Time for another edition of stupid fucking emails. At Telescreen, we’re required to gather dipshit customer’s emails. About half the time, they say they don’t have email. This is a complete lie, because everyone has fucking email. Even hobos have email; they check it in the library when they awaken from their stairway slumber.
firstname.lastname@example.org: Sly Stalone has an email address? I thought it was email@example.com. Rocky was a decent movie, but there’s no need to highlight it in an email. I mean, come on, Adrian looked like a dude. And Rocky looked and sounded like a caveman. These are facts.
firstname.lastname@example.org: Words cannot express my frustration with the intelligence of the human race.
email@example.com: I’m not sure why you want to advertise that you’re a single mother with three kids from three different fathers. Maury is always looking for contestants, so feel free to advertise that on daytime TV instead. “You…are the father! And so are you. And you.”
firstname.lastname@example.org: I think I got herpes from reading that email address. You’re only a “diva” because you’re a bitch to everyone and the “delicious” portion gives me reason to believe you’re a stripper without a soul.
email@example.com: Congratulations, you’re a bunch of fucking Rednecks. You love doing dumb, boring shit like fishing and watching cars driving around in circles. What’s that called? The highway? Oh wait, I meant Nascar.