When I first started at Telescreen, I would have moments of utter confusion. I would get off a call, stare perplexed at the dark, cavernous walls of our dungeon-like office, and wonder what the fuck just happened. I’d ask myself, “What the fuck?” All of that confusion lasted about a month. Now I hang up the phone as quickly as possible so I can make notes as to what the idiot just said. Here’s one such interaction:
An agent transfers a guy to me because he’s trying to get out of his cancellation fee. No big whoop, same shit we get every day. The enlightening thing was this guy was actually friendly, conversational, and really fucking weird. He begins to tell me his story, like everyone, who has some bullshit sob story prepared to convince us customer service reps to waive shit.
Customer: “Well, to tell you the truth, I’m feeling pretty good today. You see, I technically died a couple weeks ago, but then somehow, ended up in a coma. Unfortunately, I didn’t have any cool near-death experience or anything like that.”
Winston: “Oh, nice.”
What else am I supposed to say? Congratulations on not being dead?
Customer: “But the bummer of it is, the doctors say I’m going to die again, probably in the next week or so. I’m in the hospital rehab center now waiting to see what happens. So as you can see, I wasn’t really able to pay for the last two months of service since I was kinda dead and all.”
This guy is good. All I could do was anxiously wait for whatever else he was gonna pull out of his “half alive” ass.
Customer: “So you can do what you want with my account; I’m not too worried about it. I can’t pay any bills, nor will I be worrying about any bills, since I’ll soon be dead. I just wanted to give you guys a call and let you know what’s going on.”
Well shit, he convinced me. 9 out of 10 from the judges on the bullshit story. This guy was gonna have everything waived based on the simple fact that he provided me with 15 minutes of solid entertainment. Time to throw away $600 of Telescreen’s money…
Winston: “Don’t you worry about a thing sir. I’ll make sure we get you account all squared away.”
I go ahead and waive all of his programming charges and get the cancellation fee off of the account. The only thing we have to finalize is returning the equipment.
Winston: “Okay sir, all we need to discuss then is returning the equipment, and your account will be all settled.”
Customer: “Oh, sorry buddy, that ain’t gonna happen, I live in a trailer park. You know how trailer parks are, man.”
Winston: “Um, okay…”
Customer: “I don’t have anything left, all my stuff has been stolen. Once I was sent to the hospital, everyone thought I was dead. So, you know, they helped themselves. Kinda like a garage sale.”
I have always wondered how trailer park garage sales work.
Winston: “So there’s no way you can return the equipment?”
Customer: “No way, man. I’m not going back there since, well, I can’t go back. I really doubt there’s anything left. I’m sure my neighbor has it, bastard probably took everything. Never like him…”
That gives a whole new meaning to love thy neighbor.
Winston: “Alright, I’ll make sure we get the equipment off the account too.”
Customer: “No worries to me, man. That’s the last thing on my mind. Real bummer though, you guys had great service.
Um, you must have Telescreen confused with the competition.
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