Time for another edition of stupid fucking email addresses. I’m amazed at the ridiculous addresses I encounter everyday. I mean really, who allowed these people to sign up with this shit? Gmail needs a stupidity filter on the sign-up page.
email@example.com: Let’s cut to the chase: you have too many fucking kids. For any ESP, I always say one kid is too many, because you shouldn’t procreate. How about we don’t flood the earth with more stupid fucking people, okay? Let’s set the cap at the American Dream rate of 2.5 kids. That means two kids and one midget. Oh shit, I hate when I’m not politically correct. I mean two kids and one leprechaun.
firstname.lastname@example.org: No, you’re not pretty, really in any color. Pink, or as tough guys call it, salmon, is not flattering if you’re fugly. Nice try fugly, but you can’t hide behind your email address of lies. I have to admit that I love combo words like “fugly.” Only an inefficient loser would say “fucking ugly” when they could just say “fugly.” Fua! (Fuck + Yeah).
email@example.com: Oh shit, that was you?! I always wondered who “The Birdieman” was. Wait a minute, no I didn’t. That email is fucking stupid and doesn’t make any goddamn sense.
firstname.lastname@example.org: I’m not sure if you’re aware that a cat baby has a name. It’s called a kitten. Yep, k-i-t-t-e-n. Speaking of that, cats are kind of assholes. You can’t pet them or teach them tricks. All they do is run away, scratch shit, crap in the house, and eat Meow Mix. Furry little bastards.
email@example.com: If I got an email from you, I would be both pissed and curious. Pissed that a redneck is trying to connect with me electronically, and curious how your feeble hillbilly mind figured out how to use a computer. I’ve never seen a camo computer, a Nascar computer, nor an American Flag computer. Oh, but to buy camo shirts with Nascar logos embedded within American Flags, you need a computer. Okay, got it. Because these computers are too fucking complicated for rednecks to even turn on, you have to call and yell at the computer company’s customer support rep to get it working. Lucky me.