The Fail Agent

Epic fail.

Considering the type of employees at Telescreen, you would figure it’s not that hard of a job. If you barely need a high school degree, limited “customer service experience,” and must be a chain smoker with two kids driving a rusty pinto, you would think the job is pretty fucking easy.

From reading some of my past blog posts, I’m sure you also get the sense that this it’s probably one of the more stressful jobs out there. Take a normal cubicle job, but toss in appeasing the screaming toothless redneck while navigating ten different near-obsolete applications as quickly as possible, and you’ve got a recipe for a shit job.

Me, I like to keep shit simple. That turns a stressful job into sometimes, an easy job. For example, some dumbass calls in and starts bitching about their bill. I throw free shit and money at them. They then quit bitching, hang up the phone, and leave me the fuck alone. See how simple that is?

Of course it’s not always that easy, but if you strive for simplicity, it really makes the days a lot easier. In a place filled with ESP’s, easy is a key savior of sanity.

Some employees aren’t quite that enlightened. They go by the book and seem to think they can solve everything using the bullshit mandates from the upper echelon of Telescreen. Of course all of the rules thrown at us don’t help us with our jobs, but only impede them. You’ve got to think outside of the box, and well, actually think in the first place to survive the day to day.

With that in mind, that’s what happened when I encountered The Fail Agent. Picture a movie with a fat dumb guy that’s always falling down and therefore making everyone laugh. This agent was kind of like that, where every step of the way was a disaster.

A call came into Super Department from a Frontline Agent. They call for help quite a bit, and usually end up transferring customers because they’re worthless and lazy. I’m all for laziness, hence why I don’t want other people’s shit sent to me.

Agent: “So can I transfer the, um, person to you?”

Winston: “Hold on one second, I’m bringing up the account.”

Agent: “How did you do that again?”

Winston: “Um, just put in the phone number and you’ve got it.”

Agent: “Oh yeah, of course.”

Winston: “Okay, so what’s going on with this account?”

Agent: “Well the customer called in to make a payment, but I accidentally put in the wrong number and brought up a different account.”

Fail #1

Agent: “Then I accidentally put in the wrong credit card number.”

Fail #2

Agent: “Then I accidentally made the payment on the wrong account.”

Fail #3

Winston: “So you made a payment on the wrong account with the wrong card?”

Agent: “Well, yeah, kind of. But then I tried to take a payment with the saved credit card, and I accidentally erased it from the account.”

Fail #4

Winston: Okay, well did you issue a refund?”

Agent: “Um, I don’t really know how to do that.”

Winston: “There’s a refund link right next to the credit card button.”

Agent: “Oh wow, there it is. I just click it?”

Winston: “Um, no I’ll take care of it. Did you end up taking a payment?”

Agent: Well no, now the customer is locked out of making credit card payments after my, um, accident.”

Fail #5

Winston: “No worries, I can do an override to add it back onto the account. Just send the customer over.”

I figured fuck it, sometimes it’s easier to get shit done yourself. See…simple.

Agent: “Well, I accidentally told the customer about the issue. He’s a little ticked off. Sorry…”

Fail #6 – 1,000

Needless to say, the customer was pissed because he called in to make a payment with a credit card and the agent made a payment with a different card on another account. Then the agent somehow managed to delete this guy’s card from his own account, effectively locking him out of the system and meaning he had to pay via check or Walmart. Since he lived in Arkansas, I guess it wouldn’t have been too big of a deal to pay via the Walmart cash center, but he was still having a shit-fit.

So I took over the call, and got to work, simple-style. Allow me to show you how to appease a screaming ESP, quickly and simply.

Customer: “How in the Hell am I supposed to pay my damn bill after that idiot messed everything up?”

Winston: “You don’t have to worry about this bill sir, it’s taken care of. I waived the charges, added your card back on, and gave you HBO free for three months. I’m sorry about the inconvenience, but you have a good day.”

Boom. Should I do all that? Of course not, the cheap asses at Telescreen hate giving away money. But in my years as an agent, I’ve learned you have to be the simple employee, not the fail employee. That’s no accident.


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