Your Posts: Computer Skills, Or Lack Thereof: Part 1
A faithful reader sent over a collection of ESP stories reported from some long-suffering tech support reps. I’ve seen these stories floating around a few places, including the Telescreen monthly newsletter. This wonderful newsletter, by the way, isn’t handed out to employees, but instead is placed prominently on the bathroom wall. I shit you not, pardon the pun, I literally have only seen the newsletter in the crapper. So, stupid people beware: your idiocy will eventually end up in a call-center shitter. That’s motivation to work on your intelligence.
Help Desk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one.
I hope they don’t use that answer for everything. “What type of person do you want to meet on your blind date? A white one.” Yikes.
Customer: I can’t get the disc out of the computer.
Help Desk: Have you tried pushing the eject button?
Customer: Of course!
Help Desk: Okay, well I’m going to need a few more details to help troubleshoot.
Customer: Wait, the disc is still on my desk.
Someone is on their way towards a doctorate in nuclear engineering! Or maybe someone needs to finish high school.
Help Desk: Click on the ‘My Computer’ icon to the left of your screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
It was then when the tech support agent swiveled his chair around and said, “My left.”
Customer: I can’t print.
Help Desk: Okay, go ahead and click on the start menu…
Customer: Listen pal, don’t get all technical on me. I’m not Bill Gates.
That does seem a bit too complicated. Instead, dipshit should throw away the computer, head to the thrift store, and buy a fucking typewriter.
Customer: I can’t print! The screen says, “Can’t find printer.” I even tried picking up the printer and putting it next to the computer, but it still can’t find it!
I have a feeling this is the same type of person that says, “I have to buy it now! The sign told me to!”
Customer: I am having problems printing in red.
Help Desk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aha. Thank you.
That’s the first thing they teach you in the tech support. Even though you may sound like an asshole, always ask the obvious, because people are stupid.
Help Desk: What’s on your monitor now?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend gave me.
I have no comment. That one speaks for itself.