The Apology

Apparently someone doesn’t fuck around.

I’ve heard a lot of things in my years at Telescreen. I’ve heard threats, rants, tears, and farts. I’ve been yelled at, cursed at, screamed at, and belittled. Yet the thing I’ve heard once, and only once, was an apology.

I’d say I’m due an apology about 80% of the time. The customers should be apologizing for being rude assholes, acting like fucking morons, and wasting my goddamn time. Alas, that doesn’t happen, as all ESP’s for some reason are so damn sure of themselves. I’ve found that the dumber the customer is, the more they feel they’re right. If they can’t fucking perform simple math, then the bill has to be wrong. Well of course nothing adds up if you don’t know that 2 and 2 equals fucking four.

So I thought I would include this epic and one-time event in a post, but I’m not a hypocrite. I’ve also included an official apology to all of the ESP’s I’ve thus far ridiculed on this blog.

I’m fighting back and forth with a relatively calm customer regarding returning a receiver box. He’s assuring me he returned the box, but our records over at Telescreen are telling me differently.

Winston: “I’m sorry sir, but I don’t show the box was returned when you cancelled your account.”

Customer: “That just can’t be right, I know I returned it. I sent it back to y’all a month ago.”

Winston: “I do see that we received one of the boxes, but you had two active on your account.”

This continued for about 30 minutes, until I finally was able to convince him to, you know, actually look for the fucking box.

Customer: “I’m telling you, it ain’t around here anywhere. I’ll look again, but I would have definitely seen it if it was in the house.”

The next day, I came in with a voicemail from the same customer. I was sure it would be him bitching about how I need to waive the $300 charge on his account for unreturned equipment, so I braced myself for another 30 minute battle.

Customer: “Hi there Winston, this is Johnny calling regarding the unreturned equipment charge. I tell you what Winston, I owe you a big apology.”

It was then when my jaw dropped and I was in a state of utter shock, like when I saw the real Elvis outside of a Nebraska truck stop.

Customer: “I went right into my bedroom closet after I hung up the phone with ya, and I’ll be damned, there it was, clear as day. Sorry to be so darn stubborn about the whole thing, but thanks for all the help.”

An apology and an admission of stubbornness? I thought this was the dawn of a new era at Telescreen, but my first call of the day happened to be an unapologetic bag-o-douche. Oh well, at least one person out of thousands and thousands had the sense enough to apologize for being stupid.

Now it’s my turn to apologize to the 70ish ESP’s that have thus far been ridiculed on this blog:

Dear ESP’s,

I’m sorry my interactions with you all have forever been immortalized on the great world wide web, and that hundreds of people can now laugh at your stupidity. Be glad that Telescreen hires a bunch of dickweed lawyers that prevent me from providing your names. Actually, be really glad that I don’t release your personal information so people won’t show up on your doorsteps in order to point and laugh at your outrageous stupidity.

Go Fuck Yourselves,

Winston Von Stupid

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6 thoughts on “The Apology

  1. Other people, such as in the other post I have read today (John), would quit all because of this amazingly high-level stupidity. However, you take it and make good humour out of it, and that is why I admire you day-to-day. I know there many popular celebrities that many other people like that are out there, but popularity does not matter to me. In my opinion, your job sucks, but you rank highly in book. I like people like you who take alot of flak and turn into something to point and laugh at, rather than bitch and moan and get angry about it, and hold a grudge over it until the end of life. I try to be like you and make good humour out of things like this, because I know that being able to laugh rather than be a piss-poor old miser is the better way to go.

    Thank you for another brilliant post. I give this post a 10/10, and am actually shocked to see you managed to sort someone out, and wisen them up! 😀

    • Thanks so much for the kind encouragement. It’s funny, because on the very first day of my training at Telescreen, I couldn’t help but notice the similarities to the 1984 world. By the end of the week, I already had the plan for this blog, including my monicker Winston and the company known as Telescreen. I had a notebook ready to capture the lunacy of the job BEFORE I had even started.

      Of course I have since been in the same position for the last couple of years, but sharing these stories and poking fun at the ridiculous things that go on everyday does help me get by. I won’t lie and tell you it’s easy to get screamed at all day and be pushed to work quicker every second of the workday. At least I can laugh at what goes on, and in sharing the stories, others can get some enjoyment from that very evil place known as Telescreen. The longer I work, the more and more ridiculous stories I get, so ESP will be definitely be around for awhile, hopefully longer than my tenure at Telescreen.

  2. I’m so gald you aren’t using your real name or the real name of your company-but then, you aren’t an ESP. I wonder if anyone ever reads these posts and recognizes themselves? nah

    • Maybe I’ll reveal what company Telescreen really is one day in order to further tarnish their image. For now, I’ll stick with full anonymity though.

      When I first started this blog almost two years ago, the first thing I thought of was, “What if people recognize who they are on the blog? Will they sue me? Will they come after me?” Then I realized ESP’s can’t read, so I stopped worrying, and haven’t thought about it since.

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