I’ve Only Got $10 To My Name

“Grab my wallet, it’s the one that says Bad Mother Fucker.”

Stupid People Say The Dumbest Fucking Things:

I’m fighting with some dumbass over his bill, mainly because he has every single channel, ever single package, tons of receivers, and the best equipment. I also see his address is in Alabama.

Winston: “Well sir, if the bill is too high, we could consider lowering your package.”

Customer: “No, I ain’t gonna do that. No way I’m losing any channels.”

Winston: “With the top package and all the add-ons, that’s the price you’re going to see each month.”

Customer: “What you think I am, rich?”

Again, I saw his address was in Alabama…

Customer: “When I signed up all this stuff was cheap.”

Winston: “The introductory rate was cheaper, but you kept all of the add-ons, and now you’re paying full price for everything.”

Customer: “Well that right there is some B.S! I ain’t paying nothing more. I want all these channels, but I want them for free because of all the hassle y’all have been causing me.”

If I were only given freebies for all of the ‘hassle’ with ESPs…

Winston: “I’m sorry sir, but if you want the premium package, that’s the only price we can offer.”

Customer: “Now you listen here, fella. I’ve only got $10 to my name. Ten friggin’ dollars, dead serious. I’m sure you get that all the time, but ain’t got a darn thing in the bank, I’ve just got this ten dollar bill in my wallet. I’m looking at it right now, and it’s the only money I’ve got in the world.”

Let me get this straight. You’re a hobo/redneck with only $10, yet you pay $200 for every single fucking channel on TV a ton of high def TV’s in multiple rooms? That’s worse than seeing a panhandling hobo chatting on his cell phone. Here’s an idea: how about you ditch the TV? Maybe spend that $10 on a nice tie and find a job. Maybe invest in some penny stock and hope it gets you rich in one day. Maybe quit being such a fucking moron and don’t complain about being flat broke while having the Porsche of TV services.

Yes, this happens all the fucking time, but this is one of the more extreme situations. I doubt he really had $10 to his name, but if it was true, I hope he kept it somewhere safe, like behind his 60″ plasma TV.

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4 thoughts on “I’ve Only Got $10 To My Name

  1. In my customer service days, my company generally charged a service fee for transactions through our automated payment center. The cost of the fee honestly depended upon the client: many ate the cost in order to get people to make payments online or over the phone, but most were between $1.95 and $5.95 . The cost was stated up front, and anyone who had issue with paying the processing fee was welcome to use alternate methods to pay their bills. In fact, we wouldn’t take on clients who wanted to force their customers to pay over the phone, because we wanted to make sure that this was an option. When the customer had fifteen minutes to make a payment to prevent their phone or electricity from being turned off and the nearest payment center was an hour drive away, this was about the only option.

    Naturally, though, that didn’t stop the bitching and yelling from elderly rednecks on how being forced to pay $4.95 to get their electricity turned back on was “tyranny”. We had lots of these dorks, and the insult wasn’t that they were all so stupid that they tripped on the linoleum pattern when they went to the double-wide’s kitchen every morning. It was that they thought we were even dumber than they were, and that they were pulling a fast one with logic contortions that a raccoon could see through. I regularly had old farts who’d try claiming that what we were doing was “illegal” and that they were calling up the attorney general/the BBB/Fox News to report us if we didn’t waive the fee right then and there. Since that didn’t work, and since they were all suffering from depression (the depression their asses left in the couch, which at this point had its own gravitational event horizon) that prevented them from going to an authorized payment center, they’d try “logic”. “Okay, so I need to pay $50 to get my power turned on, right? Waaaaaaal, you’re charging me $4.95 for this, so I’m only gonna pay the $50 in total.”

    At that point, the only response I could make was “You can pay whatever you want, sir, but if the utility said you needed to pay $50, you should pay the whole $50.”

    “I am. $50, minus your illegal processing fee.”

    The only thing better than dealing with this level of imbecility was getting the furious call an hour later, where Melvert didn’t have his power turned on because he only paid $45.05, and still owed $4.95 to the utility. The utility, of course, was willing to turn the power back on if the whole bill was paid in full…$4.95, with a $4.95 processing fee for using our service unless he wanted to go to a payment center. It’s amazing how many rednecks in the middle of Dogfelcher Falls, Georgia are close personal friends with George W. Bush, because his name was always brought up at that point, as in “If you don’t get my power turned back on RIGHT NOW, I’m gonna call up MY CLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND GEORGE W. BUSH to talk to you about it. Uh HUH. Then you’ll be sorry.”

    My absolute favorite involving cheapness, though, involved an insurance company that took payments through our service. A customer called to complain that she couldn’t make a payment of $37,000 to pay her business insurance for the next year, and I noted that the maximum payment she could make at one time was for $25,000. That didn’t prevent her from making an additional transaction for the remaining balance.

    “And pay the $1.95 processing fee again.”

    “Unfortunately, yes. You’d be charged the processing fee for every transaction.”

    She yelled “Well, fuck that” and hung up. She then called back the next day, absolutely livid, because her business insurance policy had been canceled for nonpayment, and a new policy would cost about 50 percent more. I wanted to ask her “And do you pull corn kernels out of your own shit to save on grocery bills, too?”

    • Haha that’s so funny. Boy, do I know about payment processing fees. We’re supposed to charge people $5 to take a payment through us in order to discourage dumbasses from calling in and making a payment that could be done twice as fast online. Of course, in bumfuck Alabama, the doublewides don’t come equipped with Wifi, and the payment center at the hub of town (Wal-Mart) is thirty miles away, so why not just call in bitch instead?

      I usually waive the fees since they aren’t a big part of the business at Telescreen, but boy do people get pissed over $5 when I do charge them. $2 out of $37,000 is extreme. Extremely cheap and extremely stupid. In that case you would have to say, “Here, I’ll loan you two bucks if you’re going to be that much of a pain in the ass.”

      And if you didn’t loan the money over and God forbid charged $2, watch out for George Dubya. He’ll send the secret service in defense of his Dirty Redneck friend out in beautiful Georgia. Or maybe he’ll just give you a call to chat about it, then you’ll be sorry.

      Good stuff!

      • Heh. One of our big customers was American Electric & Power, and AEP has branches all over the eastern half of the US. In fact, we had to ask which state a customer lived in, so we could tell which AEP branch in which they lived. (We could always spot an Ohio resident when we’d ask “So in which state do you live?”, and they’d answer with the little podunk town where their double-wide resided. When asked “No, which state do you live in?”, they’d always respond “The United States”, and answering them “So that’s Ohio?” never failed to get an affirmative.) Well, when we first took on AEP as a customer, one of those branches was AEP Appalachia. That first day, we had one hillbilly call in to scream that our automated system pronounced “Appalachia” “aah-puh-LAY-shuh” instead of “aah-puh-LAH-shuh”, and if we didn’t fix it within the hour, he was going to call up a relative working at Fox News and they’d dedicate a whole hour to the outrage. Yeah, we had some real cutlets of free-range Soylent Green calling up every day.

      • Haha, I wonder if he was going to call his close personal friend George W. Bush after reporting the dire incident to the idiots at Fox News? The funny thing is, they would have probably run a story on it and call it, “Liberal Propaganda.”

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