I’ve heard a lot of things in my years at Telescreen. I’ve heard threats, rants, tears, and farts. I’ve been yelled at, cursed at, screamed at, and belittled. Yet the thing I’ve heard once, and only once, was an apology.
I’d say I’m due an apology about 80% of the time. The customers should be apologizing for being rude assholes, acting like fucking morons, and wasting my goddamn time. Alas, that doesn’t happen, as all ESP’s for some reason are so damn sure of themselves. I’ve found that the dumber the customer is, the more they feel they’re right. If they can’t fucking perform simple math, then the bill has to be wrong. Well of course nothing adds up if you don’t know that 2 and 2 equals fucking four.
So I thought I would include this epic and one-time event in a post, but I’m not a hypocrite. I’ve also included an official apology to all of the ESP’s I’ve thus far ridiculed on this blog.
I’m fighting back and forth with a relatively calm customer regarding returning a receiver box. He’s assuring me he returned the box, but our records over at Telescreen are telling me differently.
Winston: “I’m sorry sir, but I don’t show the box was returned when you cancelled your account.”
Customer: “That just can’t be right, I know I returned it. I sent it back to y’all a month ago.”
Winston: “I do see that we received one of the boxes, but you had two active on your account.”
This continued for about 30 minutes, until I finally was able to convince him to, you know, actually look for the fucking box.
Customer: “I’m telling you, it ain’t around here anywhere. I’ll look again, but I would have definitely seen it if it was in the house.”
The next day, I came in with a voicemail from the same customer. I was sure it would be him bitching about how I need to waive the $300 charge on his account for unreturned equipment, so I braced myself for another 30 minute battle.
Customer: “Hi there Winston, this is Johnny calling regarding the unreturned equipment charge. I tell you what Winston, I owe you a big apology.”
It was then when my jaw dropped and I was in a state of utter shock, like when I saw the real Elvis outside of a Nebraska truck stop.
Customer: “I went right into my bedroom closet after I hung up the phone with ya, and I’ll be damned, there it was, clear as day. Sorry to be so darn stubborn about the whole thing, but thanks for all the help.”
An apology and an admission of stubbornness? I thought this was the dawn of a new era at Telescreen, but my first call of the day happened to be an unapologetic bag-o-douche. Oh well, at least one person out of thousands and thousands had the sense enough to apologize for being stupid.
Now it’s my turn to apologize to the 70ish ESP’s that have thus far been ridiculed on this blog:
I’m sorry my interactions with you all have forever been immortalized on the great world wide web, and that hundreds of people can now laugh at your stupidity. Be glad that Telescreen hires a bunch of dickweed lawyers that prevent me from providing your names. Actually, be really glad that I don’t release your personal information so people won’t show up on your doorsteps in order to point and laugh at your outrageous stupidity.
Go Fuck Yourselves,
Winston Von Stupid