The Telescreen Olympics

“You call yourselves soldiers? Drop down and give me 20…crab walks.”
Since Telescreen is a piece of shit, they really don’t do much for their disgruntled employees. However, from time to time, they half-ass some bullshit sort of event. The most recent one was called The Telescreen Olympics.

Maybe it was inspired by the summer games this year, or the event planner just smoked too much pot. However it was contrived, nothing could change the fact that The Telescreen Olympics were really fucking lame, as expected.

I got a few emails warning me about the big event, which was set to take place for a few hours in the afternoon. Being bombarded by dumb rednecks and angry assholes meant I couldn’t read the details of the event plans. Actually, if I in fact did have enough time, I still wouldn’t have cared enough to read the details.

The day arrived and I took my lunch break at the height of the event. Normal companies have a big event where, you know, everyone is invited. Not Telescreen. The employees have to work their normal hours, and if they happen to have a break in the event timeframe, they can attend. By break I mean a short 15 minute break that can’t go over by a few seconds. How employees were supposed to actually enjoy the event? From what I could tell though, there wasn’t much to enjoy.

I moseyed over to the extravagant event which consisted of: A table. Normal companies have music, an open bar, food, and other awesome fare. The Telescreen Olympics were a couple of dumb management fuckers sitting at a table running a little tournament. What sort of games can you have in a call center from a planning committee with no budget? Here were the three events I saw:

The Crab Walk: I’m not really sure how this works, but I guess you get on all fours with your head facing up and waddle your way across a finish line. Yes, you look really fucking stupid while doing it.

The Toothpick Javelin: The concept of the javelin at work is in itself a bit dangerous. Throwing giant, sharp objects as far as you can will eventually lead to someone getting stabbed, even more so if you have shitty management that can act as targets. So how does one setup a javelin throw without an area to throw, safety clearance, or the actual javelin itself? Well, you head to the cafeteria where they have an abundance of toothpicks, loosely shaped like javelins. Now imagine the sight of ten or so employees, dressed in their business casual, all in a line, throwing toothpicks as hard as they can, in a battle for the prize of useless swag.

The Bubble Blow: This one was pretty goddamn dumb too, because, well, it was a fucking bubble blow. What kind of adults like bubbles? Only street corner hippies tripping on crazy drugs. Blowing bubbles in public is either awkward, stupid, or both. I’m not sure how you win at that event, but I’m sure it takes years of hard work and training to excel.

That’s it. That was The Telescreen Olympics. I hope they didn’t spend too much on bubble juice or toothpicks. I guess there was room in the budget to spend $3 on the employees. I wonder if they had closing ceremonies where prizes were given and awards were received. I just hope the champions didn’t go home and brag about their victories. “Guess what? I won The Telescreen Olympics! Yeah, the toothpick javelin that I’ve been training for!”

Check out some other lame attempts at Telescreen trying to bolster employee morale:

The Hot Dog Eating Contest

I’m The King Of Halloween!

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