Even though most of the clicks on ESP are from a loyal base of highly intelligent readers, there are some genuine morons that find their way over to ESP as well. WordPress has a nifty little thing called, “Top Searches” on the admin page. It displays all the top search terms, words, and phrases that people use to get to ESP. In the early days, no one was really able to find ESP, as it barely made a dent on the ol’ Google. Yet as ESP has grown over the last year and half, more and more people are finding the blog through various search engines. Since I can see all the search terms, I can clearly tell that a fair amount of the people finding ESP are pretty fucking stupid. Allow me to elaborate with few of the top searches:
“My Wife Thinks I’m Stupid”
This is the top search for ESP, with variations such as, “Wife says I’m dumb” and “Wife thinks me stupid.” The dumbasses searching are always lead to my post entitled, My Wife Thinks I’m Stupid. All I have to say in response to that is, really? I mean, really? If a guy has to go online and search, “My wife thinks I’m stupid,” his wife is obviously right. What is he hoping to find with the search? A magic cure for stupidity? If that were the case, this blog surely wouldn’t exist. The entire Southern portion of the US wouldn’t exist either.
“DJ Jazzy Jeff”
I included a picture and a little dialogue about Will Smith, greatest rapper of all time, in a post called, She’s Just A Receptionist. Why in the fuck are people searching online for Jazzy Jeff, Will Smith’s cool sidekick on The Fresh Prince? Who has such little time in their day to allow them to say, “I wonder what Jazzy Jeff is up to?” I’ll answer that question for you: Not a fucking thing. Though you can feel free to peruse his official website, follow him on Twitter, listen to his terrible CD’s, or learn about him through the most accredited encyclopedia of all, Wikipedia. Or just watch reruns of The Fresh Prince, laugh when he gets thrown out of Uncle Phil’s house, and then forget about him completely.
“I Work In A Call Center. The People That Call In Are Stupid”
Uh, yeah, no shit. I said that same thing on my first day, and hence started ESP. I’m not sure where those searches end up, maybe it’s the first post, Call Me Winston. Again, what is the motive behind this search? Counseling for those exposed to massive amounts of stupidity? A support group for those affected by too much unintelligence? I definitely need those. Maybe they were looking for a blog that ridiculed all the fucking morons that call into a customer service line. Look no further my long-suffering call center employee friends.
“I’m An Old Lady And I Need Help”
This is another popular search term, and it always leads to my past post of the same name, I’m An Old Lady And I Need Help! There are a few things wrong with this picture. First of all, old ladies don’t know how to use computers, and therefore can’t search on Google. Even if they could, in moments of peril, shouldn’t they call 911 instead of hitting up Google? Don’t they have those lifeline button things, like the ones on the “Help, I can’t get up” commercials? It’s not like it’s “Help, I can’t connect to the Internet to figure out why I can’t get up” commercial. If some old lady did fall down, my blog sure as shit wouldn’t be of much use. Just in case some technologically savvy old ladies do find my blog in future moments of peril, here’s an important number for them: 9-1-1.