Now that I’m in Super Department, I don’t get the same tech support questions I used to on the “frontline.” Funny how the tier of our employees has the same nomenclature as a battlefield, isn’t it? Tech support is obviously so goddamn frustrating because people really are pathetically idiotic, but it does make for some good stories. Yesterday, some old asshole found his way to my phone needing help with his TV receiver. Nothing really exciting came out of our 45 minute conversation other than him getting pissed off that the TV wouldn’t immediately work with the snap of his wrinkly old fingers. In preparing for a new post this week, I was reminded of a good conversation from about a year ago in my tech support days…
I hate when people call in with a technical problem, but refuse to do anything to troubleshoot. My magic wand is fucking broken today, so you’re going to have to get off your sorry, worthless, excuse of an ass and do something. I had this problem with Old Asshole. He calls in yelling and bitching because his Internet is down and “no one will help him get it working.” I look at the account and see three people before me had attempted to troubleshoot, until he got too pissed off and hung up the phone. Lucky me.
Winston: “Okay sir, first you’re going to need to unplug your router from the wall.”
Customer: “I don’t want to!”
Well, fuckface, I don’t want to to talk to stupid fucking idiots everyday, but I have to pay the rent. If we never did things we didn’t want to, we would probably never leave the house. Oh wait, you’re old and senile, you actually never leave the house. Touché fucker.
Winston: “Okay, well we really need to try reseting the router by unplugging the power from the wall.”
Customer: “No! I’m an old man in a wheelchair!”
First of all, wheelchairs have WHEELS, it’s not too fucking complicated to wheel your dumb ass across the room. Second of all, I never accept the wheelchair excuse. Have you seen some of those wheelchair athletes? They are complete badasses. Third of all, you are already in a chair and therefore don’t even have to get up. Congratulations.
Customer: “Well, you better get this working!”
Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ. I continue struggling to get Old Asshole to do anything. We somehow get through a few troubleshooting steps, and I feel like it’s a miracle we’ve gotten that far. Still no success on troubleshooting, because, big surprise, Old Asshole is too stupid to comprehend what I’m saying. He begins to get mad, and starts yelling at me.
Customer: “I’ve tried fixing that damn thing three times and it’s not working. You better get this fixed RIGHT NOW or I’m gonna send it over to you and stick it where the sun don’t shine!”
Hmm, so your solution is to send the router to me personally via UPS, and have the shorts-toting delivery man shove it up my ass? I guess that’s what they mean by, “What can brown do for you?” I’m pretty sure you have to pay extra for that. Somehow, I don’t think that’s going to solve the problem. Shoving things up asses should be reserved for smuggling drugs into prisons, not for fixing computing issues.
Not surprisingly, it turned out that dipshit had a really simple problem, but was just too stupid to explain the issue to all four of us agents. I don’t want to boast because I was the agent that fixed his problem, but instead will ashamedly admit that it seems I am becoming fluent in the language of stupid.
Check out some other posts about stupid old people getting pissed off because, well, they’re stupid and old: