How To Get New Customer Promos

The redneck version of a Las Vegas casino sign.

How To Manipulate The Customer Service System

What do we all want? To save money and get our way, duh. Fear not, gentle reader, I’ve got the inside scoop on the customer service system. In Super Department, I know the ins and outs of every facet of the call center. Scroll down to learn how to manipulate the customer service system and get anything you want.

This will be a continuing series that will first appear in posts, and then permanently be placed in a page called “How To Guide.” The customer service system can be manipulated as long as you know how to do it. I know all the secrets of Telescreen and I’m happy to spill them all…

How To Get New Customer Promos

Telescreen, like most companies, only wants to sell their service to new customers, and really doesn’t give a shit about the loyal ones. They have a ton of promotions available to entice new people, but not a damn thing for existing or long-term customers. Since Telescreen is such a piece of shit, their customers don’t last very long. Yet when I encounter people that are dumb enough to stick with them for 1o years or more, not one additional promotion is available. I think that’s pretty fucked up, but fortunately, there’s a foolproof around this new customer promo problem that I call The Company Bounce Method.

This method is based on contract terms, which dictates quite a bit with companies like Telescreen. With TV, Internet, and phone providers, you almost always have to sign a two-year commitment to get the killer promos. You get all the good deals for the first few months, a couple more deals shortly after that, and then most of the time, everything rolls off at the end of the first year. You’re then locked into a contract for another year, and suddenly paying full price. Each bill that you rip open spurs and instant “fuck” when you look at the price.

What you do then, my cheap friend, is refer to my below links on how to save money, and ride out that second year of the contract.  Save as much as you can, but since you’re locked into a contract, there’s really not much you can do. Once your contract is finally up, simply cancel your service with Company 1, and call Company 2 to set you up as a new customer. At that point, you would qualify for their new customer promotions, and you’d do the same damn thing for their new contract term. I know it seems ridiculously simple, but most people don’t change companies that often. It’s obviously easier to keep the same setup with your current provider once the contract is up, but if you’re going to end up saving hundreds of dollars, why not make the switch?

There’s no fine print to worry about, because you aren’t breaking any contracts. You can do The Company Bounce Method over and over, since you aren’t breaking any rules, just taking advantage of the system. All you have to do is switch back and forth between companies every two years, and your savings while pile up like the drive thru line at an Arkansas McDonald’s at noon. Even if you feel like an asshole for bouncing between different providers, the “new” company is going to be happy to have you back, because that’s another sale and two years of guaranteed payments. Expect to be showered with enticing promos and tons of free shit from the “new” company. Everybody likes free shit, especially when it’s something awesome like a free VHS tape of “Leprechaun in the Hood,” starring a midget and Ice-T. No, it’s true, IMDB that shit.

Step By Step Guide:

  • Follow my previous guides on how to save money after losing your new customer promos
  • Ride out the remainder of your contract for one year, cry every time the bill comes
  • Call your current company to cancel once the contract is up
  • Decline any bullshit save attempts they throw at you (adios motha fuckas!)
  • Call the competition, tell them you are switching from the “other guys”
  • Listen while the douchie salesman piles on tons of free shit
  • Graciously accept all the savetastic (is that a word?) promos thrown your way
  • Once your system is installed with the “new” company, repeat the above process in two years
  • High-five a stranger on the street and say, “I don’t fuck around.”

Check out some of my previous guides on how to manipulate your service provider:

How To Maximize Your Monthly Savings

How To Save Money In Less Than Five Minutes