Top ESP Searches: Volume 1

Who needs glasses when you have a giant magnifying glass?

Even though most of the clicks on ESP are from a loyal base of highly intelligent readers, there are some genuine morons that find their way over to ESP as well. WordPress has a nifty little thing called, “Top Searches” on the admin page. It displays all the top search terms, words, and phrases that people use to get to ESP. In the early days, no one was really able to find ESP, as it barely made a dent on the ol’ Google. Yet as ESP has grown over the last year and half, more and more people are finding the blog through various search engines. Since I can see all the search terms, I can clearly tell that a fair amount of the people finding ESP are pretty fucking stupid. Allow me to elaborate with few of the top searches:

“My Wife Thinks I’m Stupid”

This is the top search for ESP, with variations such as, “Wife says I’m dumb” and “Wife thinks me stupid.” The dumbasses searching are always lead to my post entitled, My Wife Thinks I’m Stupid. All I have to say in response to that is, really? I mean, really? If a guy has to go online and search, “My wife thinks I’m stupid,” his wife is obviously right. What is he hoping to find with the search? A magic cure for stupidity? If that were the case, this blog surely wouldn’t exist. The entire Southern portion of the US wouldn’t exist either.

“DJ Jazzy Jeff”

I included a picture and a little dialogue about Will Smith, greatest rapper of all time, in a post called, She’s Just A Receptionist. Why in the fuck are people searching online for Jazzy Jeff, Will Smith’s cool sidekick on The Fresh Prince? Who has such little time in their day to allow them to say, “I wonder what Jazzy Jeff is up to?” I’ll answer that question for you: Not a fucking thing. Though you can feel free to peruse his official website, follow him on Twitter, listen to his terrible CD’s, or learn about him through the most accredited encyclopedia of all, Wikipedia. Or just watch reruns of The Fresh Prince, laugh when he gets thrown out of Uncle Phil’s house, and then forget about him completely.

“I Work In A Call Center. The People That Call In Are Stupid”

Uh, yeah, no shit. I said that same thing on my first day, and hence started ESP. I’m not sure where those searches end  up, maybe it’s the first post, Call Me Winston. Again, what is the motive behind this search? Counseling for those exposed to massive amounts of stupidity? A support group for those affected by too much unintelligence? I definitely need those. Maybe they were looking for a blog that ridiculed all the fucking morons that call into a customer service line. Look no further my long-suffering call center employee friends.

“I’m An Old Lady And I Need Help”

This is another popular search term, and it always leads to my past post of the same name, I’m An Old Lady And I Need Help! There are a few things wrong with this picture. First of all, old ladies don’t know how to use computers, and therefore can’t search on Google. Even if they could, in moments of peril, shouldn’t they call 911 instead of hitting up Google? Don’t they have those lifeline button things, like the ones on the “Help, I can’t get up” commercials? It’s not like it’s “Help, I can’t connect to the Internet to figure out why I can’t get up” commercial. If some old lady did fall down, my blog sure as shit wouldn’t be of much use. Just in case some technologically savvy old ladies do find my blog in future moments of peril, here’s an important number for them: 9-1-1.


72 thoughts on “Top ESP Searches: Volume 1

  1. I wish I came across your blog long ago. Stupid people are sources of endless entertainment, what would Youtube be without stupid people? Nice work! I’ll leave you with one of my favorite quotes:

    “Never argue with an idiot. They will bring you down to their level, then beat you with experience.”



    • Glad you liked it! Stupid people never disappoint in the entertainment category, it’s just the intelligence category where they fall short…

  2. This is funny stuff. I am new here, and just enabled searching yesterday, after figuring out how to do it. Yes, I am stupid myself. Anyway, I just had a hit from someone who actually searched “caulk frosting”. I had to laugh at this, and hope you will too. It led them to my post about using caulk as a beauty treatment by the way, applying it like you were frosting a cake. But really, “caulk frosting”? People ARE extremely stupid. Thanks so much for pointing this out!

    • “Caulk Frosting?!” Haha, that is hilarious, and I doubt it was a misspelling. I’m thinking an ESP was wondering if they could fix up their kitchen with frosting, to make the corners of the cabinets delicious and water-sealed.

      • I’m just glad I could help. Thanks to my useful beauty and household tips, the anonymous ESP can now enjoy a waterproof face as well. Congratulations on being pressed. Good work.

  3. You waded into the mercurial waters that are old-lady jokes and came out un-scathed–or un drenched as it were… what i’m tryina say is, funny stuff! 😀

  4. There is now an earworm war going on in my head, between “Parents Just Don’t Understand” and the little tag on the Clapper commercial, which for some reason has always been tied to the LifeAlert ads in my brain (same old lady actor? hmm). Um, thanks? Great post.

    • Hey, “Parents Don’t Understand” is classic Big Will. Next item to sing in your head, “Nightmare On My Street,” another reason why he is obviously the greatest rapper of all time. Thanks for checking out ESP!

    • Wow lol. That was just great. I love stupid people….they bring up my ego. Just when I think I’m dumb, I come across a stupid person, then I’m miraculously smart again! Hahaha. Thanks for posting!

  5. I really enjoyed reading your post! I want to say a lot of this and that in response but I think is this case I’ll stick to the old whatchamacallit “Better to be thought of as a fool …” 😉

      • 😀 Well to avoid speaking “… and removing all doubt.” I’m going to let Al do it for me! – There’s less argument that way.

        “The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency”

        – Dr. Albert Einstein

  6. Hilarious! You have a real gift.
    I took your IQ test. I felt as though I was being timed and that made me nervous, which is why I scored so low – Just incase you had some kind of secret spy ware on there or something to monitor your gentle reader’s response time.

  7. Nice to find something that made me laugh, thanks. May I share?

    I sat in a waiting room a few days ago and a woman who was eating some nasty meat-snacks said from nowhere ‘I don’t know why they put shit like that on the packet; the f*ing calories. Who knows how many calories you need anyway.”
    Being mildly aware of the world I was able to tell her how many calories we need.
    “Yeah, but you can’t eat exactly the same food every day just so you get the same number of calories.”
    Holy f*ing mother of … No matter how stupid someone is, there’s someone even more crushingly dense waiting to arrive…

  8. Congrats on being pressed! I don’t work with ESP so much because I’m a teacher (which means: the students are still in developmental stages and I’m not judging), but my husband is in medicine and it’s typical dinner convo with us. ESP are amazingly entertaining.

  9. Haha. I love reading the search terms people use that eventually direct them to my blog. Here are some of my favourites:

    – my expanding waist (sends you to a post where I write about why my waistline is growing – too much cake)
    – EL James said her writing is crap (so did the rest of the world)
    – why women are reading darker shades of grey (my post will tell you why you shouldn’t read it)
    – what did anastasia steele use the spatula for (don’t know, but pretty sure I didn’t write about spatulas)

    People are funny.

  10. I know, we can be all transiently retarded at times. But those who continue to engage in it as a chronic state of being are not on a journey to self-awareness. They are just continuing to descend into stupid/retard land, as the host of this website is.

    Go find more intelligent and constructive things to do, folks.

    Winston is an nothing more than a single cow trying to gain attention in the midst of the muling, braying burrow cow heads who want credit for selling their souls to the corporation, as any telemarketing/service worker does.

    Wake up!!!

    • You realise you are spending time on a stupid person’s blog, right? Why would you do that? Seriously, why would you spend time on the blog of someone you don’t like, reading material you disagree with, when you could be doing something you enjoy. I have a feeling your posts are quite welcome here.

      “Go find more intelligent and constructive things to do, folks.” Hang on. So you think that being here reading this blog is unconstructive and unintelligent? You can work that logic loop out I hope. The conclusion is that you are, in fact, stupid. Also, your very presence supports Winston’s assertions.

      Thankyou Winston, for a very enjoyable read.

      • I think, perhaps, the point is that wordpress appears to want to promote stupid blogs. So, being “popular” there doesn’t necessarily mean anything in the universe. Pointing out the disconnect between someone promoting their site as for intellectuals when, in fact, it is for very stupid people. That’s all. Haven’t returned since and do not intend to. Such a waste of space.

  11. This blog is hilarious. So glad I came across someone who a) understands Will Smith is the freaking man and b) understands that there really are just plain idiots out there who have absolutely no excuse to be so

  12. This is excellent. I love the last point – recently my grandma posted on her facebook wall: “HELP.” Other family members were replying to her comment with concern. As she never uses facebook I was a little skeptical, but still concerned, and as I live in a different country and couldn’t make long distance calls from work, I got in touch with another relative to check on her. Turns out she was trying to search for the ‘help’ section of a webpage she was on. *facepalm*

  13. Hilarious post! I loved it. I was laughing so hard in here! I don’t understand who the hell would search ‘My wife thinks I am stupid’. That is really stupid!!! 🙂 Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!

  14. Hello Winston, I have just stumbled upon your blog by accident as it was on the WordPress homepage – I wasn’t deliberately searching for information on stupid people, honest. When I saw the picture it drew me in further because I thought ‘this blogger is a brave man’. The picture resembles a celebrity doorman, bare knuckle fighter, gangsters’ minder and legendary hard bastard from London called ‘The Guvnor’ and I thought your post was going to be about how stupid he was because he was at the top of a search for extremely stupid people (Google him, but don’t mistake him for ex-Man United player Paul Ince, the original Guvnor is a big white guy and was in a popular movie made by Madonna’s ex Guy Richie called ‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’) .

    As I read on I realised the thread of the theme you were exploring and I found the ‘My wife thinks I’m stupid’ section pretty funny, because you’d think the guy would just ask his wife! Or perhaps the guy is so stupid his wife is actually fucking his brother, making it so obvious to her husband to get him to leave, but because he’s so stupid, he only responds by asking himself – “Does my wife think I’m stupid? I can see Doug’s car in the drive and his underpants are hanging off the corner of my X-box and she’s telling me he hasn’t been near the house!? Right, I’ll show her – I’m going to ask Google why she thinks I’m stupid and then I’m going to ask Google if Doug has been sleeping with my wife – ha!”

    The DJ Jazzy Jeff one I can explain; I’m going to assume that you were being extremely sarcastic when you described Will Smith ‘the greatest rapper of all time’, the irony in that is a given. But whilst Will Smith became a millionaire A’list Hollywood actor, Jazzy Jeff carved out underground status as a badass DJ – this is the truth. But I liked your posting anyway and I’m going to follow you from now on. I’ve put in a search ‘how do I…’ and there it was before I had a chance to type the ‘f’ – ‘who do I follow a blog’. I then got interested in the whole search thing and ‘How do you know get you…’ brings up some pretty peculiar results – why would a woman want to know how to get her period faster?

    • Thanks so much! Don’t you worry, there are plenty more ESP stories to come. That’s the thing about stupid people, there’s never a shortage of WTF moments.

  15. Very funny! But might I suggest that perhaps there are people who have read your blog before and wanted to find a specific post again and entered the title as a way of finding it? I guess they’re still stupid because if they liked it that much, they should’ve saved to faves or something of that nature. Anyway, congrats on the FP!

    • Thanks so much, and you do have a valid point. I know I have some “ESP Blog” and “ESP Post” searches in there, so there is a small chance that some previous readers were trying to find their way back to those posts. I’ll need to include a future post on how to use bookmarks then I suppose!

  16. Kinda had to happen. I’m just dropping by your blog but most of the post titles you’ve linked there have *very* generic titles. That does not explain the absolute stupidity of the people visiting it using those search terms from Google but if you were more concerned that such people would comment on your blog or something, you should make the post titles more abstract. Nice post btw 🙂

  17. Totally enjoyed your post, more so because it’s always awesome to connect to someone who shares the same level of intelligence as you. 😛 Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed. Seems like there are a lot more intelligent people out there (at WP).

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