Master of the Custodial Arts

For some reason this guy thinks he’s cool because he’s a janitor.

You know your job is a piece of shit when people fight over custodial duties. No, I’m not joking, gentle reader. As always, your pal Winston tells the truth and nothing but the truth. Allow me to elaborate.

Because Telescreen is so fucking cheap, they don’t pay for enough maintenance crews around our building. Mind you, the call center is fucking huge, with over a thousand people working there, but apparently Big Brother wants to buy some more weekend hookers, so we’re stuck with the few illegal immigrants we have. Then who’s going to pick up the slack? I guess the dipshit management will just have to utilize the workers they already have to fill in on cleaning duties.  Well, let me be specific, they can only use the workers that are experiencing some downtime, which is pretty much never. Hence why the competition to join the cleanup crew is so fierce. Who wouldn’t want a nice break from a continuous onslaught of stupidity?

I found out about this “perk” by going outside one day during training, even before I started in Super Department. I walked outside with some of my coworkers and headed over to the smoking area. This is by far the most popular place in the building, next to the cafeteria which serves a plethora of fried food. This should give  you an idea of the work environment I’m dealing with.

We saw one of the veteran Super Department agents outside with a broom and dustpan, cleaning up cigarette buts. I knew from prior experience that this guy happened to be a douchebag, so I took the opportunity to ridicule him. “Hey man, congrats, I see you’re now a master of the custodial arts. I knew you could do it.” “Hey, fuck you man,” he unsurprisingly replied, “This is way better than being on the phones.”

In that moment, Douchebag Coworker was right, cleaning up cigarette butts is better than talking to extremely stupid fucking idiots. I was determined to make a career change…or just volunteer the next time “cleanup duty” was offered.

Once I started working in the Hell known as Super Department, I began waiting anxiously for a chance to clean so I could get off the phones. The chance never came because we were so fucking busy all the time. Having downtime really was as much of a rarity as I thought. I checked my emails and our chat thread all day long, but still nothing. Then one day, we were a bit slower than normal, and something came up on our department thread: “Cleanup duty, volunteers?” I typed “me!” as fast as I could, but about five people beat me to the punch. It was like a bunch of nerds fighting to raise their hands first in some bullshit science class.

As one of my coworkers proudly put down the phone and grabbed the broom, we all stared enviously and wished we could be that lucky person. By lucky person, I mean lucky enough to go outside in 90 degree weather and sweep up dirty cigarette butts. It was in that moment that I realized this job really couldn’t get any worse. I mean, that’s rock-fucking-bottom. If you’re jealous of someone getting to sweep up cigarette butts, you need to get a new fucking job, any job. Yes, Telescreen is hiring, but no, don’t apply. Check the classified section in your local paper for a nice janitorial position instead.

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