They Gonna Have A Little Surprise

It’s okay for a man to scream like a girl, just not cry like a girl.

I shudder to think about what goes on in these ESP’s homes. Fortunately, there are many miles between me and the back woods of Mississippi, but in a way, when they’re talking to me, it’s like I’m there. With one ‘hello’ I am suddenly transformed into the evil, disgusting world known as their double-wide. Here’s an example of what I’m talking about.

Customer: “What ya mean there was damage to the receiver?”

Winston: “I’m showing the charge on your most recent bill was due to damage on the returned receiver.”

Customer: “No, I ain’t break that thing. It was broke already, that’s why I sent it back to y’all.”

Winston: “Well let me check the inventory note and see if there’s a reason for the charge. Hold on for a second, would you?”

Insert shitty hold music here.

Winston: “Alright sir, I checked the inventory note, and the reason for damage is marked as ‘infestation.’ Does that ring any bells?”

Customer: “Oh Hell, it’s those damn cockroaches. Been messing with them for months.”

Ewww. I had heard horror stories from those in the warehouse about the crazy shit that’s been found in receivers. There is even a section on our Intranet where you could look at pictures of that nasty shit. There’s a picture where a returned receiver is filled with cockroaches, one with a little fucking snake, and how, I don’t know, but one with a goddamn mini octopus inside. I’m not fucking around, honest!

Winston: “That’ll do it. I’d assume that’s the reason the receiver was malfunctioning.”

I’m no fucking expert, but I would imagine cockroaches crawling around the inside of any electronic device would in turn cause it to malfunction.

Customer: “Well damn, I guess there ain’t much I can do.”

Winston: “Unfortunately not, there’s no way I can reverse that charge.”

Customer: “Oh well, ain’t no thang. Now I will tell ya I sent back that replacement. It wasn’t working too good neither.”

Winston: “Have you gotten the cockroach situation under control?”

Customer: “Yeah, they fumigated my whole damn place on Monday, but I’m pretty sure I took that receiver out beforehand.”

Winston: “I’ll notate that onto the account. I guess we can assume that one won’t be working either.”

Customer: “Naw, that’s gonna be filled with them lil’ buggers. Tell the boys down at the warehouse they gonna have a little surprise waiting for them when they get the box back!”

It was then when I realized maybe I don’t have the worst job at Telescreen. Yet after thinking for about seven seconds, I decided I would much rather deal with cockroaches than fucking idiots. Any exterminators hiring?

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