Winston Teaches A Customer His Own Name

This gives “buying online” a whole new meaning.

Stupid People Say The Dumbest Fucking Things:

Winston: “I’ll go ahead and take the payment now. What’s the card number?”

Customer: “It’s 4521….”

Winston: “Okay, thank you. And could I get the name on the card please?”

Customer: “Visa.”

Winston: “No, the name as it appears on the card.”

Customer: “Let me see, yeah, it’s definitely a Visa.”

Winston: “Do you see your name on the card?”

Customer: “Well my name’s Bob.”

Winston: “Does it say your name on the card?”

Customer: “Maybe, let me see. Um, it says ‘Bob Dumbass’ right in the middle there. Is that what you mean?”

I’ll let that one speak for itself.

3 thoughts on “Winston Teaches A Customer His Own Name

  1. Again, I feel your pain, because my previous job had plenty of these geniuses. There was the electric bill payer who didn’t have his electrical provider account nor his debit card information, and thought that whining “I just wanna pay my bill so it doesn’t get turned off” would get the job done. There was the customer for another utility who asked me “Don’t you keep the credit card information on file?” and then admitted that he couldn’t give me his card number because “I’m kinda illiterate.” (I’ll note that after I left, I had to drive from Texas to Florida for a show, and discovered that this utility has big billboards all over Alabama, warning its customers that stealing electrical lines for the copper, and presumably to sell for meth, could be harmful or fatal. Considering the number of them that were “kinda illiterate,” I have to wonder how far that went.) My favorites, though, were with what I called “Mary’s Mothers”.

    To begin, my company made electronic payments for utility companies, and one of our biggest clients was the cut-rate cell phone company Metro PCS. Not only was it the one company more responsible for long phone calls (mostly along the lines of “Your system says ‘Please enter the ZIP code where you receive your billing card statement’! It didn’t say that when I tried this! It said ‘Please enter the ZIP code where you lost your virginity to someone besides your sister’!”), but we had a LOT of credit card fraud. Dumb credit card fraud, too, where some Kallikak assumed that nobody would ever discover that he’d been stealing his neighbor’s card information in order to pay for ringtones and new games. Our policy was that if the cardholder reported the charge as unauthorized, we’d reverse the payment and then block the number from ever being payable through our system. That meant we had a lot of calls on Friday nights from Florida area codes, screaming about how their phones needed to be reconnected RIGHT THEN, and that if we didn’t reset our system RIGHT THEN, they’d get onto the phone with MetroPCS’s CEO and have us fired. Seeing as how every last cokehead and bargain-basement shoplifter in Miami claimed to be on a firstname basis with that CEO, I sure hope someone stages an intervention to save him, because I’m amazed he can get anything done with that much partying going on.

    Anyway, there was one line of calls that killed more brain cells than any other. They’d all start off with a call from a woman claiming that she had a charge that she didn’t recognize on her card. After giving her the standard boilerplate of asking her to contact the credit card issuer to report this, I would ask for more information. While we didn’t save credit card information, we could search for charges against a card number, and there I’d see a strange charge. All for $20 to $30, which wasn’t enough to pay for a monthly bill. However, that was enough to pay for ringtones or games. The calls were invariably made either late at night, around 2 in the morning, when the cardholder was asleep, or at a time when the cardholder was away from the card. Best of all, I’d ask the cardholder “Do you or any member of your family have a Metro PCS phone?” They’d cheerfully chirp “Why, yes, my daughter does.” Checking against the phone number, we’d discover that the calls were made from that phone number, for payment for that number. We couldn’t come out and say “It looks like your daughter stole your card and made payments to her phone with it, probably to get a new set of ringtones,” but we could hint.

    What got me, though, was the sheer amount of denial on this. One such query went on for an hour, because the cardholder refused to grasp that the charge was made from her daughter’s phone, to her phone number, and didn’t want to do anything about it, either. In fact, she related how allegedly someone had broken into her house while she was at work, stole a book of checks, sent off for all sorts of mail-order items that were mailed to her house with her address and her daughter’s name. She was certain that this was done by some real or imagined enemy from her daughter’s school, with the sole purpose of getting her in trouble. I oh so desperately wanted to ask her “So if your daughter gets pregnant, you’re planning on naming your new grandson ‘Jesus’?”

    • Yikes. Talk about testing your patience. It’s funny how some customers expect things to magically happen like their bill getting paid without providing any credit card info. At least one of these geniuses was honest enough to admit they were ‘kinda illiterate.’ I’d say most of my fights over bills and charges are because customers are ‘kinda illiterate.’

      I find that most of the fraud cases I deal with are with family members, as you described. Not only do those getting caught doing something fraudulently have a shit-fit if something is taken away, but the family members that are victims, like you said, will refuse to believe anyone in their family circle would be guilty of any wrong doing. Little Johnny is not an angel, he’s actually kind of an asshole.

      I enjoyed your stories, your quips about all the back-asswards people, and had one Hell of a laugh. Thanks for sharing.

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