My Legs Don’t Work

Do they really think old people are going to run in the street? Those electric wheelchairs are pretty fancy…

I guess you could say I’m a problem solver. When someone calls into Telescreen, it is my duty to find a solution to whatever dumbass, bullshit problem they’re having. Not that I give a fuck about the customers that call in, I just want to fix their shit and bid them adieu so I can get back to watching the nice TV displaying Sports Center a few feet from my cubicle. Yet every once in awhile, there’s a problem that I can’t for the life of me fix. That’s generally when people get super pissed, but hey, I’m not a fucking magician. Here’s an example of what I’m talking about, following the four step problem solving process.

Customer: “I still don’t see anything on my screen and I don’t know what to do!”

Winston: “We’re going to need to reset the receiver. All you have to do is unplug the power from the wall…”

Customer: “No, no, that’s not going to work. I can’t do that.”

Actually you can do that. So can a monkey.

Winston: “Well it’s really easy to do, the power cord has a little red flag on it…”

Customer: “No, I can’t get out of bed. I’m 85 and my legs don’t work.”

Step 1: Identify the problem. What the Hell? Who says that? I’ve never heard of a handicapped, oh I’m sorry, handi-capable person saying their legs don’t work. That right there is a sorry excuse. Hasn’t this guy heard of, you know, a wheelchair? Has he ever seen Lieutenant Dan kick some major ass in Forest Gump? So the problem is the old man is too feeble and worthless to move four inches. I would then try coercing him to move five feet.

Winston: “Okay, um, are you close to the TV?”

Customer: “No, it’s way on the other end of the room.”

Step 2: Find a solution. Oh shit, I guess it’s ten feet, but might as well be the distance of the Boston Marathon. Well that’s quite the problem when the old man refuses to move at all. Yet since he is still somehow alive, he must have help doing things beyond the confines of his future deathbed.

Winston: “Is there someone at the home that could do that for you? Any family members? Nurses?”

Customer: “No, my helper doesn’t come until Wednesday.”

Step 3: Make someone else solve it. Well, fuck, I guess I have to send a technician. Talk about an easy call.

Winston: “Well in that case sir, I’ll go ahead and send a technician to help you with the issue.”

Customer: “That would be wonderful, thank you so much.”

A couple days later, I get a call on my voicemail. It’s the old man wanting to talk to me about the same issue. I look up the account notes, and sure enough, the technician came to the house, but since the old man’s “legs don’t work,” I guess he couldn’t come to the fucking door. I didn’t think 85 was that old, but shit, he wasn’t lying, those things really don’t work. I thought for a few seconds about what to do next and decided to proceed to the last step of the problem solving process.

Step 4: Fuck it. So his TV doesn’t work, has he ever heard of a book?

More elderly people struggling with complexities such as turning on a TV:

No, I Have Lunch That Day

I’m Gonna Stick It Where The Sun Don’t Shine!

I’m An Old Lady And I Need Help!


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