The Phone Sex Badass

“Oh yeah, it’s definitely getting hot in here.”

Sometimes employees don’t get mad, they get even. I plot pretty much every single day how I can get even with these idiotic assholes, but so far I’ve come up with nothing. One employee was much better at plotting than me and ended up getting pretty fucking even.

I’m on the phone with some raging bitch who’s pissed about something I don’t give a fuck about. She’s insistent on talking to a previous agent who was working with her the previous week.

Customer: “I need to speak with John, he promised me he would get a technician out here today!”

Winston: “Well let me see if I can track John down then.”

Customer: “No, you get up and you find him right now!”

See the demanding bullshit I deal with on a regular basis? I put the raging bitch on hold and tried to track down John, the poor employee that had to deal with this psycho. I looked him up in our directory, and it turned out he had just quit earlier in the week. Smart bastard. That’s par for the course as the turnover is fucking unreal at Telescreen.

Winston: “I’m sorry ma’am, but it looks like John quit earlier this week. I’m not sure if you had tried calling him…”

Customer: “You’re damn right I have! I’ve been trying to call him all week, why do you think I’m so frustrated? Every time I called that number, you know what I got? A phone sex line. S-E-X! You know, that porno stuff. Can you believe that?”

Winston: “Oh, I’m sure it was a mistake.”

At first I thought she was a typical ESP that had gotten confused by the technological complexities of dialing a phone, but the lunatic kept insisting she tried calling John multiple times and still got a phone sex line. In thinking about it, he had talked to her about two days before he quit. Could it be that this genius knew he was going to be free from the evil grip of Telescreen, so he started giving angry assholes and extremely stupid people a fake number that led them to a phone sex line? I’m sticking with that and must say bra-fucking-vo. That’s how you quit a shit job like a badass.

Customer: “Well, I guess we know what his new job is.”

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3 thoughts on “The Phone Sex Badass

  1. I used to get similar ones, only the ESPs were the customers. Namely, I’d get angry calls demanding that I call up the ESP’s bank to see about having holds released on their accounts. They’d go through our automated phone payment system, refuse to listen to the very simple instructions, put in bad information, have the transaction declined but the bank put a hold on the funds for anywhere from three days to a week, and then lie to me about how “your system TOLD me to do that!” In that case, it was up to me to fix the fact that they were asked “Please enter the ZIP code where you receive your credit card billing statement”, and they instead heard “the ZIP code where you lost your virginity to someone other than your sister.” I went through this gibberish at least thirty times a day, with some banks only releasing that hold if we faxed them a notice, and others, such as Bank of America, keeping the funds on hold for three days. (The most entertaining calls along that line were ones that told me “I work for Bank of America, and I KNOW that you’re lying to me! Our bank doesn’t have that policy!” Shortly before getting onto a conference call with the customer service reps at the bank, who actually know what the policy is, I’d ask these geniuses what they did at BofA. To an individual, they’d answer “Personnel.”)

    Anyway, many banks would also release those funds if we called and asked them to do so, and I’d need the customer on the line with me to confirm this. Therefore, I’d need the bank’s number. At least three times a week, I’d have someone give me what they SWORE was the Greater Bank of Dogfelcher Falls customer service number, and it turned out to be a phone sex line. With two-thirds of them, they were obviously reciting the number out of habit, and boy oh boy would they panic when suddenly they heard “Thank you for calling ‘Chicks With Dicks’! You’ll be glad you came!”

    • That sounds about right. I tell you what, those conference calls with the bank are a pain in the ass, but they are always key in catching the lying ESP’s. Every single time I’ve had to do that because the ESP was pumping some bullshit, they bank proves them wrong.

      Now giving a fake number to get back at they tyranny of stupidity is a badass move. Confusing a frequently dialed phone sex line with a bank number is an extremely stupid move. ESP fail.

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