The Honest Agent

“If you think this is nice, just wait until you see the Kias.”

We deal with a lot of sketchy sales agents over in Super Department. We have to help them build accounts when they get caught manipulating the system (which happens on a minute-by-minute basis). We then have to build accounts for them because they fucked with the system. As much as I think they’re pieces of shit, I happily build accounts for them because it beats talking to that trailer trash redneck yelling into the phone with a lisp because he’s missing teeth, but that I still can’t hear because of his fucking crying kids, barking dogs, and asshole friend revving an ATV engine in the background. That’s just one example of a fine Telescreen customer.

Day in and day out, my colleagues and I have to deal with the sketchiest mother fuckers around in the sales department, lying and cheating their way to getting any type of commission. No one at Telescreen seems to care since the management appointed everyone in Super Department to help make sure sales go through. So after years of all that daily lying bullshit, I really appreciate an honest sales agent. I like a man who’s not afraid to lie, and willing to simply speak the truth.

Winston: “So they already have an account?”

Agent: “Sounds like it. Say goodbye to my sale.”

Winston: “Well have you accessed their account and told them what we need to do to get the account moved?”

Agent: “No, I haven’t gotten that far. Man! I was so close to closing the sale too.”

Winston: “Okay, just setup a move and a technician visit and they should be good to go.”

The agent the let out a deep sigh.

Agent: “Listen man, I’m not gonna do that. Why don’t you talk to them, that’s what you guys do anyway. I’m a sales agent. I’m here to make money, not to help customers.”

And before I could even compute what a real bag o’ douche this asshole was, the call was transferred right on over to me.

Customer: “Who dis? Hey, who there! Y’all got some damn explainin’ to do!”