestern community. With his simplicity comes an approachable demeanor and a willingness to offer a neighborly hand, sometimes without request.

As nice as he is, the other side of the coin carries a temper fueled by Bud Light, cigarettes, and Fox News. I recently experienced his Redneck drama in the most awkward way. Couple his rage with the conversational and social skills of a 2nd grader, we all benefit from blog-worthy conversations.

Me: Hey Rex, how’s it going?

Rex, Bud Light in hand and cigarette dangling from his mouth: Good (Blank stare with no reciprocating of the question).

Me: Okay, good. You know, we seem to have this mole problem in the back yard.

Rex: Yeah, I noticed that (followed by another blank stare).

Me: Yeah, we haven’t found a way to get rid of them. Would you know of any tricks?

Rex: (Enthusiastically) Fabric softener…put some fabric softener in the hole n’ they’ll go away. Or you can get one of those guillotines…Put the trap down in that hole and it’ll slice their heads right off. Gotta kill those things or they’ll keep coming back!

Me: Great, thanks! (Starting to walk away) Have a good ni….

Rex: You know that ex-son-in-law of mine took out a restraining order on my daughter?

Me: (Stop dead in my tracks, confused)

Rex: They got in an argument the other night in front of their son and she said something like “…don’t you fucking talk to me like that!” And you know what he did?

Me: Uh….

Rex: He filed a restraining order on her for being an unfit mother.

Me: Sorry, I…

Rex: You know he moved that woman he was seeing while my daughter was pregnant right after they split, right?

Me: What…no?

Rex: Yeah, well you know what I’m gon do?  I’m gon fuckin’ kill that sum bitch.

Me: Uhhh (Please kill me instead right now so I don’t have to listen to your crazy Redneck plan)

Rex: Yep. I’m gon drive my truck straight into his kitchen. Don’t matter to me; I don’t care if I get arrested. My friends been sayin to me, “Rex, you’ll go to jail for that!” And I say, ‘I don’t care; I’ve lived 58 good years. At least that sum bitch’ll be dead.”

Me: Wow, uh…okay?

Rex: Yeah, I been so mad about that. You know how fuckin’ mad I am when I drive by his house? I can’t even walk my dog anymore because it makes me so mad to see his house.

Me: (No words)

Rex: Anyway, let me know if you need any help with those moles.

Me: Well, uh, good luck with everything and I hope it all works out okay for your family.

And now I will be an accessory to murder when all I wanted to know was how to get rid of moles.


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